Bushwhacked

Why? Because it's time for some good ole Bush. Back in 1995, I was a 9-year-old boy, and two things happened. The all-time best Jumanji movie came out ("What year is it??"), and the best all-time movie about being a Boy Scout came out. What a two-fer!  But as Jumanji was a better movie (and as such has gone on to be something of a nostalgia bait-and-switch "franchise" in recent years), the little scouting movie called Bushwhacked has remained, thankfully, largely unscathed. In fact, like Daniel Stern's career afterwards, it seems to have almost disappeared. Unlike his career though, this one is fondly remembered. I am one of those braves, because I happened to be a scout at the time (and proud of it), so you better believe that I blew chunks over this movie. This was like "you know you're a scout if..." kind of humor, and I just sat there the whole time saying "yup!" and eating it up ... most likely along with my boogers.

Wow mom! A movie about boy scouts! And hey, it's... that guy! Yeah, the dumber half of the "Wet/Sticky Bandits," and he's roughing it with a bunch of scouts while on the run from the law? That's the one to rent! It was a hoot. And yeah, Daniel Stern was just right for this. Jim Carrey might've been able to pull it off, but it would've been too cartoony. Daniel Stern gets in the mugging just fine, but also adds a little touch of risque menace as well, which really sells it. You might say a little of that mugging goes a long way, but you're not the 9-year-old me. Being nine and being a scout, this Daniel Stern vehicle was so far up my alley at the time that it might as well have tried to take me behind a tree at Jamboree! (Yeah, I know, bad joke... but come on! This movie is begging for it now, especially given the baggage of time that the BSA has absorbed.) Seriously, after the BSA molest-athon that was the 80s and 90s... they decided to smarten up and let GIRLS join the "Boy Scouts" because apparently there were too many penises and not enough cookies, and too many penises is always a recipe for disaster (And for more cookies? Sounds like a good trade off to me.), and oh yeah, because the Girl Scouts won't mind.... *fart noise*

As for the plot, Daniel Stern plays a bumbling loser named Marv... oh wait... wrong movie. He plays a bumbling loser named Max Grabelski, a delivery man who is falsely accused of murder and has to go on the run from the cops. He takes off for the woods to retrieve evidence that will clear his name, but along the way he gets mistaken as some kind of "famous scout leader" Jack "Spider" Erickson, who is expected to take a band of boy scouts on an overnight into the woods. In a monumental feat of incompetence that sadly must've been the norm for the BSA back in the day (given what we know now), the clueless parents send their kids off with Max into the woods on that very overnight (assuming he's the scoutmaster they're expecting), a task which Max (desperate to not be found out) reluctantly accepts. Then, despite his attempts to shake the kids off at every turn, his ad hoc outdoor advice to mask his ruse, and their relentless fawning over him as their scouting messiah, the stage is set for some stupid good ole' hijinks in the woods, and a lot of Daniel Stern's trademarked mugging.

Seriously though, after an extended opening credits sequence inexplicably spoofing "Saturday Night Fever" (which I never got until now)... as a kid, this movie had me at "Sno Balls". I absolutely loved those things as a kid, and I too would often just jam the entire things in my mouth in one bite. But I digress...

Early on in the movie, it's revealed that these boys are... kinda lame ("Gordy! You're supposed to get your cooking badge by roasting a porcupine with a magnifying glass!"). Yeah. Like that. In fact, we're intro'ed to them climbing what appears to be a rocky cliff, but a quick camera swirl reveals that they're... just crawling horizontally across their driveway. Haha! So lame! I definitely got it though. It's hard to be a Dork Scout... having the other kids egg you on to "get it together" because you failed to get a certain badge on time like the rest of the troop... etc. That's real shit when you're a scout. But these yahoos are just a goonsquad of overprotected pussies (and coming from Yours Truely, Dorkus Maximus here, that's saying something). So ball-less are they that the fact that a girl is joining their ranks doesn't even seem to faze them. As soon as she jumps in the mini-van with them for the trip, they all kind of just go "nice... finally!" As in, finally they have someone... capable... joining their ranks! Woke? Nope. Just dorks.

The Girl doesn't even do any classic "told you so'ing" in the movie, and for all in tents and purposes, pretty much becomes "one of the guys" for the rest of the movie, with one exception. It's kind of a missed opportunity for some "girl power!" stuff, or something, but whatever. All the kids start to blend together as the thing goes on anyways.

