In any case, the core message of this live-action South Park may be more relevant than ever in its depiction of an age-old and undeniable truth: that the incomparable idiocy of male youth is truly without limit. It's a warning about why they shouldn't be given sole reign over a society when they grow up. Yikes. And try as you might to cry "sexism" on that, you will still have to explain this movie's existence, it's production, the bags of day-old Testosterone it's made for, and why this one too thought it was damn "hill-aaaaaarius" back in the day. Seriously, this thing is a checklist for every "boy comedy" trope possible... slapstick, wedgies, fart and pee jokes, Porky's stuff, peeping Tom stuff with "hot moms," dressing in drag, gross concoctions, "girls are evil"... it's all here, for the lowest of low common denominator markets. Two decades before the likes of Seth Rogen's much better movie Good Boys, the very existence of this thing proves the point: yes, "boys will be... idiots"... and will also have a lot of ill-advised fun while doing it. "But hey man, it'll make a great story someday..." And I'll be damned if I say it's not... well... "funny"?
This every-boy's tale of the "Three F's of Boyhood" (fighting, flunking, and farting) begins where that lifestyle usually ends: with a prison break. A lone prison inmate named Carl is scaling a wall to make a break for it. It's hard to tell in the dark, but then it hits you, this guy is Earnest P. Worrell himself, Jim Varney... (knowwhadimean?) who actually turns in a more subdued and even sometimes funny performance in this movie (which sadly turned out to be one of his last). Surprisingly he doesn't rely on his Earnest character schtick too much but just goes classic Jim Varney, and is easily the funniest thing in the movie for real. His "captive observer" antics are almost meta with the audience also watching these inexplicably silly shenanigans unfold... and his straight-man reactions to it all often make this movie even legitly funny at times. His prison break isn't explained though as the movie keeps the action going, by... bringing us back to elementary school!
Coming back from the water-soaked ambush defeated BY GIRLS! ... mushroom-cut Buddy shows up (that's his name) and establishes that he's into recording things on camcorders and makes fun of them with "haha... you're wet..." like he's Butthead Himself. The three of them head up to their treehouse "clubhouse" in Timmy's backyard, which of course looks like any kid's sweet-ass bedroom and even has computers in it all hooked up. Now dried off, Stevie reads the "minutes" of last week's meeting while HUFFING helium, and it's here we learn what important things actually go on in these "all-boy secret clubs." Let me huff some helium myself and quote: "Last week, we talked about summer camp, Timmy bought Root Beer, Stevie... that's me... paid a 10 cent fine for leaving the clubhouse door wide open... and of course, we instituted rule 409... no ice cream in the clubhouse, due to Buddy's... delicate condition..." (Ahh! So THAT's why he's called "Bazooka butt!"... In case you were dying to know.)
But then the movie turns into Porky's for a second when the boys run inside and immediately burst in on Tim’s “babe” of a hot mom coming out of the shower in a towel... after inexplicably barging into... the bathroom?? (Guess they just assumed Dad was on the good ole' "Dad Throne"). "Dude, your mom's a babe..." Buddy goes. (Durrrrr!) They find Dad exercising and bring him back to the treehouse to see who they caught, but in the meantime, their captive fugitive has already woken up and somehow manages to stumble back into the pulley thing to get suspended out the window all over again, concealing him from view and knocking him out again(?), just in time for Dad to show up! Dad sees nothing there and gets annoyed. "Show him the tape!" YEAH! Finally a real flash of intelligence! .... Uh.... ... There's nothing on that damn tape but a Peeping Tom shot of another neighborhood mom working out in spandex through a window. "Uh... I guess I didn't hit record." Buddy says. (Durrrrr!)
So the boys call fat cop back to report their captured fugitive, but fat cop tells them, in no uncertain terms, precisely what they can sit on and how fast they should indeed spin on it. So, calling it quits on that idea, Timmy figures he can at least get something out of this by maybe blackmailing this fugitive guy into being his "Current Event report" (about him turning the guy in), and then collect the reward money afterwards of course! Aid and abed the guy why don'tcha! Carl wakes up (from concussion again?) to find himself in a Misery situation too twisted even for Stephen King. He’s tied up, Timmy is force-feeding him sandwiches and telling him to "be a nice Current Events report for me, or I'll turn you in!" The kid then threatens that his tiny "vicious" Wishbone out there named "Potato?" will rip him to pieces if he tries to escape. Kid tucks his tied-up prisoner in though at the end of the night, so it's "awwww??" He steals these counterfeiting money pressing plates off of him while he's asleep, then goes off to his own bed in his own house.
