Mid90s Review

Whodah thought Jonah Hill had it in him? Watching Mid90s recently (because let's face it, I kinda had to eventually) was downright painful, harkening back to a simpler time of kid cruelty... big brother asswipes, good friends turned bitter enemies over something as trivial as some other kid giving you mad props, trying to be "cool" in the eyes of the world at the cost of your bodily and spiritual integrity... and Nintendo Game Boys. (Oh I 'member Game Boys! They were fantastic!) Yeah this movie was painful to watch, like, "hockey puck to the nuts" painful, but only because it was so f'ing TRUE. (And not in the "wazzzuuuup?" kind of way). It's chock full of the kind of inevitable childhood foibles and follies you've repressed that probably traumatized you, which makes it real, and real good emotive stuff. So along with the references and callbacks to that glazed-over, fondly "membered" 90s of orange-splat Nickelodeon and Blast-Processed Genesis/SNES, this movie was painful to watch because while watching it, in ways only someone who has been a kid trying to prove himself can attest, all I could think was "yeah... I remember that."

Kids are f-ing cruel, and this story doesn't pull any punches. In fact, the opening shot involves this kid getting jacked in his home by his older brother. "Ooof!" And so we follow this kid from LA in the year 1995, a year I mostly remember for being the year Jumanji came out (mainly because the girl said it was 1995 in the movie... "what year is it??" indeed). His name's Stevie and he's about 12 or so, and absolutely caught up in that whole urban, street-craze rough skate culture right at the time when it was at its Road Rash, classic Tony Hawk zenith. Of course he and his gang dream of one day "going pro," but are usually found nursing their wounds. BUTT... this ain't no throwback "RADICAL!" or "Cowabunga" "skater" flick with Dom Deluise voice acting a talking magical skateboard (Skateboard Kid anyone?)... this is a movie about the very demographic those 90s kid movie cash grabs were ostensibly "made for." Dumb boys with boners for ex-celennnnt tricks and gnarly wipe outs! Wasted in the x-TREME man! Yeah... These adolescents are more human and down to Earth than typical movie skater boys, and more like the genuine article than perhaps any other depiction of them thus far, realistic and relateable, but also deeply flawed and vulnerable, desperate for something to cling to and protect them... but still pretty dumb.

Like most boys, Stevie's life is simple: wake up, get your ass beat by your OJ-chugging, ganja'ed out, butthead big brother (the kind who probably has another daddy, farts in your face, and tells you his penis is bigger than yours on the reg but you still kinda look up to him for it anyway), get bitched out in public by your deadbeat single mom (who was obviously date-raped at some point in her past and you know it, and is probably yelling at you to get to school because she doesn't know it's the weekend), ditch school anyway (because it's not the weekend), yell racial and homophobic slurs at cops, get called a "faggot" by your "friends" for not executing a perfect Ollie while holding an M15 for street cred and impregnating and subsequently slapping the nearest group of high-skirted, halter-topped hos in the inevitable vicinity... spend time at a skateboard shop just scoping out the scene and getting called a "poser" for wearing a hat the wrong way, then come home, get bitched at by your mom again for being late and how "she doesn't know you anymore," and then get your nightly pummeling in the nuts by big bro who's calling you a homophobic slur again for drinking his prized OJ (and for having a smaller penis). All that, and yeah, Game Boys were a thing. 'Member Game Boys?! Whhhoaaaa! It really is the story of every 90s kid!

Given all this, you can start to understand why skateboarding is so important to Stevie, and why trying to find purpose and connection with other skaters in the pecker-order of that crowd may just be his only shot at escaping his own "90s kid!!" experience. (If only we all had been so lucky.)

