Blank Check

1994. You'll remember that year as being the time two "rich white boy" movies hit the screens. This is the other one. And while Richie Rich (Macauley Culkin) was busy just inheriting his wealth (ah, the American dream), this one, (uh... the kid from ...Family Ties anyone? Yeah don't look up his post-acting activities... he's "moved beyond that" and good for him!) he was busy just stealing his way to the top (also the American dream), proving that those truly are the only two ways of "making it" in life long before it was common knowledge to anyone who isn't a boomer. 

So, as all we millennials get ready for the inevitable second coming of the Great Recession, let's take a lesson in why the whole American dream of financial independence is the sham we all know it is, taught very well in a little movie from our childhood called Blank Check. First of all, it's actually smarter than you'd think it should be for a Home-AClone movie with heavy Aladdin overtones, with a premise that (on the surface), while far fetched, is at least a bit more thought out for a live-action Disney kids movie. The basic idea being perhaps the most Disney of all: if you can't make it to the top on the back of your own output, simply buy out everyone else's thefts and collect the rent. As such, it's WAAY less insulting than Richie Rich ("if only the rich kids had more friends!!"), although not as "memorably awful" either. This kid was living my dream as a kid, and suffering for it. Welcome to life. 

Now, as a guy who's watched quite a bit of American Greed, I can tell you how this kid went wrong in his fraud scheme. He got greedy. This kid makes the most boomer move any millennial ever has, which means in the eyes of the boomers who made this movie, it's "wrong." But seriously, like most fraud schemes, it's pretty telling that all this kid needed to do to get away with this scheme was start investing to shore up the gains (like anyone who steals a lot of money does)... but unfortunately, like any typical 90s kid, he just goes hog-wild, and it's only by a stroke of luck that he does get away with it. I suppose this same kid would've grown up to be a r/WallStreetBets WIZZARD... but for the time being, back in 1994 or so, he's just the typical "90s flannel, backwards-hat dorkwad"... just like everyone on r/WallStreetBets used to be back in 1994, God bless them. 

The movie opens up on a dark heist that makes you think it’s a Terminator movie... or at least a very, very intense episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? It's the dark of night, and a shadowy man is stealing money from a stash under a sewer grate? Then... HARD CUT to an extreme close up of this kid dork's face dead-eying you and calling you “dad” like he's in a daughter's-first-Tampax commercial. Well, it seems this precocious runt's name is "Preston" and he doesn't want his older butthead big brothers (presumably named "Beevis" and "Butthead" respectively) to open their "business" up in his room. After shoving him around and calling him "penis breath" or "penis minor" or "penis penis" or whatever big brothers call their little brothers, they start holding each other's feet and throwing around the kid's coin jar I mean, "life savings." His dad (the military secretary dickcheese from Independence Day) starts lecturing him about how he "had his own business at his age" polishing cars for 75 bucks a week. (Well, DAD... with stagnant wages since the 70s and the cost of living six times what it was back then...) 

"butt to face..."

Anyways! Dad gives the bros a computer to do their "Hand to Foot" business on (sounds like they got an OnlyFans account)... that’ll “do everything but teach them how to make love to a woman." You guessed it! It's the Mac Performa 600 (otherwise known as "Your Elementary School Computer"). The important thing is this computer has a text-to-speech program that Preston immediately makes say "Damian and Ralph" (his brothers) "sleep BUTT to FACE… BUTT to FACE… BUTT to FACE… BUTT to FACE....” over and over again, to which they reply "who told you?" before the two of them headlock and bend him over BUTT to FACE. They punch him in the shoulder and order him: “DON'T RUB IT! Be a MAN!” Now there's that good ole' Toxic Masculinity just like I remember it! I'm telling Twitter on you! (Seriously though, in the 90, this kid is more like #FailingMasculinity... amirite fellas? Just don't hurt me anymore...)

So his home life sucks, so how does he do with his peers? Well, he's invited to the birthday party of this spoiled ginger kid named Butch from school, but because his dad is such a cheapskate, he only sends him off with a couple bucks. "You can have fun all day on that” dad says. He gets there and this Butch kid looks like the GAP mugged Ronald McDonald's Mini-Me. Every sleeve is its own primary color. At least the birthday is at this theme park called "The Funzone"... but ouch... too bad all fun is strictly BYOB (bring your own bucks), which means Preston is out of luck and all alone riding the cheap kiddy rides. Thus, the poor can never break the cycle of poverty. Instead, they always have to wave from the splash zone of the rich kids as their water slide rains down upon the poor kids' cotton candy! 

Welcome to America!

Over dinner, kid confronts his parents about why they're so cheap when they're not actually poor. It turns out his parents are just boomers. "Save your money son." Easy right? “Well, how can I save money if I don’t have any?” “A penny saved is a penny earned.” But that's when he gets the most Millennial birthday present ever: MONEY. It's a blank check from grandma. Dad writes "11.00" dollars on it with the sage advice: “Now you’ll be surprised how fast 11 dollars will grow with interest.” Naturally, this kid does the millennial thing and fact checks his parents’ BS on the computer only to find out that it would take 342,506 years at a (VERY GOOD) interest rate of 3.45% to grow into a million dollars. At this point he realizes his parents are idiots and he decides he wants to one day have enough money to "buy his own house" and have his brothers "knocked off" ...and "investing in the bank" just ain't gonna do it. 

Nice kicks... Juice.

