The Mighty Ducks

I remember one time lining up in elementary school to wait for the busses and the topic of what we were gonna do after school came up among us little dudes. The consensus was that a few of them were getting together over so-and-so's house to watch The Mighty Ducks, and yes, I was actually invited. Twas a different time. So different in fact, that now the kid who played the Young Gordan in the movie (Brock Pierce) is not only a Bitcoin billionaire, but also running for president this year. What's his political experience you ask? Well, he did star in First Kid, with Sinbad (and I'm telling you, if he made Sinbad his running mate... I'd vote). Not to mention other cast members who went on to futures maybe not as wealthy but still noteworthy, and with talk of a Mighty Ducks show in the works... all of this reminded me. Oh yeah. Mighty Ducks was a thing.

Let's talk about a movie that you never hear talked about despite the fact that it was actually quite big when I was a kid, because what the hell else can we do this year? The Mighty Ducks... or as us 90s kids referred to it, "Mighty Dicks" or "Mighty Fucks" or "Mighty Sucks"... (It's not that "hard" of a joke... I mean, they do call it "peewee" hockey, so what do they expect?). Unclever 90s kid humor aside, you really can’t get a more by-the-numbers sports movie than this. They literally spoofed it in South Park a number of times, especially with the "...but he's about to fund out...!" trailer voice. Famously enjoyed by internet meme Tourette's Guy between taking a leak, it's basically Bad News Bears with far more hockey and far less raunch. So nothing huge. If anything, what is amazing is just how many sports movie clichés this thing squeezes in!

Now I had my own experience with hockey in my day. Yep. You see, as I'm sure I've told the story before... one time in gym class, eh... about the 4-5th grade... we were playing floor hockey and I happened to be the goalie, because they certainly didn't want scrawny me out there on the floor! All was going good, I was doing pretty good. Then just as the game was counting down, the last seconds on the clock... they slammed a puck at me so fast, I just put my thighs together like a bolt cutter. Oh I blocked the goal alright... with my CROTCH! No cup. Everyone froze. The other kids said they saw the puck freeze in that spot and then drop to the floor. They burst into laughter. And amazingly, I... didn't get hurt... To this day I don't know why it didn't destroy me, but I became a legend that day. The other guys were like "wow dude. That hung there for like a half second and dropped!" It's true too. I had the groin of steel. (Unfortunately for me, and my groin, it was a one time thing...) Don't try that at home kids... (unless your brother deserves it.)

So I learned a thing or two about hockey in my day, and the importance of wearing cups, but this movie teaches an even more obvious lesson in the importance of picking the right team, a team that supports you over a team that tears you down. And since everyone these days loves to divide up into teams and go to war, well hey, it's probably time we take a lesson from a sports movie... a sports movie that opens with music right out of a softcore porno, with smooth jazz interludes throughout. Despite being a narrative beat of every feel good sports movie in existence, this movie's also got some smooth-ass cool jivin' B E A T S. And Danny Tamberelli. Hell yeah, they got Young Pete. 

Brock Pierce 2020

We open on our would-be president, young Gordon Bombay (Brock Pierce 2020), missing the final penalty shot of his local playoffs sometime back in the 70s or 80s, costing the game, the season, and becoming the forever disappointment of the town and his evil coach who only cares about winning. And all because he failed that one time, he grows up to become a pretty good lawyer. It's Everylawyer's story really. As a boy, if you failed at sports, you probably beome a lawyer... or an accountant. Your life was over. Trust me. So then we join older Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez). He's a hotshot lawyer who wins at everything except life... kind of like a reverse Tom Cruise from A Few Good Men. He gets caught drunk driving one night and shows up in court... the judge (who knows him from being a lawyer) is like "I assume you're representing yourself." (8-year-old me's mind *blown*. Wow, just like doctors must be their own doctors... lawyers must be their own lawyers!)

For reasons no kid will understand though, he gets "released on his own recognizance" (I still don’t know what it means). But being a lawyer, he's like, “they have no case!” (against him driving under the influence with an open container). But instead of fighting it, he takes a plea bargain(?) I guess(??) and is sentenced to community service and revocation of his drivers license. Suddenly he's forced to coach youth hockey because somehow community service means coaching jobs, and apparently they’ll give coaching jobs to just any guy with a DUI in the 90s… (oh how times haven't changed). His boss Mr. "Ducksworth" (Josef Somer, who played the scientist in D.A.R.Y.L.) doesn't fire him, and he gets a driver provided by the court. Man this guy gets off easy! But then… I guess the team he’ll be coaching is the "real punishment," amiright? 

They're called “District 5.” They’re your typical snot-nosed little shit 90s goon squad, backwards-hat brigade, obsessed with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, and “your mom” jokes. There's of course Fat Kid ("Goldburg"), who is afraid of getting hit with pucks (so of course he's the goalie)... Dork Kid (Les Averman), who spouts what are supposed to be hil-laaarious one-liners but are usually just garbled cringey nonsense... Perv Kid (Peter), who is the "Mouth" of the group... Girl Kid ("Connie," I think?), who is a girl... Shy Kid who they call "Spaz" ("Charlie") (played by Jake Gyllenhaal), who is too pure for this world... Misunderstood Punk Kid ("Fulton"), who is exactly what it says on the label... Other Fat Kid ("Dave "Karpster" Karp"), who falls down a lot... Nice Kid ("Terry") (played by Jussie Smollett), brother to Streetwise Kid ("Jesse"), who says "cake-eater" a lot... and Ginger Kid ("Danny Tamberelli"... no wait, ah screw it, it's him), who has a sister who also plays for the team and is a figure skater (uh... not guessing on her name). We meet some of them in the act of doing the good old “dog poop in a abandoned purse” prank on the sidewalk. And we see every part of the plan from them feeding the dog, to following it around waiting for it to give them a good one, to scooping it, to setting the trap with the bait (a dollar bill sticking out)… to the mark finding it and then chasing them down the street all sped up ala something out of A Christmas Story. One nutshot later and Victory is achieved. Profit!!

So basically they're little shits. It's set up like they're bored and directionless, but then we learn that these kids also already play hockey together on a team, but are so lousy they're still just called "District 5" (which is not a 90s boy band but the hockey district they all live in). It seems they just lost their old coach to a heart attack from shouting at them too much. (Not a joke, it's in the movie.) Gordon Bombay meets the kids by having his driver drive his limo(?) out onto the ice they're playing on, just to be badass, and he shows them just how much he cares about his forced community service: “I’m sure this will be a real bonding experience… and maybe one day one of you will even write a book about it in jail!"  (And thus, the movie.)

“Hey, just so you know, you really suck.”  (Ouch! 90s kid smack down). But no, it is the boys who suck. But then, saywahhhht? There’s a girl??  But then Coach Gordon: “if you need anything, fax me.” He gets back in his limo. And there you go. So of course they want a ride in the limo, and all go jump on the roof and climb in, eat donuts off the dash, mess around with the phone, and rip a really ripe SBD in the backseat… immediately... and it's all fun and games until psycho-mom ruins it by overacting... I meant overreacting to the car being on the ice. Party's over. Parents mad. But the really sad thing about it was... now we'll never know who's fart it was.