In any other Jonah Hill movie, this kid and his group of friends (which probably would've included Jonah Hill, and probably did behind the scenes) would've just been a bunch of dimwitted, pussy-obsessed, stoner, loser skaters, ditching school, cracking gay jokes, getting stoned, getting drunk, and striking out at gettin' some. But this movie shows us this typical "goon squad" in a bit more of a, well, human light, doing all of the above, but doing it like actual teenage boys do it. There's Reuben, who is the youngest (until Stevie enters and trumps him in the hierarchy). There's Ray and Fuckshit, who are the oldest in the group and therefore the most radical skaters this side of the Rockies (and I mean, everything east of the Rockies) and so naturally pretty much rule Reuben and Stevie's worlds with both their stoner wisdom and headcracking stunts, plus the presumed mondo-ness of their genitalia. Then there's Fourth Grade, the quiet type who films stuff, and not on his phone. No. He uses actual "film."

In all their bone-headed and yet charming exploits, the film does a good job of what it's like to grow up as a dude within that urban-type environment and at that particular time in kid culture, with all it's pros and cons on display and not a hint of judgement or commentary attached to it. So allow me to comment on it. (Spoilers be here!)

Stevie struggles to be accepted by his raggedy skater clique, even spending all kinds of money to pimp out his skateboard with something he thought was so cool until a "cooler" kid than him, Reuben, informs him that what he thought was cool was actually lame, and he would know, because he's cool and his skateboard is so much cooler, obviously (damn, that's pretty sound kid logic right there). Stevie struggles to make any name for himself he can with these guys and you really believe he would literally do anything, ANYTHING, no matter how low, criminal, self-destructive, or even whorish or dehumanizing, to get so much as a Y-shaka sign from any of them (damn millennials, always thinking they're entitled to being accepted among the cool kids). This is until he stages a concussion for himself by skating off a roof, landing several feet down onto a table, no helmet. While he's sitting there bleeding from his brain, his chosen set of dudes understandably welcomes him into the fold as one of the gang and confer on him that much-needed "cool" status that every 90s boy needed to survive. But his rapid ascension in the ranks also raises the ire of his one-time best friend Reuben (who was only his friend as long as he could lord his own street cred over Stevie's bushy head), since now Reuben is the one all the guys are cutting down to size and calling a "faggot." Loyalties rapidly shift, as even Stevie now partakes in the denunciation of Reuben and his very status as a male. Does this shit ring a bell? Sounds like the 90s childhood I remember!

Stevie's rise to the top only gets all the more cemented among his peers the night he's invited to a teen party to get wasted with the gang (again, sounds like a dream come true). While at the party, he awkwardly fumbles his way through a conversation with a halter-topped teen girl who is very much his senior, meanwhile trying to act suave while drunk and understandably hiding his erection at the very idea that a chick that hot would even be acknowledging his pubescent existence (the way I would've at that age... or even now). But unlike any chick I've ever embarrassed myself in front of, this one decides that it's time enough for our little boy Stevie to become a man and give him what every boy his age could only dream of getting from someone like her. So she drags him into a back room where she totally... yeah... despite being quite a few years older. (And as South Park so eloquently put it... "Nice...") Emerging entranced and euphoric from that, presumably a full minute later (he's a pubescent boy and she was hot, come on, it couldn't haven taken long), he gets the admiration and commendation of his whole gang who know he just totally scored. His "man card" is officially in the mail. Masculinity unlocked, amiright?

This newfound confidence though brings with it troubles at home. Sure, he now has the cajones to stand up to his big brother and even steal his OJ, but that only means he gets his ass whooped within a pinch of his life even harder because now his brother is "concerned" about him. Suddenly, even his brother is starting to think he's hanging out with the wrong crowd (and that's saying something), but only because beating his ass took more effort this time than it should've. But what's worse, he gets chewed out by his bitch mom and is forbade to converse with any of them at the skateboard shop. But come on... this "bad crowd" got him status and got him laid within the course of a few WEEKS! What has his mother or brother ever done for him? And so, the final act is set up for a confrontation between the forces of evil at home dragging him down into unhinged mediocrity with them, and the forces of good out on the streets who are giving him purpose, connection, camraderie, and getting him laid with smokin' older chicks (who also literally be smokin').

Nice...