Meanwhile, we meet this corrupt bank manager named Biderman (who looks like his part was written for Wayne "Newman!" Knight but he was obviously too busy being eaten by a Dilophosaurus in 1993, so instead they seemed to have gotten the... Deitech.com guy? How appropriate...). He has snitched on a few too many corrupt bank investors and now one of them named Quigley (looks like Smith from The Matrix) has come to blackmail Biderman into laundering crime money for him. He tells him “someone” named “Juice” is gonna show up with a blank check tomorrow... just give him the money, send him on his way, and your family doesn't get harmed. Gee, I wonder who will get to him first?

So kid goes in to cash his $11 check in what looks like the Philadelphia train station lobby (that's a bank??) and instead discovers his heterosexuality with this gorgeous bank teller lady named Shay (played by Karen Duffy... who played... uh... another character named "Shay" in Dumb and Dumber the same year... thank you IMDb!) who asks him if he’d "like to make a deposit" (damn girl... I think I might!). But he can’t open an account without a 200 dollar deposit, so she sends him off, but just as he’s leaving, Butch comes out of nowhere and steals his 11 dollar check. He gives chase on bike and ends up almost backed over by none other than Quigley who's also leaving the bank. The guy does what every rich asshole who knows he’s at fault for the accident does and offers the kid a check for the damage just so he doesn’t have to see his insurance go up. He signs a check to the kid but the presence of a police car makes him flee the scene, so now the kid has a "blank check" from this guy too... one that has a lot more money behind it than grandma ever will.

The bike is still ruined though, and his parents tell him it's his fault for "not taking care of it." They’re not up for giving him a new bike now, but it’s not a bike this kid’s after. Like most millennials, he wants "his own house, his own money"... and his own shit, all gangster and squinty… but his parents make it impossible for him. “You’re grounded!”

THAT is the millennial experience. 

Unlike most millennials though… this one has a blank check. He uses the computer to create a fake check from the blank check for 1 million dollars, made out to “Cash.” Technically legal (as far as I know) as long as there’s money behind it, which to his surprise… there is! And so, just like his parents, Preston learns that the only way to really make money in the world is to cheat and get absurdly lucky… which he doesn’t, because instead of getting the boner-fide hot chick teller the next day at the bank like he wanted, he gets the shriveled up, hunched over Barbara Bush-looking old crone where all boners go to die. She doesn’t believe that he’s got a real check but still takes him to the bank manager anyways to see about cashing this cool "$1,000,000." Biderman thinks this kid coming in to collect a million smackers with the Quigley check is the “Juice” the guy was talking about, to which the kid replies, “No thanks, not thirsty.”  

Either way, the kid ends up walking out of there with a million dollars. How he does it, he can't even fathom. But while he's leaving, the actual Juice (played by rapper Tone Loc... in a role that was obviously written for Ice Cube... but once again, he was probably busy in the mid-90s doing something called Friday or something) shows up looking to collect for Quigley, and now the hunt is on for the kid who already walked away with it! Quigley finds out and utters the most boomer thing any boomer ever said: “I worked hard to steal that money Biderman! And you gave it to some zit-faced little kid??” "I don't know, he seemed to have nice skin to me..." he says. All three of them know what the kid looks like, they just don’t know who he is or where he is, and because it’s the 90s, they can’t just look for big purchases in town… speaking of which…

Before the day is over, the kid is already buying this freakin’ CASTLE utilizing some Kevin McCalister computer voice shiz to put a cash offer on it by phone. His mom interrupts to say she’ll be home by “3” and as a result, he ends up outbidding the competition over the phone (none other than Quigley himself), so he spends 300g's and buys the house before they even know his name (this WAS before the housing crisis after all). They ask what his name is and he frantically looks around… so he makes the computer read: “My. Name. Is. Mac. In. Tosh.”  (Certainly sounds like it!) And so, this "Mr. Macintosh" now owns a castle, and the kid makes it rain on his bed and rolls around in the stacks-on-stacks-on-stacks...

Anyway, while Preston is checking out his new CASTLE digs he meets his new limo driver chauffer he ordered with his money, a guy named Henry (a guy who's part was obviously written for John Candy or even Chris Farley... but ... well you know). He's a loveable oaf, a funny-man with jokes tailor-made for a 10-year-old boy who forms a quick bond with the kid Uncle-Buck-style, and seems to follow him around on his shopping spree in town. 

So what follows is the obligatory “Money (That's What I Want)” song montage where the kid goes on a shopping spree with his limo driver… including changing room fashion show makeovers, big wall-o-Circuit-City-TVs, VR headsets, massage chairs, NERF and Super Soaker guns, Tennis courts, basketball courts, roller blades IN the shopping mall, and garbage barrels full of ice cream and whipped cream mountains, with life-in-the-fast-lane head-out-the-sunroof-of-the-limo-while-eating-Haagen-Dazs-in-oversized-hillarious-sunglasses hijinks… etc. Henry asks the sensible question of why “Mr. Macintosh” is spending all this money on a kid, and Preston replies that “his boss” (Mr. Macintosh) is really rich but never had a childhood, so now he’s having the childhood his rich "boss" never got to have. Insert your Michael Jackson joke here. 