So okay, that's the Mighties for ya. But what about their inevitable rival team? Well, of course they're a little Cobra Kai military unit. “The Hawks." Evil incarnate, wearing all black, your typical jerks who drop “wuss breath!” and “girls!” (while talking to boys) every other word and of course sport some pretty rockin’ roller blades when they’re not on the ice. And you guessed it, they're the very same team that Coach Gordon once played for as a kid, and you guessed it, they're still coached by none other than Evil Coach himself, the same guy who ruined Gordon's love of hockey! Oh and guess what, Evil Coach "has never forgiven him" for making the peewee team have second place for the only time in its history that year. Woo doggy! That's some baggage to be carrying around for decades! So now it's not just about community service... now it's personal for Coach Gordon. 

But to say they get their asses handed to them in their first tryout game against the Hawks... is to assume they're anything but a bunch of asses. They suck!! Sticks flying... body checks... body slams... face plants into walls, into floors, into each other... exasperated refrains of “They’re killing us out there!” and “You guys stink!” (Well, they’re sweaty hockey players.)  Not to mention some really cringy humor by yours truly, dorkatron dorkus maximus "Averman" (“huummm goaliegoaliegoalie... saa-wing-goalie!”). So, seeing as the team he's coaching is really that bad and is playing up against a team headed by a Coach Evil, Gordon starts teaching them the old lawyer-speak whiplash tactic... to fall down on purpose to cheat. “What do we do?" "Take the fall! Act hurt! Get indignant!”  "Good. You guys are ready." But Shy Kid Charlie’s not having it, and neither are the parents. Now it’s not just personal, but parents’ money for hockey practices is on the line. And oh yeah, German old guy says it’s “not all about winning, it’s about fun.” “Teach them to fly.”

Now Charlie doesn’t want to be on the team if he's just being taught to cheat because he's too pure for this world (despite the dog poop pranks), but apologies are offered when Coach Gordon shows up at Charlie's house. At first the kid eye rolls, probably ready to just crop dust the room and leave... until, that is, he realizes that maybe coach can be New Dad to him and New D to his single mom... setting up an obvious romance plot with Charlie’s mom... and... setting up Coach Gordon for a lifetime of factual and guilt-free "your mom" jokes at Charlie's expense. (Gee, Charlie did you think this through?) In the end, Charlie decides he wants to be on the team and will go to any lengths to get his mom and his coach together. Sweet or weird, you be the judge.

So while Coach Gordan is getting tight with Charlie's whole world, he also gets back tight with the team by utilizing his legal firm to give money to the hockey team to buy them new gear (SWEET!) and enlisting the local figure skating kids to come play hockey with them. It's here they get their "Ducks" name from their sponsor (Gordon's boss, Mr. "Ducksworth"), and it’s also where the kids learn from an old newspaper clipping in the sports store that their coach was a former “Hawk!” Oooh now it’s getting interesting! At practice, Dorkus Dorkatron Averman says “wax on wax off” in a racist accent and gets a stick to the stomach, and Scaredy-Goalie Goldburg gets over his fear of pucks by being subjected to a firing squad of pucks while tied down in a scene that has a least 15 things wrong with it…  it’s funny because it’s child abuse? Actually, it’s probably 10 times worse than what Coach Gordon experienced!

But now there’s also “Misunderstood Punk Kid” (Fulton) who keeps following them around but doesn't join the team. He's out breaking windows with his puck shots. What good will ever come of him? Wait a minute…  he shoots pucks like bullets… and we have a hockey team… 1+1= 2! But he can’t skate. Well… shenanigans ensue when they start teaching him how to skate by having the whole team go joyriding through the mall on roller blades in a montage cut from every single 90’s kid’s fever dream! Splash! Old lady in the mall fountain! 

Now they get their new uniforms. “Ducks? What braindead jerk came up with that name?” To which Gordon inexplicably replies: "I’ll have you know that the duck is the most noble, agile, and intelligent animal of the animal kingdom.” “But they don’t even have teeth!”  “Niether do hockey players.” “Ducks never say die” …etc. (Really, Gordon says that). In reality, it's "Ducks" because Disney’s making this movie and Disney can only draw mice and ducks for cartoons, so they decide on the name “Mighty Ducks” and this wins them over. (A similar thing happened when we got the “bat” badge in my cub scout den.) This gives them a new glut of confidence because sure, District 5 sucked, “but the DUCKS are UNDEFEATED!” (Technically true...)

And so, getting cool equipment and being called “Mighty Ducks” also suddenly makes them much better at hockey, scoring their first goal even, until Other Fat Kid ("David "Karpster" Karp") “takes one for the team” in either his head or his family jewels, it's hard to tell (complete with bird tweeting sounds)… to which Dorkatron Averman does his schtick “Eh Karpster! You-just-hadta-stopda-puck! Eh Mr. Karpelaney!...” (showing just why it should've been him). But  Fulton (“Misunderstood Punk”) turns out to be the ace in the hole, the secret weapon, the real silent but deadly amongst them, for he gets out there and ties the game! Wow! We TIED! 

We also learn that Coach Gordon would not have been a Hawk if he was playing today, since he lived in what is now "Duck territory." But as a result of his legal precision as a lawyer, he also ends up snagging one of the "evil" Hawks kids (a kid named Adam Banks) because technically he too lives within the district boundaries for the Ducks, not the Hawks. The parents and the Evil Coach protest, as do the Ducks themselves, since "evil kids" should stay on "evil hockey teams," and the other kids of the Ducks even overhear Coach Gordon calling his team “losers” out of context in front of the Hawks parents, and NOW it means something to them. They feel like it's because they're not good enough, so that's why Coach Gordon is putting a Hawk on their team. Ducks forfeit a game as a result, and everyone on the team's mad at each other. 

So now they’re in need of a pep-talk, and Charlie’s playing scab. He’s meeting Coach Gordon in a neutral location (a diner where his mom works), and crossing the picket line. Coach is a “Hawk” after all, it’s in his blood. Once a Hawk, always a Hawk! But Charlie thinks otherwise because coach is also New Dad. So Charlie of course says the line most 10-year-old boys say about their own mothers serving them coffee: “You know, she has many fine qualities that most men find attractive.”  Gordon replies, “I know that Charlie, it has not escaped me.” But coach has more on his mind than a forced romantic subplot. He wants to quit being coach because the Ducks don’t respect him, so Charlie runs out in tears because New Dad is walking out of his life... just like Old Dad. Aw.

Cut to science class. Teacher: “Now if the red balls are oxygen, what are the blue balls?” (“hehehe” -Beavis and Butthead in the back of the room.) “Hydrogen!” says Danny Tamberelli. Teacher: “Right, now put them together and you have a molecule that makes up 96% of your body.”  Danny Tamberelli: “Pizza?” (Fact.)

