Ring Pops

If it's going to be the last one for the year, it may as well be about Ring Pops. Why Ring Pops? First of all, they were far more beautiful than any jewelry I ever saw, particularly the red ones, and they were sweet! You have to admit, these things even make actual gemstones look sumptuous, and way underdone. Don't even bother showing up with anything less, I mean, just look at the size of those stones! To borrow from Titanic, you'd go straight to the bottom!

On the flip side, the cheap plastic rings supporting those bulbous half-carat jewels (at best) were never made to fit anything bigger than a pinky, and that's if you had a small pinky. If you were ever masochistic enough to get it on your ring finger, chances are it's still there or you still have the scars, especially if you got it past the knuckle. Am I right? I know I'm right.

Secondly, this is the only jewelry a guy can wear without being a grunge-rocker or a goth, and therefore, the only jewelry I'll ever come close to wearing without feeling wrong. Actually, I think I've been accidentally married to a girl for the last 20 years because of one of these things. I think I threw it out 20 years ago... how insensitive of me.

With this ring, I be tooth-decay. See you in 2012!

Home Alone 2

I have never seen the original Home Alone in one sitting. I have seen the whole movie, but not from start to finish. The one I saw a whole lot more often (because we had it taped, and it was of...*ahem* so-called "lesser quality" than the original, and so got played more) was the sequel, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. As far as sequels go though, Home Alone 2 actually isn't bad. In fact, could it actually be better than the first movie? YES. Hear me out people!

I mean, come on, as a kid, what's better than having the whole house to yourself? How about having your dad's credit card, identity, no spending limit, and the city of New York at your disposal? And it's all 90s tech so no one can find you. Hell yeah! Think Florida sucks on Christmas? Why not crash at the "world renowned" Plaza Hotel in instead?... on your dad's credit card! Why not indeed. Why not do it now? 

Seriously, this movie is tighter with its set-ups and pay-offs than a 40's mobster... so tight in the opening minutes that if you miss any small line of dialogue you'll be more lost in New York than Kevin is (because he's never really "lost" in New York anyway, that's a scam). The Talkboy tape recorder? Set up. The clown balloon? Set up. The "He said that if I go in there, and see him naked, I'll never grow up feeling like a real man..." ? Set up. (Trust me on that one.) After the first 10 minutes, just sit back and wait for those sweet, sweet payoffs... and boy does this movie not disappoint. They tease you about 10 times on the way out the door with the "where's Kevin?" schtick, but lol and behold, there he is in the front seat! Not gonna leave him behind this time! I DEFY YOU MOVIE to keep him in tow! 

My family's in Florida...
and I'm in... New York?

It's actually impressive how they get him separated a second time... although once again, it all comes down to his parents being idiots and not checking on him the ENTIRE FLIGHT. Besides, stopping in the airport to get the batteries in your TalkBoy is way more important than going to Florida anyway. It's not his fault. He ended up having a much better vacation anyways. You go boy! 

Anyways, here's the scene they don't show in rebroadcasts for reasons that become obvious (was probably a really expensive shot to get too)... featuring the most nostalgic Christmas song ever made: 

Someone's gotta stop kicking
Mac in the nuts.

So in the rare case of a 90s boy actually having some intelligence (Minkus doesn't count as a human being), we now find Kevin pulling the same tricks to get himself ensconced in a king-sized bed with his big cozy bath robe, surrounded by treats and bloody gangster films ("Merry Christmas you filthy animal!"), and eating two scoops of every flavor ice cream there is. He's dive-bombing into sweet hotel swimming pools (with, and then without, his shorts), paying his personal bag slave Rob Schneider in gum (glorious too... and for Schneider, sooooo deserved), and doing just about everything every kid has ever dreamed of. 

"Peet-zah."

At least... it was everything I ever dreamed of doing, but then again, I never dreamed about the "stolen" credit card getting suddenly declined, and Tim Curry coming after me to collect, and that's precisely where this paradise starts to unravel. Even still, it was enough to make me want to board the wrong flight with my dad's credit card. Throw in some (shoehorned in) retread jokes with the same bumbling robbers (calling themselves the Sticky Bandits this time, or at least, just Marv... Joe Pesci was too busy inventing new ways to swear and still keep it PG), and it was still wall-to-wall stitches from my side of the room. That's not saying much though. I laughed at pretty much anything that didn't require brain cells: 

Harry: "What's that?"

(*Looney Tunes Shenanigans*)

Marv: "That was the sound of a giant tool chest... falling down the stairs..." 

Still gets me every time! So much wholesome holiday goodness! 

Chances are, if you're like me, you can't hear many Christmas tunes on the radio without thinking about this or the first Home Alone, like the Johnny Mathis "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas" or "Jingle Bell Rock." But especially this one, which was done for the movie and now you hear it every year  (update: yeah the original was taken down, but here's a pretty good cover from American Grapefruit):

Just as well, you probably wanted a Talkboy tape recorder because of this movie, like I did.

Merry Chex-Mix! 

In-Line Roller-blades

Rad (adj.): see above.