He sees Shay jogging on the side of the road, so he stops his limo to talk to her and says he’s ready to open his account at the bank because he's working for a rich guy named "Mr. Macintosh." Like any good bank employee, she tells him to come on down and open that account!! “Nice kid, real nice…” Henry replies and they drive off. Well, it turns out she's not a bank employee at all. In fact, she’s only out running to relay info to her fellow FBI field agents who are out on the stakeout looking for Quigley and his cronies. And even though she shirks this suddenly-rich kid off for now, soon she’ll discover a lot of cash is also "suddenly" going through the bank marked by the FBI from all these purchases under that very same suspicious name “Macintosh.”  Hmmm…

Next we join the kid on move-in day as the Sharper Image, Coca-Cola, and a water slide company (among many, many others) are setting up this kid's (and EVERY 90's kid's) personal XANADU at the neighborhood castle. This is where his dad learns about his son’s new “job” working for “Macintosh” in this rich castle, and is skeptical at first, but can’t argue with results! And what follows is the obligatory “I Want Candy” montage of the kid having fun in his own 90s kid Shangri-La… including his own outdoor backyard go-kart track, bouncing castle, Velcro wall (like something out of Wild and Crazy Kids), trampoline with bungee chord lift, full video arcade in his living room, and swimming pool, all book-ended with the equally obligatory "feet-up-on-the-office-desk" pose. He’s playing his video games with his limo driver buddy Henry and being fitted for fancy clothes, sliding down his water slide, and having drinks delivered to him on RC speedboats in his big pink car pool float in the middle of his below ground swimming pool like he's Tony Montana. Basically, he’s living. And best of all, when Butch shows up, just like Tony Montana, he has his paid security throw the kid out. 

But when Shay comes by looking for “Mr. Macintosh”… of course it's... okay, you... you can stay. He couldn’t make it to the bank to “open his account” because he "had to work," he says from the middle of his swimming pool. But he gives her a check for 200 dollars to open an account after retreiving it from the house and sliding down his water slide from his office right into his pool. “Looks like you fell into some money...” she says. She knows something’s going on. She tries to set up a meeting with this “Mr. Macintosh” but of course "he’s busy"… "but I'm not..." he says. 

So he sends his driver out to pick her up later that night and she agrees to do it. “Okay, it’s a date then,” she says. “A… date??” But he’s never been on one of those! So he gets advice from Henry. And Henry's advice is the advice of every dad who ever lived: “Women love a good body… women love all you can eat salad bar… women love a pocket full of hot wings… women love the word non-committal…”  (Damnit, I knew I was doing something wrong!) So what follows is another montage of Preston and Henry fighting in a backyard blow up boxing ring, I guess in an effort to "get him chiseled" for the date, but also flipping around in a backyard gyroscope ride, lawn bowling in a giant ball, playing backyard sumo wrestling with comically fat blow-up suits…etc.  Oh-right!

But apparently all this time “working for Mr. Macintosh” is making Boomer Dad mad, so he grounds his son. Preston replies, “but it’s my job!” Dad replies, “Your job is to be grounded!” (Oh hamburgers...) But Preston does a very Trumpian thing by bribing his dad out of his own grounded-ness by promising to show "Mr. Macintosh" his dad’s investment prospectus for pointers on how to get the most out of investing. Naturally this works. So our boy Preston has a hot date and needs to get to the fancy restaurant to go meet up with his fine fully grown adult girlfriend with a.... VERY low-cut dress....

....And here we go. We’ve seen this before…  young boy puts the moves on grown-ass adult woman… and somehow wins her over! Well... we KNOW she’s just on a "fact-finding mission" about this “Mr. Macintosh”… and heck, she even turns down the obvious mafia wife hush-present gold heart necklace he bought for her (and no woman does that), but come on... This movie is setting this up as a romance plot. She's like, “It’s way too expensive.” And he's like, “It’s deductible… just a little business gift... it's nothing... Mr. Macintosh has a million dollars.” 

Shay: “You know, a million dollars doesn’t get you much these days.” 

Kid: “Do you think he should’ve asked for more?”

Shay: “What does Mr. Macintosh do anyway? Is he an entrepreneur?”  

Kid: “No, he’s American.”

(“Okay, kid checks out…” she's thinking.)

But the two of them really do hit it off. He learns she’s not married and that he’s probably the "shortest guy she’s ever dated," before ditching the fancy place (in Three Stooges style slapstick scene) for hamburgers at the mall’s fountain park where the two “love birds” have their little Groundhog Day style “fun date” in the water jets. And yesh.... it’s all totally natural looking and not the slightest bit weird seeing this kid and this grown-ass woman having a slowmo "fun date" together arm in arm and getting soaked as the music swells emotionally. Unfortunately, this "every young boy's WET dream come true" is tragically cut short for him (like most wet dreams are) by the sudden appearance of Quigley and his goons who show up to apprehend him, but the presence of the water jets and his quick limo getaway cut them off. On the ride over, he invites her to his Mr. Macintosh’s "birthday party" the next day, and like "Guy of the Year" tells her "bubbye!" as she's getting out of the limo. Smooth kid.

So it’s the day of the big party and we learn that his brothers are now also working for "Mr. Macintosh" (but we know it’s really Preston just making his brothers slave for him at his personal batting cages). His hired party planner (this woman named Yvonne I think) is prepared to make "Mr. Macintosh’s" birthday the Project X of the year and get the whole town out to see this mysterious rich "Macintosh" man in the flesh… but we kind of get the idea that Preston is tired of being second fiddle to a guy who doesn’t exist. His only real friend is Henry the chauffer guy and even he’s getting lied to anyways. It’s basically the plot of Aladdin at this point. 

He goes to the park to go make some friends like a normal kid for a second, but ends up getting chased by the bad guys who spot him out and about. He evades them once again in an overly elaborate chase scene involving them crashing their car and the most obvious line of the entire movie, delivered by Biderman: “Wouldn’t it just be easier to steal another million dollars?” Um YEAH! Though the kid escapes unscathed, the evil trio picks up Butch at the park and the kid sings like a canary on who and where Preston is and joins them in their quest.