Teacher is called away and the team begins having a fist fight due to all the drama with their coach, and the fact that they're all in the same science class together for some reason. Different factions are forming for and against Coach Gordon... but one thing they all can agree on is that they are "Ducks! Ducks! Ducks!...!" all the way to detention, where they are all forced to write "I will not quack at the principal" Bart Simpson style. 

Cake-eater!

Long story short, "evil" former-Hawk kid ends up having to play for the Ducks anyways, and Evil Coach gets Gordon fired from his law firm job because yeah, apparently his boss WAS going to "fire him over a bunch of ... kids?? And a game??" He doesn’t back down, and he quits by “quacking” his way out of the building. So because he stuck up for them (and gets them out of detention), they decide to all love him again as their coach. And at least one “your mother!” joke later, the team meets evil kid (Adam Banks), the kid from the Hawks, and while Charlie tries to welcome him, he's quickly called a “cake-eater” and Dorkus goes “ooh, the jestman, eh thenewguy, thejester...!” (“Shut up Averman!”) In short, the team rejects evil kid… except Charlie of course, because he’s too pure for this world. 

Now the Ducks are getting arrogant about tying games like true champions. The gameplan? Give the puck to Fulton, with the sage advice: “soft hands, concentration... not strength!” (Because he can slap it but he can’t aim... he only gets "1 out of 5" shots in). So because of Fulton, they win one game, and make the playoffs. (That’s when you KNOW this is Peewee hockey!) Coach Gordon celebrates with the team by taking them to a profesh hockey game where the hockey players (who say "oot" and "aboot" a lot) impress the Ducks by remembering their coach "from peewees," and suddenly Gordon's looking pretty good if he's getting compliments from pros, so who’s the daddy now?  Good times are had to a Randy Newman-ish song.

Speaking of daddy issues… Charlie and New Dad are sitting down to a romantic dinner, to which the boy says: “Did you know, the Northstars last year wore the same underwear all through the playoffs, for luck. I’m doing the same thing.” (...uh... rock on dude.) Somehow this leads to Coach Gordon and Charlie’s mom having a date at the obligatory skating rink in the snowy Christmas park at night ala Groundhog Day, until she’s realizing that her son may be more in love with him than she is. Oh but they kiss. Nevermind. 

So the team goes into the playoffs in a rousing montage of winning streaks (and of course it makes front page news every week). And so of course it’s the final game, and they get down to good Coach Gordon and Mighty Ducks vs. Evil Coach and Evil Hockey Team, the Hawks. In this corner… “Win! Win! Win!” (because winning is everything) and in that corner, “Quack! Quack! Quack!” (because ducks) … but will evil kid Banks sabotage the game?? Does he bleed Hawk? Well, the Hawks score their first goal. Then second. Then third. Then the Hawks conspire to take down their fellow Former-Evil-Kid Banks just because he's playing against them now. They push him just as he scores for the Ducks, and he’s down, injured, out cold. Evil kid #2 even goes “what did you do?” To which Eviler Kid says, in the coldest, shrewdest, most sociopathic voice imaginable for a 10-year-old… “My job.” Oh it still sends shivers down my spine! 

He does get sidelined for the body check, but Evil Coach gives him a "good job." Meanwhile, the Ducks gather around their injured comrade and suddenly decide that, though he be a a Former Hawk and a "cake-eater," he did help them score, so maybe he’s not so bad after all. And now the kid lifts up his arm in a dying final request as the medics are wheeling him out in a stretcher: “Do me a favor… kick some Hawk butt..." He has turned on his old team because they treated him like... well... like a hawk. He will probably die. (No wait, he shows up at the end).

So Misunderstood Kid Fulton scores with his bullet shot. The score's 3-2. Now the plan amongst the Hawks is to take out Fulton. Hawks then score 4-2. Danny Tamberelli's figure skating sister somehow scores a goal with a pirouette. 4-3! A fight breaks out amongst the teams. Misunderstood Fulton gets taken out for fighting, even though it wasn't his fault (it was a misunderstanding!). It’s all over. No secret weapon anymore. But the Ducks hit back with the “Flying V” formation as Old German Dude looks on… and… SCORE! 4-4!! WOOOT! TIE GAME!  23 seconds to go. Just enough time for the Ducks to win… Charlie’s got it…  oh the Hawks take him down with a stick beating… times up! But because of the Hawk's bad play, it'll all come down to a single penalty shot for the game, and Coach Gordon somehow knows Charlie’s the one to do it... because he wants to bang his mom. So will Charlie do what Gordon couldn’t as a kid?? Will history repeat?? … Will Evil Coach finally get egg on his face after all these years?? Slowmo... annnnnnnnnnd... .... YES! ALL NET!!! Last second!! DUCKS WIN!!!  5-4!!!  Music swells! 

Evil Coach egg on face! Gordon redeemed! “Ducks! Ducks! Ducks!...”

And maybe Gordon gets the the girl (but was he even looking for one?) and more importantly, Charlie gets New Dad.

See world, it's not all about winning, it’s about having fun. Because when you are all about having fun, you always seem to win in these movies. But the real winning is the friends we made along the way. Inter-team competition is good, but hatred of the "other team" is something always taught. 

"A team isn't a bunch of kids out to win. A team is something you belong to, something you feel, something you have to earn." 

Just as long as you don't join Team I Don't Like I mean, Team Evil.

And hey Ducks, see you next sequel season!

Harriet the Spy

In all the hullabaloo about female heroines these days, it's refreshing to pull from the past and find examples that actually get it right. Ellen Ripley in the Alien movies. Sarah Conner from the Terminator movies. Dr. Ellie Satler from Jurassic Park. Jodie Foster in Contact...etc. And that's crazy because it's not something that should be so hard to begin with, especially these days, this whole idea of a "strong female character" who is also human, maybe even flawed, but still gets the job done. That's like, an everyday thing. If anything, it should be harder to write emotionally deep and complex male characters who are also "heroic" (indeed, 'tis much more rare). Harriet the Spy though accomplishes both feats, and for that and many other reasons, it may not only be a defining movie of any 90s childhood, but an important movie for our current times of Twitter take-downs, "savage" hot takes, and "call out culture." Harriet knows why none of this is good. She blazed that trail, and we would do well to learn the easy way what she learned the hard way. And no, it's not just that "a good spy never gets caught."