Like Ace Ventura movies, do yourself a favor and don't even worry about the plot, or the characters. This movie is a hijinks check sheet. Bear chase scene? Check! Rickety rope bridge scene? Check! Waterfall action scene? Check! Cliff climbing scene? Check! Tree climbing scene? Check! Sexual innuendo scene? Check! Beehive sting scene? Check! Peeing in the woods scene? Check! Inconceivably stupid schmaltzy ending? Check! Fart jokes? Check! I'm sure there's a nut shot in there somewhere too. And this even extends to the characters. The kids are your basic checklist as well. You got your foul-mouthed cool rebel kid (with backwards hat of course), your Scout-Code-spouting dork virgin (wearing glasses of course), your wide-eyed tenderfoot, your lardbutt (who is fat), and your girl (who is a girl). All they needed was Token Black to complete the checklist. And at first, while they still think this guy is their actual scoutmaster, they do seem to be nothing more than a bunch of mindless idiots, gleefully following this random werido around while marching along and chanting songs their moms wrote for them:

"We're Troop 12, the scouts' top crew!
We're honest, kind, and real fun, too!
We yell hurrah, we yell hooray!
We run and dance and sing and play!
We do good deeds, we help our friends..."

Max: "Alright! Alright!! Knock it off!! What is that?? We run and dance and sing and PLAY?" Kid: "My mom kinda wrote the words...."  Max: "Well they suck! OK?!"

This really hits home. Every Cub Scout and Boy Scout thing I was involved in was overwhelmingly run by moms... and you know... there was a lot of lame, cissy, ball-less, soulless, bubble-wrapped, very un-boyish stuff they'd often have us do... clearly because all our moms were misandrists who wished we were girls instead! (Hi mom!) But yeah, I could totally relate to their sorry plight. And maybe, just maybe, a guy like Max is someone these sheltered brats need to show 'em the real ropes, right? Well, soon enough the kids start to suspect that this guy isn't their real scoutmaster, because believe it or not, he doesn't know a spruce from a deuce, and he chain smokes like a chimney (seriously guy, forest fires are no laughing matter).

"Please don't kill us Mad Max!"

Well, once the reality of their actual kidnapping becomes clear back on the ground (the news even nicknames him "Mad Max Grabelski"), the kids find out over a makeshift radio that they are indeed THE kids who were kidnapped! And as the authorities are called in, the kids end up getting trailed by their actual scoutmaster, a man they know as "Spider" ...a gung-ho scouting-marine who raw-dog shaves with a friggin' machete from the front of his military-grade Jeep (awww yeah, hoo-rah... yay masculinity!), and a crooked cop who turns out to be in on the money laundering scam that framed Max to begin with. The kids attempt smoke signals in the hopes of a rescue, but it doesn't go well. The real "Spider" does indeed see them, but they spell out "BELP! BELP!" ... (Kids: "No! It's two long, two short!" "Well what am I supposed to do? Cross that letter out??"). Then things get pretty dark as the kids even try to poison their kidnapper by drugging his canteen with their medications... but hilarity and body horror ensues instead.

Actually, it's refreshing how quickly the scouts go from blissful ignorance to "holy shit, this guy is a fugitive and we need help" to "please don't kill us Mad Max!!" ...all on the way towards Max's hamfisted personal redemption and the kids' inevitable Stockholm's syndrome. The movie actually seems like it's setting up to be a black comedy, but then we get to the, um, bonding. "Hey guys, maybe this guy isn't so bad after all..." definitely sets in, as they go from misadventure to misadventure in the woods, to which Max bumbles his way each time towards the Herculean task of ensuring their safety, proving his innocence, and promoting the growth of their self confidence... and balls... (including the girl)... You know, basically doing what scouting was supposed to be doing all along...

Be Prepared.