Don't call 'em roller-skates, these bad boys are "blades". Since the first couple spins I took around the block in my old blades, back in the mid-90s, I don't think I've ever been able to sit quite right. Wearing these things was like learning how to walk all over again, only this time with eight wheels under your feet and a break at your heel. Come across any slope, or even just a gradual downturn or pebble, and you'll quickly find yourself careening out of control... BUTT I guess that's what your BUTT is for (...nature's impact absorber). Now if only I wore a helmet...
 
Seriously, after your first 200-something falls, you do get the hang of it, and then you'll be damned if you can go without them. The steady ground below your feet, the presence of "friction,"... it just no longer felt right. "If the good lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller-skates..." said the great candy man, and I got to agree... except for the "roller-skates" part... (these things are too X-TREME!! to be "skates"). In any case, I think I went through a period in my life around the age of 10 where these were just the natural extension of my feet. I lived on wheels. My blades sat by the side door, so if I was going anywhere... "I--was--roll-ing!" (Forrest Gump everybody!)

Not me, but damn close!

At one point I could do everything in blades, like climb up and down stairs, use the bathroom (yes!), ride around on a trampoline (kids, don't try that at home), or fly down even the steepest sloping cul-de-sacs... (coming back up was a whole different story though). I even got up the guts to trick out a bit on the local half-pipe at the park, but only the kiddy one and only to the best ability a little dork like me could do... which meant a lot of back and forth on the bottom of the bevel and a lot of time on my butt. But isn't that why it's there? As I've said before, me and my butt are tight, we go way back.

The whole "roller-skating" thing that really took off in the 80's got another massive kick in the butt during the early 90s thanks to "rad" culture and the introduction of blades. Suddenly every kid on my block was either rocking a pair of blades, a skateboard, or a Razor scooter. Heck, video games like Road Rash and the very existence of Tony Hawk just became part of the lingo. Blades made their way into just about a thousand no-budget direct to VHS tapes advertising as "awesome jumps" and "XTREME tricks!" that were actually showcasing little more than the non-wipeout reel. They also made it into terrible kids' movies like "The Skateboard Kid" and... "The Skateboard Kid 2." After all, "When there's magic in your [fart], you can soar!" Yeah... all I can say about the 90s VHS craze, at least as far as skating videos and movies were concerned, is there are things more painful than wiping out on your blades.

The world would be a better place if people skated everywhere, I think. I mean, skater chicks have got to be the hottest kind of chick. Save for a bike, these were the quickest way to get around as a kid. After all, a car only has four wheels... these guys have a rockin' eight! Cool blades were definitely on my Christmas wishlist at some point, and I got to admit, I'm struggling to remember why I ever gave up my first real set of wheels.

....unless I want to count these babies.


< Here's a cool design I found on Zazzle, get it on a t-shirt! 

Lost Sonic 2 Levels

"Dust Hill Zone" concept art.

Many have searched for the legendary "lost Sonic 2 levels", spurred on by dreams of what could've been, what they could've looked like, and why they were cut from the final game. In our minds they are mythic, complete, and full of new surprises, enemies, and everything we came to expect from the original Sega Genesis Sonic games, but what is the truth? You have to admit that Sonic the Hedgehog 2 was an explosion of creativity with all its levels and enemies. I remember my cousin even joking once that it had "like, a hundred levels." The only disappointment for me was that it didn't, but what if it did?

"More Sonic" is always a good thing, and certainly something I would've wanted as a kid, so let's take a look at some of the real "lost levels" (not the fan-made false ones). We're all familiar with Emerald Hill Zone, Chemical Plant Zone, Casino Night, Hill Top, Oil Ocean...etc... but what about Wood Zone? Dust Hill Zone? Hidden Palace Zone? Neo-Green Hill Zone? ... Genocide City Zone??

It turns out that all of them were actual lost levels in one way or another, but the truth isn't all that awesome. There are two genuine lost zones... Wood Zone and Hidden Palace, but they are incomplete. Wood Zone takes place in the treetops, has few enemies, is missing some floors, has conveyor belts that don't present any obstacle, and doesn't particularly lead you anywhere, but it is interesting nonetheless. Hidden Palace has a more polished Act 1 featuring caves and crystals (vaguely similar to Lava Reef Zone from Sonic & Knuckles), but it's also only half done--the Act 2 for it just has Sonic standing around behind a pile of rocks until he dies.

So here's Hidden Palace Zone... with it's own music and everything.

And here's Wood Zone... Wood Zone actually had a slower version of what became the Chemical Plant music, this was just placeholder music from Emerald Hill two-player mode.

That's the cool part. The truth about the other three "lost levels" is more disappointing. It turns out the equally-legendary "Dust Hill Zone" was just an early working title for what became Mystic Cave Zone (pictures of Sonic in a desert level were sent out to magazines to advertise the game, under the name "Dust Hill Zone," but no such zone was ever made). The same is true for Neo-Green Hill Zone (the original was the first level of Sonic 1). It's nothing but an early working title for Aquatic Ruin Zone. Then there's the legendary Genocide City Zone, which is just Sonic falling into a blue/green abyss and dying (and thus the name?). It's not just unfinished, it's not even started. Supposedly, the Act 3 of Metropolis Zone was going to be the one-act "Genocide City", but they designed it with the Metropolis setup instead and made it the oddball "Act 3" that is is. I always did think it was strange that Sonic would go straight from the machine-world of Metropolis to the airplane in Sky Chase Zone.