I may be biased because when I was growing up and first saw this movie, I had a childhood crush on Michelle Trachtenberg, who plays our titular heroine Harriet. I was familiar with her as Younger Pete's tit-for-tat girlfriend on The Adventures of Pete and Pete, one of my favorite shows back then. Her antics were what made the later season of Pete and Pete worthwhile, and it was downright awesome that they saw her potential and gave her her own movie to boot. And as an avid Nickelodeon watcher, I was well aware of the fact that Nickelodeon was pumping their "first ever movie!" all over the airwaves, starring none other than "Pete and Pete" star Trachtenberg. Since then we've gotten used to Nickelodeon movies being sure bets of trad Nick properties (Rugrats, Good Burger, Jimmy Neutron, Hey Arnold, Spongebob, Wild Thornberries, Spongebob, Last Airbender, Spongebob...etc), or big dumb "boy movies" like TMNT, TMNT: Out of the Shadows, TMNT: Return to Ooze ... and 2017's Monster Trucks. Eek. With that track record, it's surprising to think that Nickelodeon once took a risk on their first movie and decided to do both a coming of age dramady, an adaptation of an old children's book... and one starring... a GIRL!? That just goes to show you how... far?... we've come since 1996? *shrugs*

(Okay... Snow Day was a hoot, I'll give them that. Not a good movie, but still a hoot.)

Which brings me back to Harriet. "Hoot" is not how I would describe this movie. Matilda was a "hoot." Harriet is what we would describe these days as "deep," or at least "woke AF," but that could just be because we're dealing with a girl for a change, and a particularly precocious one at that. She dreams of being a writer. She keeps tabs on people in her life, her school friends and enemies, and everyone she runs into in her neighborhood, including the family who owns the Chinese food restaurant in town, and she writes everything down in her "private" notebook. She's kinda spoiled, but headstrong. She's got rich parents who don't spend much time with her, so she bonds mostly with her nanny, Rosie O'Donnell, a wisdom-spouting Obi Wan Kenobi. Yeah. Speaking of Twitter gods, Rosie O'Donnell plays Rosie O'Donnell in this movie. It's amazing. Anyways, Harriet's other best friends include this boy named "Sport" who is a kind of "domestic goddess" in his own house because he's poor and his dad's a drunk, and a girl named Janie who performs dangerous chemistry experiments in her bedroom. See what I mean? Not only can girls do science, but boys can cook and clean house with the best of 'em! *mind blown*  1996 ftw!

Harriet's life changes one night when her nanny Golly brings a date over for an evening meal at the house, leading to the absolute funniest and most inexplicable "stare off" between any two characters in any movie ever. (If you're reading this, you know the scene!) Anyways, Golly burns the meal and three of them decide to go out to the movies instead. They have a great time and come back late. Too late. Harriet's mom and dad are home from their high class business lifestyle or whatever, and FLIP the F@%K OUT for no other reason than they're two snobby buttholes who object to Harriet bringing tomato+mayo sandwiches to school every day (and other stuff, but that was always the take away for me). They fire Golly on the spot, and then immediately beg her to stay. But Golly's got some pride and decides to leave anyway. And right there. That's some real shit. Golly could return and stay a part of Harriet's life, but she decides that it's better to be a good role model for Harriet and leave on her own terms and allow Harriet room to grow on her own terms as well. Right there ladies and gents, is a strong female character. Anyways, Golly tells Harriet to never give up writing and to channel all of her observations about people into a novel... so that she can one day buy an autographed copy. Then Golly rides off in a yellow taxi, in a scene that is WAY more heartbreaking than that little dickcheese Simba losing his dear ol' buttfart dad.

And so, in the absence of her mentor, Harriet goes full-tilt into the "spy" role she loves so much, which means suiting up in boots and taking along spy gear such as cameras and scopes, and for some unexplained reason a bright yellow trench coat (conspicuous much?). She even sneaks into a mansion at one point and spies on some old lady from the inside of the house's dumbwaiter in a scene as tense as anything you'll see in a Mission Impossible movie (and much more funnier when she's discovered). In all her travels, she records detailed notes on what everyone she's interested in is up to... and you can kinda see where it's going...

Harriet the Spy branded "spy" merch! Hell yeah! Back in the day there was a call in sweepstakes on Nickelodeon where kids could call an 800 number for a chance to get an exclusive "Harriet the Spy Kit" ... presumably a belt with a binoculars, a magnifier, a flashlight, and one of those black-and-white school notebooks with the word "PRIVATE" written on it. Awwww yeah. Needless to say, I was not one of the lucky few. Not like I couldn't make my own kit... which apparently many kids did... and I'm sure none of them got busted for "super sleuthing." Nope. I sure didn't. "A good spy doesn't get caught!"

So Harriet gets caught. As is the case with most coming of age girl movies, the main villain of the movie is a stuck up bitch ... I mean rich girl in their class, Marion Hawthorne, who seemingly spends every night and day plotting ways to torment our main cast. In doing so, the movie really sheds a light on just how mean and vindictive girl bullying can be, and also how accurate. There are scenes between Harriet and Marion as this thing progresses that get so real that you almost wonder how these characters are going to survive the movie without throwing a toaster in the bathtub (and this was before Mean Girls!)! Well, one day in the park, Harriet is playing with her friends and gets a little careless with her private notebook where she's been talking trash about everyone behind their backs. The notebook goes missing, only to be found in the hands of one, Marion Hawthorne, who proceeds to read Harriet's "observations" about everyone in attendance right from the page. Suddenly, everyone knows Sport is poor and his dad's a drunk, that Janie's science ambitions are strange, and that Marion Hawthorne's parents are never around or something. Indeed, no one is safe from Harriet and her pen! Immediately shocked, they all turn on her in probably the most played scene in the movie.

But this reveal is only the beginning. What really makes this movie interesting now is that Harriet knows she done goofed, and yeah, she sulks and apologizes and tries to do the right thing and move on. She even tries to give people space and give them time to get over it, but no one lets her live it down. She's pariahed. She's ignored. And just when she accepts her fate, they all start conspiring against her to make her life a living hell at the school and abroad, even starting a "Spy-Catchers" Club and dousing her with blue paint during class in the basic "tar and feather" routine of every angry mob in history. She slaps Marion in the face, and is immediately under the Gestapo as her desk is now checked daily for "notebooks."

This kid is so 90s it's funny...

The emotions get so raw here that Harriet then begins lashing out at everyone else in retaliation for their attacks on her, and the movie actually starts taking a dark turn. She spreads the fact that Marion's father doesn't love her to everyone in attendance in that most sacred of gossip areas... "the girls room." She sabotages Janie's science experiments to disillusion her friend. And then the worst: she spreads leaflets all over school to emasculate Sport, picturing him in a dress and a duster under the moniker "Man of the House!" Yikes. She is sent to one of those new-agey sycophant child psychologists who get paid 100 bucks an hour to play board games with kids, so nothing comes of it.

And that's it. It's over. And she spirals into a deep depression and probably contemplates suicide in the bathtub... But then, just as every bridge is burned... she gets her notebook back and Golly comes back into her life (now on good terms with her parents) and gives her some sage advice: "Beauty is truth, and truth, beauty." Basically, maybe the truth about people doesn't have to hurt them. Words can destroy, but they can also build, and Harriet has to learn to use her powers of observation for good. "I want to know everything" she says, but for what purpose if not to make the world better?

