Jurassic Park Crunch

I know it's taboo to do two dinosaur-related posts in a row, but in honor of the fact that one of my all-time favorite movies is being re-released to theaters in 3D, I decided to do something Jurassic Park related. Speaking of which, does anyone realize that it has been 20 years since the first Jurassic Park came out? My mind!

In any case, my dreams had finally come true in 1996 when they finally, finally! announced that Jurassic Park was finally getting a sequel. I had spent the three years previous in complete and utter dino-mode, showing much adoration for anything JP related, or even just dino-related. I had virtually grown up on Jurassic Park games, books, school supplies, bed sheets, toys... you name it, and waited day and night in anticipation for a sequel. 

By the time good old "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" came out, I had grown a few more braincells and could appreciate it in a different way. The trailers really amped up all anticipation with scenes of giant steggies crossing a river and hunters bagging dinosaurs down in jeeps, and even the title "Lost World" made it seem like it was going to be even more epic than the first. And in many ways it was. Whereas I remember being 6 and utterly enjoying the first Jurassic Park (not even being scared), I was about 10 when The Lost World came out, and I was on the edge of my seat. Up until then, it was probably the most intense thrill ride of a movie I had ever been on. Even then I knew the premise was dumb and how incredibly ludicrous the ending was, but hey, at least the anticipation got me and my brother begging for its cereal. 

That's right, The Lost World had its own cereal, called Jurassic Park Crunch, from General Mills, and I desperately think they should bring it back, whether or not they ever decide to release Jurassic Park 4 from the top secret military vaults (or wherever they're hiding it). It was one of those things that I only barely remembered until I searched for it. The stuff actually did exist and indeed wasn't just some fantastic dream I had once or something. I remember there being marshmallow dinosaur eggs that dissolved in the milk and "hatched" dinosaur shapes or something like that. Unfortunately I didn't know it was a limited-time thing at the time, or else I probably would've bought the store out of it!

Luckily, I can always turn to Mr. Breakfast to refresh my memory about all things cereal related, and he says that as far as Jurassic Park Crunch is concerned: "The marshmallows came in "prehistoric marshmallow shapes" comprised of 3 dinosaurs and a dinosaur egg." Thanks to the magic of the internet, I also have pictures of what those 'prehistoric' "sweetened whole grain oat and marshmallow" pieces I had once shoveled into my mouth actually looked like. The catnip oat pieces were shaped like little footprints. The marshmallows were a pink triceratops, a striped raptor-looking dino, an egg, and a green T-rex-looking dino. 

The box also reveals that "If you hear this box roar, you could win a Lost World Adventure!" I had totally forgotten about that, but it's probably because ours didn't. I guess it meant you'd get to cut in line at the Universal Studios Jurassic Park ride or something. In any case, they should definitely bring this back, even if it's just for the Jurassic Park 3D re-release. The boxes alone are going for 15 bucks on ebay!

Jurassic Park Cars

Since I've been shopping around for a better car, I've of course been checking out the specs on the cars from Jurassic Park. I was never really into cars, but if you asked the 8yo Me what my favorite car was, I probably would've said "the Jurassic Park car", and since there were two great cars in Jurassic Park, let's see how they stack up.

They see me rollin'...

By "Jurassic Park car," I probably meant "the one with the no doors." They were just so cool and rugged, and door-less, and could purr away through the mud and ferns quite nicely when outrunning a T-Rex. They were actually Jeep Wranglers, and yes some of them had little doors, but any car that was rugged and could outrun a T-Rex would've had me sold, and I'm apparently not the only one. It seems that turning your Jeep Wrangler into a JP Jeep, with decals and all, is an official hobby, and there's even a fan club about it. "What dinosaurs does it outrun? Perfect, let's sign the papers!

It was the other JP car though that made the better toy... that being the tour cars that drove themselves. "Look it! A ghost! Ahh!" These turned out to be Ford Explorers, and boy did they shine up pretty in the movie with that yellow-green fade and the red "Dino" paint on the hood. Plus they had that awesome sun roof that was just like one big window. They also had the miracle of "INTERACTIVE CD-ROM! Just touch the right part of the screen and it talks about whatever you want!" Join the future... these were the original touch-screen "smart cars!"  Unfortunately it didn't hold up against the T-Rex very well, but it was a damn tough nut to crack! People also deck out their Ford Explorers to look like the Jurassic Park tour car too.