Preston gets back to the party to hear from his big bros that Shay might just be a “golddigger” (because obviously they are right and yes, she would be) … so the seed of doubt is planted in his little head. That night he asks Henry before the party if she might be a “golddigger” … and the lovable oaf gives the kid very wise advice that Trump obviously never got: “Anyone who is your friend because you have money is not your friend at all”  and “A fool and his gold are soon parted.” But then... Henry gives him some more sage "dad" advice all the more Seinfeldian, and I quote: 

Henry: “A fool and his gold is soon parted." 

Kid: "What's that mean?"

Henry: "It’s one of those old sayings man, I don’t get ‘em… like, you ever hear there’s more than one way to skin a cat? You ever hear that one? What does that mean? I mean... who skins cats? And there’s not more than one way to skin a cat...  there's one way... you skin the cat. You grab the cat, and rip its fur off. I mean, think about it. What’s the number two way to skin a cat? What? Do you put a hose up the cat’s butt and he gets so bloated that he skins himself? What? Does he have a little piece of Velcro under his butt there and you just un-velcro him? No. ... Kill two birds with one stone… how does that happen? You can’t kill one bird with one stone… kids try it all the time. It can't be done. Not unless you got a big stone and they’re little tiny baby birds… then you can brhhchch! Cheep! Cheep! Dead.”

Kid's face while receiving that "dad" wisdom.

Kids with dads will know.  "Hahaha! Hose up a cat's butt! Funny one dad! Hahahaha!!"

Anyway, Preston joins the party (full of adults who have been paid by "Mr. Macintosh" and now only want to see this fellow) and suddenly discovers he’s not even welcomed at his own party. After all, he’s not Mr. Macintosh, he’s just “some kid” who works for the man. He goes looking for Shay, but she’s actually off telling her FBI coworkers when to rush the party and capture the elusive Mr. Macintosh. Everyone, including the party organizer lady is looking for Mr. Macintosh, with bills… her’s being 100 grand just for the party alone… and guess what? Computer says he’s out of money! The jig’s up! Better get to South America kid.  It’s all gone. He's back in his office and the million dollars is spent, and the bills are still pouring in. 

Finally his dad shows up looking for Preston, but the kid’s got his office chair turned and his dad mistakes him as Mr. Macintosh being aloof as always. His dad asks Mr. Macintosh to send his boy home for his birthday party with his family, says he’s been working his son too hard and that life isn’t all about money and how he always “pushed Preston too much” and such. “I’m afraid he’s missing out on his childhood” by working so hard....etc. Preston hears every word and feels a grand sense of buyers remorse, and not to mention the weight of the many, many years of bankruptcy and debtors prison that surely awaits all of them over this little stunt. And t’is true… Preston wants to come home, but dad leaves too fast. Heck, even Henry seems to have left the party. Who is at the party but chickipoo looking for Mr. Macintosh as well, like everyone else… but because she’s such a “golddigger” for wearing the necklace he bought her (typical WOMAN!), he shirks her off. The party planner lady shuts down the party and Preston tells all the party guests: “There’s been a terrible mistake…”   

“Close down the bar!” the lady yells, and the party quickly empties out.

Kid slumps back inside his castle all alone ("What have I become... in my empire of dirt...") like Citizen Kane after he loses the election... like Tony Montana on the pile of coke… but gets confronted by the evil trio there who have been closing in the whole time with the help of that son-of-a-Butch. He tells them that there is no "Macintosh" and that it was him all along, and that he spent a million dollars in six days. ("Not that hard to do" Tone Loc says. And he would know.) They decide to steal the identity of "Macintosh" that the kid created and just get rid of the kid, but the kid takes off. 

Screwball!

And now the movie turns into some Home Alone-style shenanigans in the big house for a half minute as he picks them off one by one with his "Richie Rich" gadgets and gizmos. Biderman gets the VR headset over-stimulation. But that's nothing. Tone Loc gets in the batting cage and Preston decides it's time for some "screwballs!"... comandeering the RC ball-shooter baseballs to shoot the "Wild Thing" rapper right in his own screw balls. “OOOH! That musta HURT!” the kid joyfully exclaims. NUTSHOT!

So two down... but the big boss fight is on its way. “Did you think you were going to get away with it kid? Spending someone else’s money?”

No… the kid somehow sumo's Quigley right into the lawn bowling ball thing, locks it, and then pushes it down the track on the front of his go-kart race car, spinning it so fast it flies up and lands smack down in the swimming pool! And all this just in time for Shay and her fellow FBI to show up and capture the baddies. Preston learns that Shay was FBI the whole time and the FBI learns that Quigley is "Macintosh" (or at least, that's what they're told). As a result, Quigley and his cronies are under arrest for "money laundering, fraud, and grand theft" and Preston is off scot free.  

Hey! My badge is down there.

Dad also shows up to claim Preston. But Preston is busy getting.... busy with super-low-cut dress-wearing hot FBI agent Shay. He asks, “So that date, was just for your job?” Shay replies, “Well, it started out like that…BUT..." (yeah folks). She does tell him to get a little older first, so they agree to date again in six years, but not before this grown ass woman kisses this young boy… on the LIPS!

Lucky kid.

Ok, you know what movie? I’m just gonna say what everyone in the audience was thinking at this scene of a full grown hot chick kissing this illegally young boy…  

...

"Niicccce."  

...