So despite the fact that her relationship with her friends seems shattered beyond repair, the only thing more factual is that Marion Hawthorne turns out to be an even worse star for all of Harriet's friends to have hitched their wagons to, suddenly realizing that they've all been turned into her little pets. They decide enough is enough one by one and sever their loyalties to the rich girl, but back to Harriet they still dare not tread, not until Harriet gets her opportunity to use her observation skills for good. She recounts to all of them in the class paper all the good things she likes about them, and that certainly chalks one up for her side. But she really gets her chance to shine when a series of fortunate events leads to a performance of the typical "healthy eating" school play becoming ground zero for a good ole' biohazard stink bomb blowout that her and her friends wage, all while Marion Hawthorne is playing the signature role! Woobah! I guess you could say, it's "curtains" for her!

So all is well that ends well. Harriet learns her lesson, her friends are back in her column, and we are all the better for it. So yeah, pretty important stuff for the "call-out" culture we are living under. Learn the lesson that Harriet  M. Welsch has to teach us, that if you can't say something nice about someone, don't... er... well, see, gossip spreads like a proverbial stink bomb in the wind. Let him who hath not been a douchebag cast the first blue paint... m'kay? Someone please get the message to Twitter users. Oooh snap!

Something Else Worth Being Alive For...

A E S T H E T I C

Any kid of the 90s knows how popular America's Funniest Home Videos actually was... in the 90s. Perhaps just as popular as "home movies" were. But unlike "home movies," apparently America's Funniest Videos (or AFV) never went away... like the original theme song... which is still tattooed into my brain forever. It was stage two of what would eventually become Bob Saget's final form, half way between Danny Tanner and Funny Bob Saget. But apparently, while camcorders and "sending your VHS tape to the PO Box on your screen" don't exist anymore, what does still exist (besides the theme song on rotation in my head) is the hallmark of their video adulation: namely, dudes of all stripes... getting whacked in the nuts.

Yeah, they did other things, and yeah, now we got Tosh.0 and Ridiculousness... but those are explicitly adult shows. With AFV, there was always something so much more charming about the whole family being able to gather together around the TV, prime time ABC, and enjoy a nice wholesome home movie, perhaps... of a dad and son... havin' a catch ... only for dad to end up on the ground, holding his groin. Or brother and sister... havin' a sparring match in the living room... only for brother to end up sterile for life.

Ahh... the memories.

So, in the spirit of looking back, the geniuses over at AFV (now sans saxophone intro) compiled 600 groin shots in 600 seconds from across the years of user-generated content submitted to the show, once stored deep in their archives, now unearthed once again as the marvel that it is... proving yet again that... yes, guys getting whacked in the nuts is still funny.

And so... without further adieu, AFV brings you, for your viewing enjoyment... "600 Groin Shots in 600 Seconds"...

How is this show still on the air? Because some things... never get old. 

Bushwhacked

Why? Because it's time for some good ole Bush. Back in 1995, I was a 9-year-old boy, and two things happened. The all-time best Jumanji movie came out ("What year is it??"), and the best all-time movie about being a Boy Scout came out. What a two-fer!  But as Jumanji was a better movie (and as such has gone on to be something of a nostalgia bait-and-switch "franchise" in recent years), the little scouting movie called Bushwhacked has remained, thankfully, largely unscathed. In fact, like Daniel Stern's career afterwards, it seems to have almost disappeared. Unlike his career though, this one is fondly remembered. I am one of those braves, because I happened to be a scout at the time (and proud of it), so you better believe that I blew chunks over this movie. This was like "you know you're a scout if..." kind of humor, and I just sat there the whole time saying "yup!" and eating it up ... most likely along with my boogers.

Wow mom! A movie about boy scouts! And hey, it's... that guy! Yeah, the dumber half of the "Wet/Sticky Bandits," and he's roughing it with a bunch of scouts while on the run from the law? That's the one to rent! It was a hoot. And yeah, Daniel Stern was just right for this. Jim Carrey might've been able to pull it off, but it would've been too cartoony. Daniel Stern gets in the mugging just fine, but also adds a little touch of risque menace as well, which really sells it. You might say a little of that mugging goes a long way, but you're not the 9-year-old me. Being nine and being a scout, this Daniel Stern vehicle was so far up my alley at the time that it might as well have tried to take me behind a tree at Jamboree! (Yeah, I know, bad joke... but come on! This movie is begging for it now, especially given the baggage of time that the BSA has absorbed.) Seriously, after the BSA molest-athon that was the 80s and 90s... they decided to smarten up and let GIRLS join the "Boy Scouts" because apparently there were too many penises and not enough cookies, and too many penises is always a recipe for disaster (And for more cookies? Sounds like a good trade off to me.), and oh yeah, because the Girl Scouts won't mind.... *fart noise*

As for the plot, Daniel Stern plays a bumbling loser named Marv... oh wait... wrong movie. He plays a bumbling loser named Max Grabelski, a delivery man who is falsely accused of murder and has to go on the run from the cops. He takes off for the woods to retrieve evidence that will clear his name, but along the way he gets mistaken as some kind of "famous scout leader" Jack "Spider" Erickson, who is expected to take a band of boy scouts on an overnight into the woods. In a monumental feat of incompetence that sadly must've been the norm for the BSA back in the day (given what we know now), the clueless parents send their kids off with Max into the woods on that very overnight (assuming he's the scoutmaster they're expecting), a task which Max (desperate to not be found out) reluctantly accepts. Then, despite his attempts to shake the kids off at every turn, his ad hoc outdoor advice to mask his ruse, and their relentless fawning over him as their scouting messiah, the stage is set for some stupid good ole' hijinks in the woods, and a lot of Daniel Stern's trademarked mugging.

Seriously though, after an extended opening credits sequence inexplicably spoofing "Saturday Night Fever" (which I never got until now)... as a kid, this movie had me at "Sno Balls". I absolutely loved those things as a kid, and I too would often just jam the entire things in my mouth in one bite. But I digress...

Early on in the movie, it's revealed that these boys are... kinda lame ("Gordy! You're supposed to get your cooking badge by roasting a porcupine with a magnifying glass!"). Yeah. Like that. In fact, we're intro'ed to them climbing what appears to be a rocky cliff, but a quick camera swirl reveals that they're... just crawling horizontally across their driveway. Haha! So lame! I definitely got it though. It's hard to be a Dork Scout... having the other kids egg you on to "get it together" because you failed to get a certain badge on time like the rest of the troop... etc. That's real shit when you're a scout. But these yahoos are just a goonsquad of overprotected pussies (and coming from Yours Truely, Dorkus Maximus here, that's saying something). So ball-less are they that the fact that a girl is joining their ranks doesn't even seem to faze them. As soon as she jumps in the mini-van with them for the trip, they all kind of just go "nice... finally!" As in, finally they have someone... capable... joining their ranks! Woke? Nope. Just dorks.