The reason I said that the tour car was a better toy was because they merchandised it (like anything they could slap a JP logo on). The toy came with a cool rocket launcher on the back and a front section that could pop off.. (No mom, I didn't break it, that's "Dino Damage!"). It was called the Jurassic Park Jungle Explorer set, and I definitely wanted it, just like I wanted anything with a JP logo, but I never got it. You can find it though at this really cool collector's site JPtoys.com, where I also quickly learned how much money these things were, and why "spare no expense!" didn't work on my parents.  

Doyouthinkhesaurus

Timmy was dork.

Like most 90's kids, I've spent a good third of my life thinking about Jurassic Park--learning only from years of a slow and painful maturation that there's more to it than all those awesome big-screen dinosaurs wreaking serious havoc. In fact, it's about people too. But until today, one aspect of the people side has always eluded me. I had a moment of intense "ohhhhh!!" today, because I finally got the Doyouthinkhesaurus joke.

The scene goes like this (and trust me, I have the film memorized, so I know): 

Timmy: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Dr. Grant: ... I don't know, what do you call a blind dinosaur?
Timmy: Doyouthinkhesaurus? What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Dr. Grant: You got me.
Timmy: Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex!

For the record, it wasn't the "Rex" part, and no, I didn't think it was an actual dinosaur name!

Dinosaur Underpants

Just about everything I touched as I crawled into bed from 1994 to 96 was Jurassic Park related: from the bed sheets to my socks, my pillow cases and pajamas, and yes, even my underwear. They had dinosaurs, big "Caution" signs, and random shapes. I remember these bedsheets well. I remember learning how to spell "caution" by reading the words on this. At first I thought it said "cussion," which is gibberish, but to a kid like me still looked pretty badass in that stencil font. I friggin' loved these sheets.

But what's the big fascination with matching outfits and bedsheets as a kid, and what's more, underwear too? Who's cares about that? Don't those "DANGER!" signs take on a whole new meaning when you're wearing them down below? And I shouldn't have to tell you where the "Keep Out!" was. (I really hope I'm just joking about this, I don't remember that much detail.)

It's because they're the "underwear that's fun to wear." They're what you wear when you're seven years old and don't give a damn about dignity, you just want to be covered, head to toe, in Raptors and T-Rexes as you snuggle up between sheets of Raptors and T-Rexes. I had no idea that the bedsheets, pajamas, and underwear I had as a kid would eventually be termed "vintage" on Ebay, but now it makes me feel like the dinosaur.

"Naturally you might have dinosaurs on your...on your dinosaur bedspread?" 

Facing the T-Rex

A three hour tour.

Don't let anyone kid you, males of the species do have thoughtful and emotional depth, we just more often than not choose to ignore it, and it's for our own good usually. It's better that way because most of the time we guys tend to screw things up whenever we start thinking we're on to something "deep," and besides, females don't want that from us anyways (no matter what they say... search your feelings girls, you know it to be true!). BUTT... when our emotions do come out, they do so in the strangest of places, particularly when you're seven-years-old and your already-favoritist movie has landed on the big screen, finally, after three months of commercials and previews (a lifetime in kid years). It was a clear summer night in June of 1993 and me and my brother were out for whatever reason with mom and dad, begging them to let us into a little monster-movie-at-heart known as Jurassic Park.

I tell you this because I have proof, but more importantly because it won't make me look any worse in front of the half of you who share a Y chromosome (because I already conceded that I'm a dork). Now I know lots of guys across the ages (comedians) have testified on behalf of our half in saying that "nothing much goes on in our heads," and while it's probably true for those ones who perpetuate this, I'm going to put my foot down and say that it's not true of the vast majority. In fact, a lot does go on in our heads when we're watching movies like Jurassic Park on the big screen... things like: "oh man that's so awesome," or "holy shit I want one," or just "oh man is she hot, I want one." See? That's not nothing! That's the 8yo brain firing back on... the brain we love the most, the brain we have the most fun with... the brain that gets us LAID (yeah, sure)... which I think it has to if you're actually sitting down to a movie like Jurassic Park. Yeah yeah "playing God." Yeah yeah "morals." Yeah yeah "deep stuff..." You want the money shot. You want the T-Rex.