Actually, the correct response is "wHAAT??" but South Park has proven that no one really cares as long as she's hot. Anyways, after that possibly illegal scene in a Disney movie (that nobody would ever condemn) she goes home and keeps the necklace he bought for her (of course!). After that, Henry shows back up. He says he went to go get ice cream in a giant trash barrel (okay), but then is the real tear-jerking scene. Henry goes, “If you see Macintosh, tell him I’m really gonna miss working for him…” (he KNOWS the kid was "Macintosh" all along!) “You too Henry…” (the kid KNOWS he KNOWS! Screw Toxic Masculinity... I'm a dude and where's my tissue?!) Then Henry presumably goes home with the barrel of ice cream… which for him I suppose is every night... 

Anyway, Boomer Dad shows up and Preston admits that “Mr. Macintosh wasn’t who he thought he was” and that “he shouldn’t have fooled everybody.” He goes home with dad and meets his family waiting with a surprise birthday cake... even his butthead big brothers for some reason. And over lit birthday candles, like a reverse Willy Wonka in his ear, his dad whispers “be careful what you wish for.” But wouldn’t ya know it, he doesn't know what to wish for because he’s got "everything he wants right there…" Awww...

But on the other hand…

He looks at the sexy picture of Shay from the bank.  And blows out the candle. END. 

So what did we learn in the end? That boomers are idiots who don't get the millennial experience... that to gain the world is to lose your soul... that the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor (unless the poor get extremely, absurdly LUCKY...) ... and that furthermore, full grown hot chicks really will go after literally any guy who has money for as long as he has money... no matter how criminal or, in this case... how underage they are.

Some guys just have all the luck! 

The Mighty Ducks

I remember one time lining up in elementary school to wait for the busses and the topic of what we were gonna do after school came up among us little dudes. The consensus was that a few of them were getting together over so-and-so's house to watch The Mighty Ducks, and yes, I was actually invited. Twas a different time. So different in fact, that now the kid who played the Young Gordan in the movie (Brock Pierce) is not only a Bitcoin billionaire, but also running for president this year. What's his political experience you ask? Well, he did star in First Kid, with Sinbad (and I'm telling you, if he made Sinbad his running mate... I'd vote). Not to mention other cast members who went on to futures maybe not as wealthy but still noteworthy, and with talk of a Mighty Ducks show in the works... all of this reminded me. Oh yeah. Mighty Ducks was a thing.

Let's talk about a movie that you never hear talked about despite the fact that it was actually quite big when I was a kid, because what the hell else can we do this year? The Mighty Ducks... or as us 90s kids referred to it, "Mighty Dicks" or "Mighty Fucks" or "Mighty Sucks"... (It's not that "hard" of a joke... I mean, they do call it "peewee" hockey, so what do they expect?). Unclever 90s kid humor aside, you really can’t get a more by-the-numbers sports movie than this. They literally spoofed it in South Park a number of times, especially with the "...but he's about to fund out...!" trailer voice. Famously enjoyed by internet meme Tourette's Guy between taking a leak, it's basically Bad News Bears with far more hockey and far less raunch. So nothing huge. If anything, what is amazing is just how many sports movie clichés this thing squeezes in!

Now I had my own experience with hockey in my day. Yep. You see, as I'm sure I've told the story before... one time in gym class, eh... about the 4-5th grade... we were playing floor hockey and I happened to be the goalie, because they certainly didn't want scrawny me out there on the floor! All was going good, I was doing pretty good. Then just as the game was counting down, the last seconds on the clock... they slammed a puck at me so fast, I just put my thighs together like a bolt cutter. Oh I blocked the goal alright... with my CROTCH! No cup. Everyone froze. The other kids said they saw the puck freeze in that spot and then drop to the floor. They burst into laughter. And amazingly, I... didn't get hurt... To this day I don't know why it didn't destroy me, but I became a legend that day. The other guys were like "wow dude. That hung there for like a half second and dropped!" It's true too. I had the groin of steel. (Unfortunately for me, and my groin, it was a one time thing...) Don't try that at home kids... (unless your brother deserves it.)

So I learned a thing or two about hockey in my day, and the importance of wearing cups, but this movie teaches an even more obvious lesson in the importance of picking the right team, a team that supports you over a team that tears you down. And since everyone these days loves to divide up into teams and go to war, well hey, it's probably time we take a lesson from a sports movie... a sports movie that opens with music right out of a softcore porno, with smooth jazz interludes throughout. Despite being a narrative beat of every feel good sports movie in existence, this movie's also got some smooth-ass cool jivin' B E A T S. And Danny Tamberelli. Hell yeah, they got Young Pete. 

Brock Pierce 2020

We open on our would-be president, young Gordon Bombay (Brock Pierce 2020), missing the final penalty shot of his local playoffs sometime back in the 70s or 80s, costing the game, the season, and becoming the forever disappointment of the town and his evil coach who only cares about winning. And all because he failed that one time, he grows up to become a pretty good lawyer. It's Everylawyer's story really. As a boy, if you failed at sports, you probably beome a lawyer... or an accountant. Your life was over. Trust me. So then we join older Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez). He's a hotshot lawyer who wins at everything except life... kind of like a reverse Tom Cruise from A Few Good Men. He gets caught drunk driving one night and shows up in court... the judge (who knows him from being a lawyer) is like "I assume you're representing yourself." (8-year-old me's mind *blown*. Wow, just like doctors must be their own doctors... lawyers must be their own lawyers!)