The Girl doesn't even do any classic "told you so'ing" in the movie, and for all in tents and purposes, pretty much becomes "one of the guys" for the rest of the movie, with one exception. It's kind of a missed opportunity for some "girl power!" stuff, or something, but whatever. All the kids start to blend together as the thing goes on anyways.

Like Ace Ventura movies, do yourself a favor and don't even worry about the plot, or the characters. This movie is a hijinks check sheet. Bear chase scene? Check! Rickety rope bridge scene? Check! Waterfall action scene? Check! Cliff climbing scene? Check! Tree climbing scene? Check! Sexual innuendo scene? Check! Beehive sting scene? Check! Peeing in the woods scene? Check! Inconceivably stupid schmaltzy ending? Check! Fart jokes? Check! I'm sure there's a nut shot in there somewhere too. And this even extends to the characters. The kids are your basic checklist as well. You got your foul-mouthed cool rebel kid (with backwards hat of course), your Scout-Code-spouting dork virgin (wearing glasses of course), your wide-eyed tenderfoot, your lardbutt (who is fat), and your girl (who is a girl). All they needed was Token Black to complete the checklist. And at first, while they still think this guy is their actual scoutmaster, they do seem to be nothing more than a bunch of mindless idiots, gleefully following this random werido around while marching along and chanting songs their moms wrote for them:

"We're Troop 12, the scouts' top crew!
We're honest, kind, and real fun, too!
We yell hurrah, we yell hooray!
We run and dance and sing and play!
We do good deeds, we help our friends..."

Max: "Alright! Alright!! Knock it off!! What is that?? We run and dance and sing and PLAY?" Kid: "My mom kinda wrote the words...."  Max: "Well they suck! OK?!"

This really hits home. Every Cub Scout and Boy Scout thing I was involved in was overwhelmingly run by moms... and you know... there was a lot of lame, cissy, ball-less, soulless, bubble-wrapped, very un-boyish stuff they'd often have us do... clearly because all our moms were misandrists who wished we were girls instead! (Hi mom!) But yeah, I could totally relate to their sorry plight. And maybe, just maybe, a guy like Max is someone these sheltered brats need to show 'em the real ropes, right? Well, soon enough the kids start to suspect that this guy isn't their real scoutmaster, because believe it or not, he doesn't know a spruce from a deuce, and he chain smokes like a chimney (seriously guy, forest fires are no laughing matter).

"Please don't kill us Mad Max!"

Well, once the reality of their actual kidnapping becomes clear back on the ground (the news even nicknames him "Mad Max Grabelski"), the kids find out over a makeshift radio that they are indeed THE kids who were kidnapped! And as the authorities are called in, the kids end up getting trailed by their actual scoutmaster, a man they know as "Spider" ...a gung-ho scouting-marine who raw-dog shaves with a friggin' machete from the front of his military-grade Jeep (awww yeah, hoo-rah... yay masculinity!), and a crooked cop who turns out to be in on the money laundering scam that framed Max to begin with. The kids attempt smoke signals in the hopes of a rescue, but it doesn't go well. The real "Spider" does indeed see them, but they spell out "BELP! BELP!" ... (Kids: "No! It's two long, two short!" "Well what am I supposed to do? Cross that letter out??"). Then things get pretty dark as the kids even try to poison their kidnapper by drugging his canteen with their medications... but hilarity and body horror ensues instead.

Actually, it's refreshing how quickly the scouts go from blissful ignorance to "holy shit, this guy is a fugitive and we need help" to "please don't kill us Mad Max!!" ...all on the way towards Max's hamfisted personal redemption and the kids' inevitable Stockholm's syndrome. The movie actually seems like it's setting up to be a black comedy, but then we get to the, um, bonding. "Hey guys, maybe this guy isn't so bad after all..." definitely sets in, as they go from misadventure to misadventure in the woods, to which Max bumbles his way each time towards the Herculean task of ensuring their safety, proving his innocence, and promoting the growth of their self confidence... and balls... (including the girl)... You know, basically doing what scouting was supposed to be doing all along...

Be Prepared.

"I'm Superstud!" ... is what Max gets the frightened dork scout to say to coax him across the rickety rope bridge while the kid's shitting himself in fear. Indeed, it's something I probably said once or twice to coax myself to jump off a diving board or ride a chairlift. It's a charming scene for sure about learning courage, but does saying that work? Probably not as much as chanting "I have a big penis"... but I guess they had to somehow make this PG. As a dork myself, I too know the importance of lying to yourself. (Sorry kid.) And indeed, Max's good ole fashioned "fireside sex talk" with the kiddies should also be required viewing by all kids due to its hilarity and its accuracy, both in its eye-opening Barbie-Ken doll orgasmic cacophony (thanks Girl), and its aftermath ("And then the man smokes a cigarette, watches a little Leno, and goes to sleep..."). Or how about the girl's bra-slingshot?! And they said girls can't be good scouts! "Be prepared" I always say!

Plus, this great lecture on the (very real) importance of pine cones, by Dork Kid... with associated shenanigans:

Great stuff, right? Well, there's more. How about the cliff climbing scene, which truly becomes death defying in the most Boy Scout way possible ("Dude, did you just rip one?" "No." "Yes, you did! You stink! Hey I can't climb behind this guy anymore!" "Don't make me climb down there guys!"). Haha! Seriously kid, you don't fart while scaling a cliff one by one in a line. That's in the manual. Or how about the hilarious scene where dork kid stops to assure Max (now suspended over a chasm as the scouts crawl across his back) that he should be able to "hold out" for 3 more minutes, to which Max strains in reply: "good... then TAKE YOUR TIME!"... Or what about the scene of Max coming to the rescue of... Other Kid... (Gordy) dangling off the edge of a cliff by a cracking pine tree ("I'm just a delivery guy!!"). Or heck, even as Max is trying to untie Gordy's mother later on, who had been tied up by the bad guys (Max: "What kind of knot is this??"  Man's voice: "It's a clove hitch..."  Max: "Thank you!"  Bad Guy: "I learned it in the scouts..."). Hahahaha!

(Btw, that def wasn't a clove hitch... just sayin'...)

And of course, how could the 9-year-old me not revel in the poetry on display:

Shake your lizard, let it drain!

Move your hips and spell your name!

Send it straight and send it hard!

Now a sword-fight! Go! En guard! 

Eat your veggies, eat your starches,

Lean back boys! Golden arches! 

Didn't I say this was an accurate portrayal of being in the Boy Scouts? That's heartwarming stuff right there. As well as the punchline: "Hey Spider, we just pissed on some guys!"

It's funny... because it's real. 