So there we were. We packed in the movie theater and watched the spectacle unfold as if we were ascending to little kid heaven on the spot. A lush jungle hung before us, full of eye-opening carnage and huge dinosaurs, presided over by Sam Neill, paleontology's answer to Harrison Ford from the decade prior (whatever "paleontology" meant). I wanted to BE this guy. Seriously, how much cooler does it get than to be one of them paleo-tolo-orthodontics, but actually be wearing the Indiana Jones hat and literally running with the gallamim-i? To literally stare down a T-Rex and have the fucking T-REX blink first! He's the gruff muscle of the movie, okay, but who's the brain? Ian Malcolm. Now if you're like me, your body is about 2% muscle and 95% bone marrow, so you're going to need someone to represent you, and they couldn't have gotten a cooler nerd for this part than good ole Goldblum, Ladies Man Extraordinaire (it's part of the name). Only he could do the water drop trick on the hand and actually win the female over by doing that (don't ask how I know). His uh... seduction was uh... all in the ahhh! Strange attractors anyone?

So what do they add to balance out all this bridled (Grant) and unbridled (Malcolm) testosterone but... a girl? Why yes, and a girl who actually knows her shit for once and still managed to put thoughts in my head late at night. The amazing thing is, she's not just there to get hit on. With Grant off with the kids (Timmy pretty much being my avatar in the movie at that point), and Malcolm half dead in the hay, it was really up to the girl to save all the guys. Heck, Timmy is reduced to completely useless quivering while his SISTER (also a girl) literally HACKS into the park to turn the power back on! And so began my lifelong love of all that is "GRL PWR!" Aww yeah. "Suck on that, BOYS!" So everyone has their moment of glory in a way, and it's great that movies finally caught up with real life.

Oh but this is getting too deep, gotta switch back to 8yo me and talk about what I actually liked about this movie growing up...

Me... on dinosaurs.

Jurassic Park cars that drive themselves: "awesome dude, I want one." Taser guns to shoot at raptors: "awesome dude I want one." Helicopter: "oh man that's so awesome." T-Rex car chase: "holy shit this is the best thing I ever seen! I need a change of pants!!" But the T-Rex was too lumbering and mechanical after a while, so that's when we got the raptors. That's when we got those spitty green guys. That's when we got raptor chase scenes! That's when we got cutesy Three Stooges-y slip squeal sound effects when Newman hit the deck down a waterfall! Ha ha. Heck, the only thing missing is a guy on a toilet... no wait! Dang! How do you manage to make a toilet joke into a terrifying death scene (in a movie that's not called Bad Taste)? I don't know, but they done it, and was the 8yo me certainly glad they did! Oh man. But let's take it a step even further. Let's remind our "target audience" here (KIDS!) that dinosaurs do, in fact, poop. "Big piles of shit" too! Gross!.. but more importantly: Hahahaha! 

And so there I was, seven-years-old, totally enjoying it, totally not scared, and totally unable to follow what chain of events lead to this string of awesome, hilarious, and unforgettable scenes. As far as I was concerned the "story" had something to do with a bunch of people going to see an island with a bunch of dinosaurs on it. What did I care how they got there? They had me at "island with dinosaurs on it." If you think too much you RUIN it! So give us walky-talkies, stun guns, and Unix-based OS's. Give us raptor run-ins, big "birds" with teeth (yes, I did learn something), a T-Rex tossing a car off a cliff, and give us at least one guy getting eaten off a toilet, and you've got us hooked. In fact, we'll spend the next year and a half begging for the coloring books, backpacks, pencil cases, video games, and whatever dinosaur cereal box you can find (yes, Jurassic Park Crunch! Bring it back!). "You've patented it, and packaged it, and you DID slap it on my plastic lunch box and now *bang* you're gonna sell it *banng* you're gonna sell it!!" 

And I totally bought it, and happily kept buying it, because what can I say? I loved this stuff. And I mean it. But no matter how silly, simple, and unfettered the male mind may seem, I promise you this, we'll still cover our heads in our blankies at the "scary parts" in the dark theater, and still "love" every minute of it. And those are indeed emotions. 

"Man creates dinosaurs, dinosaurs eat man... 8yo me eats it up."