For reasons no kid will understand though, he gets "released on his own recognizance" (I still don’t know what it means). But being a lawyer, he's like, “they have no case!” (against him driving under the influence with an open container). But instead of fighting it, he takes a plea bargain(?) I guess(??) and is sentenced to community service and revocation of his drivers license. Suddenly he's forced to coach youth hockey because somehow community service means coaching jobs, and apparently they’ll give coaching jobs to just any guy with a DUI in the 90s… (oh how times haven't changed). His boss Mr. "Ducksworth" (Josef Somer, who played the scientist in D.A.R.Y.L.) doesn't fire him, and he gets a driver provided by the court. Man this guy gets off easy! But then… I guess the team he’ll be coaching is the "real punishment," amiright? 

They're called “District 5.” They’re your typical snot-nosed little shit 90s goon squad, backwards-hat brigade, obsessed with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, and “your mom” jokes. There's of course Fat Kid ("Goldburg"), who is afraid of getting hit with pucks (so of course he's the goalie)... Dork Kid (Les Averman), who spouts what are supposed to be hil-laaarious one-liners but are usually just garbled cringey nonsense... Perv Kid (Peter), who is the "Mouth" of the group... Girl Kid ("Connie," I think?), who is a girl... Shy Kid who they call "Spaz" ("Charlie") (played by Jake Gyllenhaal), who is too pure for this world... Misunderstood Punk Kid ("Fulton"), who is exactly what it says on the label... Other Fat Kid ("Dave "Karpster" Karp"), who falls down a lot... Nice Kid ("Terry") (played by Jussie Smollett), brother to Streetwise Kid ("Jesse"), who says "cake-eater" a lot... and Ginger Kid ("Danny Tamberelli"... no wait, ah screw it, it's him), who has a sister who also plays for the team and is a figure skater (uh... not guessing on her name). We meet some of them in the act of doing the good old “dog poop in a abandoned purse” prank on the sidewalk. And we see every part of the plan from them feeding the dog, to following it around waiting for it to give them a good one, to scooping it, to setting the trap with the bait (a dollar bill sticking out)… to the mark finding it and then chasing them down the street all sped up ala something out of A Christmas Story. One nutshot later and Victory is achieved. Profit!!

So basically they're little shits. It's set up like they're bored and directionless, but then we learn that these kids also already play hockey together on a team, but are so lousy they're still just called "District 5" (which is not a 90s boy band but the hockey district they all live in). It seems they just lost their old coach to a heart attack from shouting at them too much. (Not a joke, it's in the movie.) Gordon Bombay meets the kids by having his driver drive his limo(?) out onto the ice they're playing on, just to be badass, and he shows them just how much he cares about his forced community service: “I’m sure this will be a real bonding experience… and maybe one day one of you will even write a book about it in jail!"  (And thus, the movie.)

“Hey, just so you know, you really suck.”  (Ouch! 90s kid smack down). But no, it is the boys who suck. But then, saywahhhht? There’s a girl??  But then Coach Gordon: “if you need anything, fax me.” He gets back in his limo. And there you go. So of course they want a ride in the limo, and all go jump on the roof and climb in, eat donuts off the dash, mess around with the phone, and rip a really ripe SBD in the backseat… immediately... and it's all fun and games until psycho-mom ruins it by overacting... I meant overreacting to the car being on the ice. Party's over. Parents mad. But the really sad thing about it was... now we'll never know who's fart it was.

So okay, that's the Mighties for ya. But what about their inevitable rival team? Well, of course they're a little Cobra Kai military unit. “The Hawks." Evil incarnate, wearing all black, your typical jerks who drop “wuss breath!” and “girls!” (while talking to boys) every other word and of course sport some pretty rockin’ roller blades when they’re not on the ice. And you guessed it, they're the very same team that Coach Gordon once played for as a kid, and you guessed it, they're still coached by none other than Evil Coach himself, the same guy who ruined Gordon's love of hockey! Oh and guess what, Evil Coach "has never forgiven him" for making the peewee team have second place for the only time in its history that year. Woo doggy! That's some baggage to be carrying around for decades! So now it's not just about community service... now it's personal for Coach Gordon. 

But to say they get their asses handed to them in their first tryout game against the Hawks... is to assume they're anything but a bunch of asses. They suck!! Sticks flying... body checks... body slams... face plants into walls, into floors, into each other... exasperated refrains of “They’re killing us out there!” and “You guys stink!” (Well, they’re sweaty hockey players.)  Not to mention some really cringy humor by yours truly, dorkatron dorkus maximus "Averman" (“huummm goaliegoaliegoalie... saa-wing-goalie!”). So, seeing as the team he's coaching is really that bad and is playing up against a team headed by a Coach Evil, Gordon starts teaching them the old lawyer-speak whiplash tactic... to fall down on purpose to cheat. “What do we do?" "Take the fall! Act hurt! Get indignant!”  "Good. You guys are ready." But Shy Kid Charlie’s not having it, and neither are the parents. Now it’s not just personal, but parents’ money for hockey practices is on the line. And oh yeah, German old guy says it’s “not all about winning, it’s about fun.” “Teach them to fly.”

Now Charlie doesn’t want to be on the team if he's just being taught to cheat because he's too pure for this world (despite the dog poop pranks), but apologies are offered when Coach Gordon shows up at Charlie's house. At first the kid eye rolls, probably ready to just crop dust the room and leave... until, that is, he realizes that maybe coach can be New Dad to him and New D to his single mom... setting up an obvious romance plot with Charlie’s mom... and... setting up Coach Gordon for a lifetime of factual and guilt-free "your mom" jokes at Charlie's expense. (Gee, Charlie did you think this through?) In the end, Charlie decides he wants to be on the team and will go to any lengths to get his mom and his coach together. Sweet or weird, you be the judge.