"I'm Superstud!" ... is what Max gets the frightened dork scout to say to coax him across the rickety rope bridge while the kid's shitting himself in fear. Indeed, it's something I probably said once or twice to coax myself to jump off a diving board or ride a chairlift. It's a charming scene for sure about learning courage, but does saying that work? Probably not as much as chanting "I have a big penis"... but I guess they had to somehow make this PG. As a dork myself, I too know the importance of lying to yourself. (Sorry kid.) And indeed, Max's good ole fashioned "fireside sex talk" with the kiddies should also be required viewing by all kids due to its hilarity and its accuracy, both in its eye-opening Barbie-Ken doll orgasmic cacophony (thanks Girl), and its aftermath ("And then the man smokes a cigarette, watches a little Leno, and goes to sleep..."). Or how about the girl's bra-slingshot?! And they said girls can't be good scouts! "Be prepared" I always say!

Plus, this great lecture on the (very real) importance of pine cones, by Dork Kid... with associated shenanigans:

Great stuff, right? Well, there's more. How about the cliff climbing scene, which truly becomes death defying in the most Boy Scout way possible ("Dude, did you just rip one?" "No." "Yes, you did! You stink! Hey I can't climb behind this guy anymore!" "Don't make me climb down there guys!"). Haha! Seriously kid, you don't fart while scaling a cliff one by one in a line. That's in the manual. Or how about the hilarious scene where dork kid stops to assure Max (now suspended over a chasm as the scouts crawl across his back) that he should be able to "hold out" for 3 more minutes, to which Max strains in reply: "good... then TAKE YOUR TIME!"... Or what about the scene of Max coming to the rescue of... Other Kid... (Gordy) dangling off the edge of a cliff by a cracking pine tree ("I'm just a delivery guy!!"). Or heck, even as Max is trying to untie Gordy's mother later on, who had been tied up by the bad guys (Max: "What kind of knot is this??"  Man's voice: "It's a clove hitch..."  Max: "Thank you!"  Bad Guy: "I learned it in the scouts..."). Hahahaha!

(Btw, that def wasn't a clove hitch... just sayin'...)

And of course, how could the 9-year-old me not revel in the poetry on display:

Shake your lizard, let it drain!

Move your hips and spell your name!

Send it straight and send it hard!

Now a sword-fight! Go! En guard! 

Eat your veggies, eat your starches,

Lean back boys! Golden arches! 

Didn't I say this was an accurate portrayal of being in the Boy Scouts? That's heartwarming stuff right there. As well as the punchline: "Hey Spider, we just pissed on some guys!"

It's funny... because it's real. 

Anyways, enough fun stuff. Back to the "plot." Spoilers, but after some standoffs and action scenes, and with the eventual help of their actual scoutmaster (who had been handcuffed around a... very tall tree... and somehow manages to "Marine" his way up and over it in the course of a night!!), Max is able to clear his name, get on all the good guys' good graces, and walk free, despite all the obvious. But even more importantly (now that we're all invested as an audience), having decided to protect these kids from the real bad guys who are just inexplicably evil suddenly ("and after you're done killing him, kill the kids!"), he's finally able to prove, to himself, that he's maybe not so much a "loser" after all. Aww shucks, right? And yeah, I guess he... has some kind of impact on the kids to "toughen them up" and make "real men" (and "woman") out of them from their sheltered, millennial, 90s, helicopter parent'ed lives... which I assume is good. This is enough of a stretch, but then the clincher. For having survived an overnight with this would-be fugitive wingnut, the kids get promoted to "First Class Eagle" (which is BULLSHIT AND WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE, and I KNEW THAT EVEN AS A KID!!)... And then, even more shockingly, this guy... despite the fact that he should be in jail even if he was innocent of murdering the guy... gets appointed as their new scoutmaster... "poof" ... just like that... and then gets "orders" to take them ALL on an overnight to Yosemite... and you just gotta say... NO WONDER THE SCOUTS GOT SUED SO MUCH!

I mean, sure, he saved their lives, but he also almost got them all killed... ah, whatever. The movie's over.

Obviously it's played for laughs, but it's the kind of non-sequitur ending you're not even sure is real because it's just soooo over the top schmaltzy that even me, as DUMB as I was as a kid, knew this would NEVER HAPPEN and that this guy would be in JAIL for this shit.

But then again, it was the Boy Scouts, and it was the 90s...

Anyways... This was a fun movie. And a great thesis for why, yeah, boys should never be allowed to join the Girl Scouts...

Shake your lizard. Let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard.,
Now a sword fight. Go! En garde!

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=bushwhacked

Shake your lizard. Let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard.,
Now a sword fight. Go! En garde!

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=bushwhacked