Morning comes, and Carl’s being held in a stockade under slingshot. They have a stupid "court hearing" in the treehouse with stupid Perry Mason talk, spraying their captive with squirt guns and giving him Chair Wedgies in his stockade if he refuses to answer questions like “what did you have for dinner on the night of the 4th??” They get him on the “pizza defense” though, insisting that he was "temporally dumb by the pizza affecting his brain!” (Alright, this movie has officially gone off the rails...)
But don’t think about that, because the girls are back!! And they're ready to besiege the boys' treehouse with water balloons!! So the boys devise a plot to create this spit/booger/condiment/poop sludge concoction (also ripping off Jack), set to a dumb rock montage from out of nowhere that sounds like the Might Be Giants or something... and then float the stuff in a basket out over the girls with helium balloons. They shoot it with a sling shot, which "makes it rain" its nasty contents down upon them. Nailed! Take that GIRLS! Then they victory dance in the treehouse and eat ice cream, forgetting rule 409… which means Buddy's butt immediately explodes into a puff of farts. Everyone rolls back aghast at the... gas... waves of pure fart filling out the treehouse... (once again...) and (once again) we get an "Oh that's NASTY!" and an"Ughghg! Gonna die!" as they're all gagging... and of course it's hilarious once again. Luckily they have gas masks on hand this time, so... YAY! "Ice-cream-and-fart" ON!
They get to the Haunted Mansion place and Buddy records Carl splainin’ his whole story on his camcorder, but then guess who shows up? WHAT A TWIST! It's their principal, Mr. Ott! It turns out HE'S the one masterminding the whole counterfeiting operation! He explains his entire evil plan not knowing the camcorder to recording in the background, and an altercation ensues that the kids manage to escape from but have to leave the camera behind while Carl gets captured by the bad guys. Principal Ott then calls Timmy on his Cellular Telephone and says he’s got "more than homework assignments to worry about now!" (heyyy-ooh!) and orders the kid to meet him at a golf course to trade "the plates" for for "their friend" Carl… but they decide to do one better. They're gonna screw with the plates to make them unable to print money with. But for some reason they need some help doing it... from an unlikely source.... Hmmm.
Timmy has a hilarious nightmare that night about being old in jail and, finding his teeth have fallen out in the slop bucket, unleashes a truly blood-curdling scream under his Santa beard (it's legit hilarious out of context, trust me). That morning, he decides they need to go "grovel with the girls" if they're going to get this plan into action to rescue Carl and stop all the counterfeitin'!... because the girls have "software" or something. So the girls, being evil little bitches (as ALL girls are, amirite?), draw up a thousand-page contact as a set of conditions to helping the boys out, including a clause about giving up their treehouse on Friday nights so the girls can use it (why they'd want that fartitorium, I don't know). There is one other stipulation whispered in Timmy's ear, which causes him to exclaim, "What? In front of the whole school??" But because they're dumb boys being outsmarted by the girls and their evil minds, they sign it and the girls rubber stamp it. So the girls help them with some computer skills to cause the plates to print obviously non-passable money. How, I'm not quite sure, but whatever. Before the plan can be put into action, it turns out Timmy’s got to go to his aunt’s "5th or 6th wedding"...? but luckily it's right next door to the golf course where they’re making the exchange! ("Lucky coincidence!" -Wilford the Dog) He gets there, but escapes the ceremony using a bathroom break excuse and switches with Buddy at the wedding. Not even his own dad notices he's gone.
The next day at school, it's the day of the big report presentations. Stevie is in the middle of giving his presentation of having tried to "clone sheep in the bathtub" ... to which he adds, "And I don’t recommend it because cloning sheep can be kind of stinky... and messy" (pointing to some very disturbing-looking fluid in a test tube.) We don't see Buddy's "current event" presentation but knowing the depth of his characterization, he probably just farts or something. So okay, now it’s Timmy’s turn to do his, and uh… well, he explains what happened and the teacher basically gives the entire plot of the movie an F (seems about right). This ensures summer school awaits our poor, idiotic protagonist… but then! The cops bring Carl to his school so Carl can be his “Current Event” report! YAY!!! Principal Ott tries to escape when he sees this but gets captured and put in handcuffs just as the whole school gathers outside to celebrate his incarceration. The cops give Timmy the reward money for bringing in Carl (50 G's!!!), even though Carl is technically a free man now… and the girl finally gets her part of the deal… coming up and kissing Timmy on the cheek in front of the whole school... (The horror!!!). Apparently she wanted that? Now I have second thoughts about her intelligence! All is well and good, but alas, it's revealed that night that "Potato" takes the 50,000 dollar check and buries it in the backyard... Oh well. The End.