Anyways, enough fun stuff. Back to the "plot." Spoilers, but after some standoffs and action scenes, and with the eventual help of their actual scoutmaster (who had been handcuffed around a... very tall tree... and somehow manages to "Marine" his way up and over it in the course of a night!!), Max is able to clear his name, get on all the good guys' good graces, and walk free, despite all the obvious. But even more importantly (now that we're all invested as an audience), having decided to protect these kids from the real bad guys who are just inexplicably evil suddenly ("and after you're done killing him, kill the kids!"), he's finally able to prove, to himself, that he's maybe not so much a "loser" after all. Aww shucks, right? And yeah, I guess he... has some kind of impact on the kids to "toughen them up" and make "real men" (and "woman") out of them from their sheltered, millennial, 90s, helicopter parent'ed lives... which I assume is good. This is enough of a stretch, but then the clincher. For having survived an overnight with this would-be fugitive wingnut, the kids get promoted to "First Class Eagle" (which is BULLSHIT AND WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE, and I KNEW THAT EVEN AS A KID!!)... And then, even more shockingly, this guy... despite the fact that he should be in jail even if he was innocent of murdering the guy... gets appointed as their new scoutmaster... "poof" ... just like that... and then gets "orders" to take them ALL on an overnight to Yosemite... and you just gotta say... NO WONDER THE SCOUTS GOT SUED SO MUCH!

I mean, sure, he saved their lives, but he also almost got them all killed... ah, whatever. The movie's over.

Obviously it's played for laughs, but it's the kind of non-sequitur ending you're not even sure is real because it's just soooo over the top schmaltzy that even me, as DUMB as I was as a kid, knew this would NEVER HAPPEN and that this guy would be in JAIL for this shit.

But then again, it was the Boy Scouts, and it was the 90s...

Anyways... This was a fun movie. And a great thesis for why, yeah, boys should never be allowed to join the Girl Scouts...

Shake your lizard. Let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard.,
Now a sword fight. Go! En garde!

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=bushwhacked

Shake your lizard. Let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard.,
Now a sword fight. Go! En garde!

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=bushwhacked

90s Facts of Life that Are No More

Sometimes you'll come across something that you know used to be just a fact of life but now seems like a remnant from another world. All of the following are 90s facts of life that are no more, officially, for better or worse.

Fuzzy toilets. (Trigger warning! People who were traumatized by Look Who's Talking may need to skip this) Remember how toilets used to be fuzzy? At some point they were all shaved, which was probably for the best, seeing as toilet rugs' only purpose was to get wet and soiled. Especially between me and my brother! Our war on toilets saw no end and many deaths! I mean, what was the point of putting the plush "carpet" on the toilet lid? Just in case you want to be comfortable while you're sitting there getting a splinter taken out or a Bandaid put on? And then how are you supposed to use the shelf in back if it's all fluffed out? At least they could've put the plush carpet on the toilet SEAT... you know, just for comfort, but no. That would've made too much sense. Present status: non-existent.

Satellite-dish chairs? (Or whatever they were called.) How about these sliding, two-piece, kiddie Venus fly traps? So inviting, but when you try to climb in, the whole thing shifts and dumps you out. But if you do succeed at scaling in, holding onto the rim without pinching your fingers as the thing shifts violently beneath your weight, you'll probably end up falling into its pillowy bowl center, never to be seen again. But, at least it was great to be able to trap siblings underneath and then go and sit on top.  And then once you were in, this thing was your throne. If you did succeed at getting into it, you're probably still there as you read this. Just stay absolutely still... it can't know you're sitting in it if you don't move! Present status: non-existent.

Fake plants a la mode! As long as they're not real. I enjoy plants. I enjoy the free oxygen. I even had a pet cactus as a kid. It died because I over-watered it. What I don't enjoy about plants? Treating them as though they were living things. I loved the rain forest as a kid, and fake plants were a way to bring the biome... home, although almost exclusively reduced to the "palm tree and fern" variety. Remember the coconut fibers or wood chips they used to be potted in? I must have stole a hundred of them from the doctor's office. Present status: everywhere dead malls can be found... or forever existing in a landfill somewhere. What's the difference anyways. I mean, "you got plants in this building... you pick them because they look good... but these are aggressive living things and they will defend themselves... violently if necessary." --Dr. Ellie Sattler, Paleobotanist

"Entertainment centers" that looked like something out of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Knobs and blinking lights everywhere. I seriously think HAL 9000 was just a JVC VHS sitting on top of a silver stereo. Want to have some 90s kid fun? Press random buttons, and see what happens! I suppose that was the 80-90s equivalent of the Ipad. Want to watch a movie? Well, you gotta get a scientist or tech support to figure it all out, all for the tape to jam, the tracking to be off, or for it to be on the wrong channel anyways. "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that." Besides, the old VCR ports didn't play cookies all that good. Present status: non-existent.


Torch floor lamps, or just... floor lamps in general. Present status: confined to therapy waiting rooms. I would know. Moving on.






Wood-paneled ceiling fans. They were literally in every house. Now they just look scary-looking. They looked like mosquitoes or giant spiders just perched up on the ceiling. They never actually cooled the room down, but they certainly confused people about just what string to pull to get the lights and/or the fan. They made nap time entertaining at my babysitter's place. Present status: quarantined to mobile homes and your aunt's house.

Right now there is a plot to cover up the very existence of indoor wicker furniture. Present status: "never existed, your memories are false! --CIA"

And John Hughes movies.

Enough said.

Mid90s Review

Whodah thought Jonah Hill had it in him? Watching Mid90s recently (because let's face it, I kinda had to eventually) was downright painful, harkening back to a simpler time of kid cruelty... big brother asswipes, good friends turned bitter enemies over something as trivial as some other kid giving you mad props, trying to be "cool" in the eyes of the world at the cost of your bodily and spiritual integrity... and Nintendo Game Boys. (Oh I 'member Game Boys! They were fantastic!) Yeah this movie was painful to watch, like, "hockey puck to the nuts" painful, but only because it was so f'ing TRUE. (And not in the "wazzzuuuup?" kind of way). It's chock full of the kind of inevitable childhood foibles and follies you've repressed that probably traumatized you, which makes it real, and real good emotive stuff. So along with the references and callbacks to that glazed-over, fondly "membered" 90s of orange-splat Nickelodeon and Blast-Processed Genesis/SNES, this movie was painful to watch because while watching it, in ways only someone who has been a kid trying to prove himself can attest, all I could think was "yeah... I remember that."

Kids are f-ing cruel, and this story doesn't pull any punches. In fact, the opening shot involves this kid getting jacked in his home by his older brother. "Ooof!" And so we follow this kid from LA in the year 1995, a year I mostly remember for being the year Jumanji came out (mainly because the girl said it was 1995 in the movie... "what year is it??" indeed). His name's Stevie and he's about 12 or so, and absolutely caught up in that whole urban, street-craze rough skate culture right at the time when it was at its Road Rash, classic Tony Hawk zenith. Of course he and his gang dream of one day "going pro," but are usually found nursing their wounds. BUTT... this ain't no throwback "RADICAL!" or "Cowabunga" "skater" flick with Dom Deluise voice acting a talking magical skateboard (Skateboard Kid anyone?)... this is a movie about the very demographic those 90s kid movie cash grabs were ostensibly "made for." Dumb boys with boners for ex-celennnnt tricks and gnarly wipe outs! Wasted in the x-TREME man! Yeah... These adolescents are more human and down to Earth than typical movie skater boys, and more like the genuine article than perhaps any other depiction of them thus far, realistic and relateable, but also deeply flawed and vulnerable, desperate for something to cling to and protect them... but still pretty dumb.