Having said that, there are a lot of cool fan-made imaginings of what the lost Sonic 2 levels "might" have looked like, including interesting and detailed Genocide City ones, but that's all they are, fan-made imaginings. They also made Dust Hill into an awesome desert level, as well as a level that looks like a precursor to the (f-ing awesome!!) Ice Cap Zone from Sonic 3. But don't be fooled by imitations. These are the authentic ones (as far as we know).

Lego Islanders Ad

Part one in my month-long "things I wanted for Christmas" quadrilogy, filed under...

How Cool Was that Catamaran?

Battle of the Batteries

Duracell claims that kids don't care about what batteries power their toys, and I have never been more insulted. See, I was a dork, and yes, I did have my battery preferences. Sure I trusted the "copper top"...they worked better than Rayovac, and definitely better than Chap Stick, and yeah, they came with that cool strip you could press down on to see how charged it was, but now I'm not so sure. Now I may just have to go back to my kid-hood allegiance was with the bunny.

Depending on which mythology you believe, the Energizer Bunny started out as a man who found a genie, wished for money, girls, and "long life," and got exactly what he wished for. In my 8-year-old opinion, that didn't sound like such a bad deal (so long as the other two wishes were part of the package). If not, then it was just some toy that escaped from the Energizer labs and is reportedly "still going" to this day on the same batteries... either way, "long-lasting" is basically the theme here.

Duracell is obviously better, but nothing says 90s like a pink bunny in flip flops. And because attempts to stop him have been thwarted, he's probably still out there (somewhere) incongruously banging that drum and interrupting random commercials for Alarm Soap and Not Bacon. No one messes with a dude in cool shades.

The Oregon Trail

Let me start out by saying that The Oregon Trail was arguably the greatest computer game of all time, and that's putting it lightly. I mean, who even really knows what the real Oregon Trail was? All I know is that it had something to do with the western pioneers. Think about it... this game about the thing probably looms larger over culture than the original thing itself, because just ask any kid from the early 90s, and the Oregon Trail was just one of the coolest computer games ever made fer sure (no offense to the pioneers). And no, not (just) because you could literally die in it by pooping to death.

This game was more about survival than a history lesson, which is why it was so darn cool. I remember playing at least two versions of it: the original and the deluxe. The original had that pixelated, white covered wagon on a simple black screen, and the deluxe had 32bit renderings with the blue skies and banjo-like computer music. You could choose from several occupations like "Banker," (which meant you had more money ), "Doctor" (which meant you'd have better health), or "Merchant" (which meant you'd have more stuff)...etc. Basically, each came with their own pros and cons, and none really had everything you'd need for the trip by themselves.

So you'd pick your poison, you'd buy some supplies at the ole' timey "General Store" (pro-tip: BUY BULLETS... don't waste time buying food, it spoils!), and you'd decide when to leave (pro-tip: if you leave too late, you'll hit the dead of winter, but if you leave too early, your animals will die from the lack of grass). So you'd pick your poison once again, and finally set your little oxen off doing their two-step shuffle along the Oregon Trail with your cozy covered wagon in tow. The adventure was on, damn it. 

Along the way, you'd run into all sorts of dialog boxes... sometimes you'd have to decide whether to "caulk your wagon" and float across a river (where you'd always seem to drown an ox), or you'd all get sick and start dying off from old diseases (forget dysentery, try cholera!), or you'd have to stop to hunt, or cross another river, or you'd run into some town and decide to BUY MORE BULLETS. (I swear, if you ran out of bullets, you could not eat. It was that simple.)

Speaking of bullets, hunting was funny on the Oregon Trail. Not only were the bison the easiest things to shoot, but they also brought back the most meat, so what was the point of the rabbits and squirrels (besides points?)? Just a waste of bullets if you ask me. Another funny thing was how you could be out there dropping bison and deer dead left and right, strewing carcasses all over the place, but you could only carry, like, maybe one of them back. The real Oregon Trail must have been littered with dead bison that couldn't be "carried back"...if this game is any guide. No wonder they're endangered. 

In the deluxe version, the seasons would change rapidly... the oxen would be trudging through snow, and then through green grass... the sky would alternate between gray and blue, and the little mountains would scurry along as you came across such places as Fort Kearney and Chimney Rock. Sometimes an ox would die and you'd wish you were a merchant, or sometimes a person would die and you'd wish you were a doctor, or sometimes you'd break a wagon wheel and wish you were a carpenter, and sometimes you'd die in the snow and wish you weren't a loser, but if you made it to Oregon, it was something special indeed. 

The Oregon Trail was just another one of those games that made those clunky, slow, computers of our early memory so darn cool.

Until you died of dysentery...