So while Coach Gordan is getting tight with Charlie's whole world, he also gets back tight with the team by utilizing his legal firm to give money to the hockey team to buy them new gear (SWEET!) and enlisting the local figure skating kids to come play hockey with them. It's here they get their "Ducks" name from their sponsor (Gordon's boss, Mr. "Ducksworth"), and it’s also where the kids learn from an old newspaper clipping in the sports store that their coach was a former “Hawk!” Oooh now it’s getting interesting! At practice, Dorkus Dorkatron Averman says “wax on wax off” in a racist accent and gets a stick to the stomach, and Scaredy-Goalie Goldburg gets over his fear of pucks by being subjected to a firing squad of pucks while tied down in a scene that has a least 15 things wrong with it…  it’s funny because it’s child abuse? Actually, it’s probably 10 times worse than what Coach Gordon experienced!

But now there’s also “Misunderstood Punk Kid” (Fulton) who keeps following them around but doesn't join the team. He's out breaking windows with his puck shots. What good will ever come of him? Wait a minute…  he shoots pucks like bullets… and we have a hockey team… 1+1= 2! But he can’t skate. Well… shenanigans ensue when they start teaching him how to skate by having the whole team go joyriding through the mall on roller blades in a montage cut from every single 90’s kid’s fever dream! Splash! Old lady in the mall fountain! 

Now they get their new uniforms. “Ducks? What braindead jerk came up with that name?” To which Gordon inexplicably replies: "I’ll have you know that the duck is the most noble, agile, and intelligent animal of the animal kingdom.” “But they don’t even have teeth!”  “Niether do hockey players.” “Ducks never say die” …etc. (Really, Gordon says that). In reality, it's "Ducks" because Disney’s making this movie and Disney can only draw mice and ducks for cartoons, so they decide on the name “Mighty Ducks” and this wins them over. (A similar thing happened when we got the “bat” badge in my cub scout den.) This gives them a new glut of confidence because sure, District 5 sucked, “but the DUCKS are UNDEFEATED!” (Technically true...)

And so, getting cool equipment and being called “Mighty Ducks” also suddenly makes them much better at hockey, scoring their first goal even, until Other Fat Kid ("David "Karpster" Karp") “takes one for the team” in either his head or his family jewels, it's hard to tell (complete with bird tweeting sounds)… to which Dorkatron Averman does his schtick “Eh Karpster! You-just-hadta-stopda-puck! Eh Mr. Karpelaney!...” (showing just why it should've been him). But  Fulton (“Misunderstood Punk”) turns out to be the ace in the hole, the secret weapon, the real silent but deadly amongst them, for he gets out there and ties the game! Wow! We TIED! 

We also learn that Coach Gordon would not have been a Hawk if he was playing today, since he lived in what is now "Duck territory." But as a result of his legal precision as a lawyer, he also ends up snagging one of the "evil" Hawks kids (a kid named Adam Banks) because technically he too lives within the district boundaries for the Ducks, not the Hawks. The parents and the Evil Coach protest, as do the Ducks themselves, since "evil kids" should stay on "evil hockey teams," and the other kids of the Ducks even overhear Coach Gordon calling his team “losers” out of context in front of the Hawks parents, and NOW it means something to them. They feel like it's because they're not good enough, so that's why Coach Gordon is putting a Hawk on their team. Ducks forfeit a game as a result, and everyone on the team's mad at each other. 

So now they’re in need of a pep-talk, and Charlie’s playing scab. He’s meeting Coach Gordon in a neutral location (a diner where his mom works), and crossing the picket line. Coach is a “Hawk” after all, it’s in his blood. Once a Hawk, always a Hawk! But Charlie thinks otherwise because coach is also New Dad. So Charlie of course says the line most 10-year-old boys say about their own mothers serving them coffee: “You know, she has many fine qualities that most men find attractive.”  Gordon replies, “I know that Charlie, it has not escaped me.” But coach has more on his mind than a forced romantic subplot. He wants to quit being coach because the Ducks don’t respect him, so Charlie runs out in tears because New Dad is walking out of his life... just like Old Dad. Aw.

Cut to science class. Teacher: “Now if the red balls are oxygen, what are the blue balls?” (“hehehe” -Beavis and Butthead in the back of the room.) “Hydrogen!” says Danny Tamberelli. Teacher: “Right, now put them together and you have a molecule that makes up 96% of your body.”  Danny Tamberelli: “Pizza?” (Fact.)

Teacher is called away and the team begins having a fist fight due to all the drama with their coach, and the fact that they're all in the same science class together for some reason. Different factions are forming for and against Coach Gordon... but one thing they all can agree on is that they are "Ducks! Ducks! Ducks!...!" all the way to detention, where they are all forced to write "I will not quack at the principal" Bart Simpson style. 

Cake-eater!

Long story short, "evil" former-Hawk kid ends up having to play for the Ducks anyways, and Evil Coach gets Gordon fired from his law firm job because yeah, apparently his boss WAS going to "fire him over a bunch of ... kids?? And a game??" He doesn’t back down, and he quits by “quacking” his way out of the building. So because he stuck up for them (and gets them out of detention), they decide to all love him again as their coach. And at least one “your mother!” joke later, the team meets evil kid (Adam Banks), the kid from the Hawks, and while Charlie tries to welcome him, he's quickly called a “cake-eater” and Dorkus goes “ooh, the jestman, eh thenewguy, thejester...!” (“Shut up Averman!”) In short, the team rejects evil kid… except Charlie of course, because he’s too pure for this world. 