Like most boys, Stevie's life is simple: wake up, get your ass beat by your OJ-chugging, ganja'ed out, butthead big brother (the kind who probably has another daddy, farts in your face, and tells you his penis is bigger than yours on the reg but you still kinda look up to him for it anyway), get bitched out in public by your deadbeat single mom (who was obviously date-raped at some point in her past and you know it, and is probably yelling at you to get to school because she doesn't know it's the weekend), ditch school anyway (because it's not the weekend), yell racial and homophobic slurs at cops, get called a "faggot" by your "friends" for not executing a perfect Ollie while holding an M15 for street cred and impregnating and subsequently slapping the nearest group of high-skirted, halter-topped hos in the inevitable vicinity... spend time at a skateboard shop just scoping out the scene and getting called a "poser" for wearing a hat the wrong way, then come home, get bitched at by your mom again for being late and how "she doesn't know you anymore," and then get your nightly pummeling in the nuts by big bro who's calling you a homophobic slur again for drinking his prized OJ (and for having a smaller penis). All that, and yeah, Game Boys were a thing. 'Member Game Boys?! Whhhoaaaa! It really is the story of every 90s kid!

Given all this, you can start to understand why skateboarding is so important to Stevie, and why trying to find purpose and connection with other skaters in the pecker-order of that crowd may just be his only shot at escaping his own "90s kid!!" experience. (If only we all had been so lucky.)

In any other Jonah Hill movie, this kid and his group of friends (which probably would've included Jonah Hill, and probably did behind the scenes) would've just been a bunch of dimwitted, pussy-obsessed, stoner, loser skaters, ditching school, cracking gay jokes, getting stoned, getting drunk, and striking out at gettin' some. But this movie shows us this typical "goon squad" in a bit more of a, well, human light, doing all of the above, but doing it like actual teenage boys do it. There's Reuben, who is the youngest (until Stevie enters and trumps him in the hierarchy). There's Ray and Fuckshit, who are the oldest in the group and therefore the most radical skaters this side of the Rockies (and I mean, everything east of the Rockies) and so naturally pretty much rule Reuben and Stevie's worlds with both their stoner wisdom and headcracking stunts, plus the presumed mondo-ness of their genitalia. Then there's Fourth Grade, the quiet type who films stuff, and not on his phone. No. He uses actual "film."

In all their bone-headed and yet charming exploits, the film does a good job of what it's like to grow up as a dude within that urban-type environment and at that particular time in kid culture, with all it's pros and cons on display and not a hint of judgement or commentary attached to it. So allow me to comment on it. (Spoilers be here!)

Stevie struggles to be accepted by his raggedy skater clique, even spending all kinds of money to pimp out his skateboard with something he thought was so cool until a "cooler" kid than him, Reuben, informs him that what he thought was cool was actually lame, and he would know, because he's cool and his skateboard is so much cooler, obviously (damn, that's pretty sound kid logic right there). Stevie struggles to make any name for himself he can with these guys and you really believe he would literally do anything, ANYTHING, no matter how low, criminal, self-destructive, or even whorish or dehumanizing, to get so much as a Y-shaka sign from any of them (damn millennials, always thinking they're entitled to being accepted among the cool kids). This is until he stages a concussion for himself by skating off a roof, landing several feet down onto a table, no helmet. While he's sitting there bleeding from his brain, his chosen set of dudes understandably welcomes him into the fold as one of the gang and confer on him that much-needed "cool" status that every 90s boy needed to survive. But his rapid ascension in the ranks also raises the ire of his one-time best friend Reuben (who was only his friend as long as he could lord his own street cred over Stevie's bushy head), since now Reuben is the one all the guys are cutting down to size and calling a "faggot." Loyalties rapidly shift, as even Stevie now partakes in the denunciation of Reuben and his very status as a male. Does this shit ring a bell? Sounds like the 90s childhood I remember!

Stevie's rise to the top only gets all the more cemented among his peers the night he's invited to a teen party to get wasted with the gang (again, sounds like a dream come true). While at the party, he awkwardly fumbles his way through a conversation with a halter-topped teen girl who is very much his senior, meanwhile trying to act suave while drunk and understandably hiding his erection at the very idea that a chick that hot would even be acknowledging his pubescent existence (the way I would've at that age... or even now). But unlike any chick I've ever embarrassed myself in front of, this one decides that it's time enough for our little boy Stevie to become a man and give him what every boy his age could only dream of getting from someone like her. So she drags him into a back room where she totally... yeah... despite being quite a few years older. (And as South Park so eloquently put it... "Nice...") Emerging entranced and euphoric from that, presumably a full minute later (he's a pubescent boy and she was hot, come on, it couldn't haven taken long), he gets the admiration and commendation of his whole gang who know he just totally scored. His "man card" is officially in the mail. Masculinity unlocked, amiright?

This newfound confidence though brings with it troubles at home. Sure, he now has the cajones to stand up to his big brother and even steal his OJ, but that only means he gets his ass whooped within a pinch of his life even harder because now his brother is "concerned" about him. Suddenly, even his brother is starting to think he's hanging out with the wrong crowd (and that's saying something), but only because beating his ass took more effort this time than it should've. But what's worse, he gets chewed out by his bitch mom and is forbade to converse with any of them at the skateboard shop. But come on... this "bad crowd" got him status and got him laid within the course of a few WEEKS! What has his mother or brother ever done for him? And so, the final act is set up for a confrontation between the forces of evil at home dragging him down into unhinged mediocrity with them, and the forces of good out on the streets who are giving him purpose, connection, camraderie, and getting him laid with smokin' older chicks (who also literally be smokin').

Nice...

All in all, it's everyboy's tale (well, except with the actually having sex part), with a bit more period-specific homophobia thrown in. Why it's called Mid90s, why it even really needs to be set in the 90s, other than for possible Jonah Hill autobiographical cues, is kind of a mystery to me, but its setting and the promise of getting to see the year 1995 depicted in all its glory certainly got me to give it a view. Despite all the heavy stuff, it's actually still a fun romp. Its nostalgia is not a punch to the gut like other recent movies (Captain Marvel, I'm looking at you!). No lingering shots of "Blockbuster Video"... no stupid references to Furbies or Gel Pens or Dial Up Modems whatevers. It's nostalgia is more of a painful reminder of just how damn hard it is to be a kid, and why, when you were one, you wanted to grow up and not be one so damn bad! Relateable much?