Sometimes you'll come across something that you know used to be just a fact of life but now seems like a remnant from another world. All of the following are 90s facts of life that are no more, officially, for better or worse.
Fuzzy toilets. (Trigger warning! People who were traumatized by
Look Who's Talking may need to skip this) Remember how toilets used to be fuzzy? At some point they were all shaved, which was probably for the best, seeing as toilet rugs' only purpose was to get wet and soiled. Especially between me and my brother! Our war on toilets saw no end and many deaths! I mean, what was the point of putting the plush "carpet" on the toilet lid? Just in case you want to be comfortable while you're sitting there getting a splinter taken out or a Bandaid put on? And then how are you supposed to use the shelf in back if it's all fluffed out? At least they could've put the plush carpet on the toilet SEAT... you know, just for comfort, but no. That would've made too much sense. Present status: non-existent.
Satellite-dish chairs? (Or whatever they were called.) How about these sliding, two-piece, kiddie Venus fly traps? So inviting, but when you try to climb in, the whole thing shifts and dumps you out. But if you do succeed at scaling in, holding onto the rim without pinching your fingers as the thing shifts violently beneath your weight, you'll probably end up falling into its pillowy bowl center, never to be seen again. But, at least it was great to be able to trap siblings underneath and then go and sit on top. And then once you were in, this thing was your throne. If you did succeed at getting into it, you're probably still there as you read this. Just stay absolutely still... it can't know you're sitting in it if you don't move! Present status: non-existent.
Fake plants a la mode! As long as they're not real. I enjoy plants. I enjoy the free oxygen. I even had a pet cactus as a kid. It died because I over-watered it. What I don't enjoy about plants? Treating them as though they were living things. I loved the rain forest as a kid, and fake plants were a way to bring the biome... home, although almost exclusively reduced to the "palm tree and fern" variety. Remember the coconut fibers or wood chips they used to be potted in? I must have stole a hundred of them from the doctor's office. Present status: everywhere dead malls can be found... or forever existing in a landfill somewhere. What's the difference anyways. I mean,
"you got plants in this building... you pick them because they look good... but these are aggressive living things and they will defend themselves... violently if necessary." --Dr. Ellie Sattler, Paleobotanist
"Entertainment centers" that looked like something out of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Knobs and blinking lights everywhere. I seriously think HAL 9000 was just a JVC VHS sitting on top of a silver stereo. Want to have some 90s kid fun? Press random buttons, and see what happens! I suppose that was the 80-90s equivalent of the Ipad. Want to watch a movie? Well, you gotta get a scientist or tech support to figure it all out, all for the tape to jam, the tracking to be off, or for it to be on the wrong channel anyways. "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that." Besides, the old VCR ports didn't play cookies all that good. Present status: non-existent.
Torch floor lamps, or just... floor lamps in general. Present status: confined to therapy waiting rooms. I would know. Moving on.
Wood-paneled ceiling fans. They were literally in every house. Now they just look scary-looking. They looked like mosquitoes or giant spiders just perched up on the ceiling. They never actually cooled the room down, but they certainly confused people about just what string to pull to get the lights and/or the fan. They made nap time entertaining at my babysitter's place. Present status: quarantined to mobile homes and your aunt's house.
Right now there is a plot to cover up the very existence of
indoor wicker furniture. Present status: "never existed, your memories are false! --CIA"
And John Hughes movies.
Enough said.
Torch floor lamps, or just... floor lamps in general. Present status: confined to therapy waiting rooms. I would know. Moving on.
Wood-paneled ceiling fans. They were literally in every house. Now they just look scary-looking. They looked like mosquitoes or giant spiders just perched up on the ceiling. They never actually cooled the room down, but they certainly confused people about just what string to pull to get the lights and/or the fan. They made nap time entertaining at my babysitter's place. Present status: quarantined to mobile homes and your aunt's house.