So what can we take away from all this? Did this movie prove that what passes as moth-brained idiocy can actually in the end really be taken as innocently heartfelt and ... (pun-intended) ..."earnest?" Maybe that empathy for people as individuals (and not mere collections of stereotypes) can bridge any divide between people? Maybe that all humans need are second chances? That perhaps... the outward appearances, behaviors, and even mistakes that people make in the immaturity of their lives aren't what we should be judging their worth on as people? That we shouldn't be so quick to just write people off just because they do dumb stuff? That people can grow and mature? That human beings... of all stripes... can still have a heart of gold down below even the most crude, mean, silly, or goofball antics? That people are all complex and can always surprise us? Perhaps...
“Dad come back!” Timmy yells. Dad replies: “EHHKCH!”
“Mom you don’t think I’m crazy do you?” he asks his mom as she's tucking him in under a horrific poster in his room displaying a tabloid cover of "World’s Biggest Baby." Yeeek.... maybe you are kid! You're definitely not normal!
Then we learn that those crooked cops who were chasing Carl were trying to get those very same counterfeiting money pressing “plates," and now the two of them, along with a shadowy "boss" figure, are going full-Darth Vader mode to find Carl and "those plates!"
Despite all this stupidity, they learn about the counterfeiting plot the guy was just trying to stall, and how he's being used as the scapegoat by his old "crooked cop" bosses. So... while Buddy tickle tortures ole' Earnest in a... very unpleasant scene ... the other two goofballs for some reason go to the Haunted Mansion where they had just learned Carl had stolen the money pressing plates from (and almost get busted by the thugs in the process). Meanwhile Buddy’s gone full Misery on this poor felon, trying to get Carl to piss himself by pouring water into a jug repeatedly and regaling the mofo with “Tales from the Urinal... By I. P. Standing!"
This is when Carl busts out of his stockade and gives Buddy a good ole' Atomic Wedgie for revenge... the waist band ALL the way over the head!! Then he picks the kid up and hangs him on the wall by his pants (Owwwee! An Atomic Wedgie with a Dangling Wedgie mixed in... nice technique... this guy could be a contender in the Wedgie Olympics).
I'll give that wedgie a 9.5... nice form, fluid motion, and sticks the landing!
So, this supreme Atomic Dangling Wedgie torture forces Buddy to reveal that the "plates" Carl is looking for are in Timmy's room. Carl distracts the dog with hot dogs and makes it into the house… to take a leak (poor guy)... destroys Timmy’s room looking for the plates... and then.... I don't know... chases off this military-like lawn care guy by... dressing in drag?? (Honestly, it's a scene too dumb for words...)
The two goon squad dipshits come back to the treehouse to discover Buddy strung up by his underwear and learn that Carl escaped and is trapped up in Timmy's Bedroom (now that his parents are home). So the boys put their heads together and stage an oil leak on the car to get Dad out, and then Timmy gets to cop a feel on his hot mom by hugging her so that Carl can escape out the back behind her (dressed in drag of course). It's "hide-the-thing-from-the-parents" shenanigans!! For some reason he ends up back up in the treehouse and back in the stockade.
Okay, so NOW this movie is so far off the rails it's an airplane... And yet we plow on... After the sludge-making montage and the (second) fart joke, now's a great time to immediately shift tone to one of those slow "emotional" scenes with the sad music as Carl tells a sad story of why he quit being a "hero fireman" when it got too hard for him to handle, eventually finding his way into counterfeiting with these crooked cops, a hustle so sweet, let me tell ya boys... "the women are so big..." He says he was eventually busted by his crooked cop friends (big brain guy here, right?), so he broke out of jail to steal back the counterfeiting plates and try to end their whole illegal operation for good, which is why they're out for him. So yeah, ole' Carl's actually a good guy at heart and he was framed! Where have we seen this before, Bushwhacked? So now that they've all bonded over dumping snot upon girls and farting, they all vow to help Carl defeat these “bad guys" and help clear his name... but more awesomely... they suit up in their spy gear cut with a fun 90s "cool" montage!
Timmy goes to give back the plates to Team Evil, who have shown up at the golf course, and they make their trade and release Carl to them, only to find out that the plates were tampered with and now print nothing but the face of principal Ott! Team Evil gives chase through the mini golf course, and Stevie takes shots at them with his golf swings! And now these kids have embraced their Three Stooges idiocy in full. Woop-woop-woop! Of course Carl sacrifices himself by getting the bad guys to run after him so the kids can escape... and they do run... right into the wedding cake! Woompf! Annnnnd.... Down Goes the Bride! Woop-woop-woop! The cops show up to arrest the counterfeiters only to find out these guys are crooked cops, and Carl gets busted with them. Principal Ott speeds off. Fat cop releases Carl from the jail later that night because of the camcorder footage of him the police found at the Haunted Mansion, and offers him a plea bargain to testify against his former dirty-cop bosses.
But then again, if this was made just to make what could actually be the ultimate "boy movie"...and it actually worked, then... never mind.
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