Now the Ducks are getting arrogant about tying games like true champions. The gameplan? Give the puck to Fulton, with the sage advice: “soft hands, concentration... not strength!” (Because he can slap it but he can’t aim... he only gets "1 out of 5" shots in). So because of Fulton, they win one game, and make the playoffs. (That’s when you KNOW this is Peewee hockey!) Coach Gordon celebrates with the team by taking them to a profesh hockey game where the hockey players (who say "oot" and "aboot" a lot) impress the Ducks by remembering their coach "from peewees," and suddenly Gordon's looking pretty good if he's getting compliments from pros, so who’s the daddy now?  Good times are had to a Randy Newman-ish song.

Speaking of daddy issues… Charlie and New Dad are sitting down to a romantic dinner, to which the boy says: “Did you know, the Northstars last year wore the same underwear all through the playoffs, for luck. I’m doing the same thing.” (...uh... rock on dude.) Somehow this leads to Coach Gordon and Charlie’s mom having a date at the obligatory skating rink in the snowy Christmas park at night ala Groundhog Day, until she’s realizing that her son may be more in love with him than she is. Oh but they kiss. Nevermind. 

So the team goes into the playoffs in a rousing montage of winning streaks (and of course it makes front page news every week). And so of course it’s the final game, and they get down to good Coach Gordon and Mighty Ducks vs. Evil Coach and Evil Hockey Team, the Hawks. In this corner… “Win! Win! Win!” (because winning is everything) and in that corner, “Quack! Quack! Quack!” (because ducks) … but will evil kid Banks sabotage the game?? Does he bleed Hawk? Well, the Hawks score their first goal. Then second. Then third. Then the Hawks conspire to take down their fellow Former-Evil-Kid Banks just because he's playing against them now. They push him just as he scores for the Ducks, and he’s down, injured, out cold. Evil kid #2 even goes “what did you do?” To which Eviler Kid says, in the coldest, shrewdest, most sociopathic voice imaginable for a 10-year-old… “My job.” Oh it still sends shivers down my spine! 

He does get sidelined for the body check, but Evil Coach gives him a "good job." Meanwhile, the Ducks gather around their injured comrade and suddenly decide that, though he be a a Former Hawk and a "cake-eater," he did help them score, so maybe he’s not so bad after all. And now the kid lifts up his arm in a dying final request as the medics are wheeling him out in a stretcher: “Do me a favor… kick some Hawk butt..." He has turned on his old team because they treated him like... well... like a hawk. He will probably die. (No wait, he shows up at the end).

So Misunderstood Kid Fulton scores with his bullet shot. The score's 3-2. Now the plan amongst the Hawks is to take out Fulton. Hawks then score 4-2. Danny Tamberelli's figure skating sister somehow scores a goal with a pirouette. 4-3! A fight breaks out amongst the teams. Misunderstood Fulton gets taken out for fighting, even though it wasn't his fault (it was a misunderstanding!). It’s all over. No secret weapon anymore. But the Ducks hit back with the “Flying V” formation as Old German Dude looks on… and… SCORE! 4-4!! WOOOT! TIE GAME!  23 seconds to go. Just enough time for the Ducks to win… Charlie’s got it…  oh the Hawks take him down with a stick beating… times up! But because of the Hawk's bad play, it'll all come down to a single penalty shot for the game, and Coach Gordon somehow knows Charlie’s the one to do it... because he wants to bang his mom. So will Charlie do what Gordon couldn’t as a kid?? Will history repeat?? … Will Evil Coach finally get egg on his face after all these years?? Slowmo... annnnnnnnnnd... .... YES! ALL NET!!! Last second!! DUCKS WIN!!!  5-4!!!  Music swells! 

Evil Coach egg on face! Gordon redeemed! “Ducks! Ducks! Ducks!...”

And maybe Gordon gets the the girl (but was he even looking for one?) and more importantly, Charlie gets New Dad.

See world, it's not all about winning, it’s about having fun. Because when you are all about having fun, you always seem to win in these movies. But the real winning is the friends we made along the way. Inter-team competition is good, but hatred of the "other team" is something always taught. 

"A team isn't a bunch of kids out to win. A team is something you belong to, something you feel, something you have to earn." 

Just as long as you don't join Team I Don't Like I mean, Team Evil.

And hey Ducks, see you next sequel season!

The Rescuers Down Under

I had previously said in ages past when I did my reviews of "Great Forgotten Kids Films of the 80s and 90s" that I hadn't seen 1990's The Rescuers Down Under since I was a kid, and since the quality of the film is often cited (Nostalgia Critic hath decreed), I decided to have it added to the Netflix a few weeks back to see if I could rediscover the lost glory that is this film. Dare I say, it actually didn't disapoint. What can I say? This is funny as hell: "These are NOT Joanna eggs!!"

I will admit that the story was a little 'slight' (particularly with the mice), but that was true with the first one too, probably only because there isn't enough story here to support a premise this interesting. But the movie is still a riot and a roller coaster from start to finish. In fact, it may be one of my personal favorite Disney films, maybe because I just love everything about this sumptuous idealized Australian outback landscape we get to go joy-riding through, and I know I did when I saw it as a kid too. I mean, just take a gander at this incredible scene which comes hot off the equally-awesome opening credits sequence which I'm sure we all have burned somewhere in the back of our minds just waiting to be rediscovered. Boy did I want to be having these kinds of exciting wildlife adventures:

They don't make 'em like that anymore.