All in all, it's everyboy's tale (well, except with the actually having sex part), with a bit more period-specific homophobia thrown in. Why it's called Mid90s, why it even really needs to be set in the 90s, other than for possible Jonah Hill autobiographical cues, is kind of a mystery to me, but its setting and the promise of getting to see the year 1995 depicted in all its glory certainly got me to give it a view. Despite all the heavy stuff, it's actually still a fun romp. Its nostalgia is not a punch to the gut like other recent movies (Captain Marvel, I'm looking at you!). No lingering shots of "Blockbuster Video"... no stupid references to Furbies or Gel Pens or Dial Up Modems whatevers. It's nostalgia is more of a painful reminder of just how damn hard it is to be a kid, and why, when you were one, you wanted to grow up and not be one so damn bad! Relateable much?

You On Kazoo!

Some things you get nostalgic about are things you were lucky never to have seen when you were a kid, but you know exactly what it is when you see it because there was so much like it back in the day. And there was. The amount of weird direct-to-video VHS tapes that were pumped out in the 80s and 90s on every conceivable (and... "Inconceivable!") topic in existence can not be overstated. At a time before smart phones, anything you could put in a VCR was a parent's best friend to shut us up for a half hour... and they sold very well, although the quality of content is now... well, you know... the stuff that memes are made of. 

At first all I knew about the "Kazoo kid" was that he was a 90s kid meme goldmine. All I can say is, when I first saw "You On Kazoo" it was a few years ago on Youtube, and it genuinely, legitimately, horrified me. Not only did this kid look and behave pretty much like the 8-year-old me (as cringey as that is by itself), but I actually began getting more and more unnerved as the minutes wore on, and had to shut it off, convinced that there is real evil in this world and that it will possess you if you let it. To this day I haven't been able to watch the whole thing, plus some of this kid's other direct-to-video works which are just as terrifying, without getting legitimately, genuninely, creeped-the-fuck out... 

So here you go! Just don't look him in the eyes. You've been warned. 

So just what from the depths of hell ARE you watching? Well, what if I told you that everyone involved in the production of these videos was found ritualistically sacrificed in that very same field? Hmm? Well, then I'd be lying to you because that didn't happen, but after watching this, you'd believe it, right? And what if I told you you'd be next? You can thank me later. Seriously... I just keep waiting for the kid to go, "seven days..." 

Now I'm sure there's a perfectly silly and fun dorky kid cash-grab VHS rationale behind all of this cringe and genuine horror, and yeah, maybe the guy who played "the Kazoo kid" or "Brett" as he calls himself (Brett Ambler) came out in recent years to tell the story of just how these direct-to-VHS 1989 creepypastas came to be. And yeah, it's nice to know he's doing alright and proud of his work when he was an 8-year-old dork himself, but still...

Sometimes you just have to get the spirit to come out... partner...

Bye Bye RadioShack

RadioShack circa 1993

So as many of my fellow dorks are aware, RadioShack is no more. All the rest of you are obviously the reason (where the heck were you?). Yes, while it's true that they are now owned by a random wireless carrier and function as spaces to sell Sprint products, the nostalgic RadioShack of the past is no more. For those who don't know though, RadioShack was like... the number one place to buy capacitors, resistors, dual axis accelerometers, and other thingamagidgets Scotty needed to repair the Enterprise. Trust me. This is a big deal for DIY people. Oh yeah, you could also buy a wide variety of batteries (and have them shipped to your house), antennas, small televisions, remote controls, sound systems, electronic gadgets and assorted do-dads, cameras, short wave radios, 150-in-One kits, and of course, RC TOYS! RadioShack was amazing back in the day and there was no other store quite like it.

Seriously, in the age before plastic touch-screen rectangles ruled the universe, anything "tech toy" usually came on four wheels or two copter blades, and sometimes both. RadioShack was the Disney Land of the local mall to the uber dorks in training, the one place I'd actually beg to be taken to, and I have vivid memories of going in with my folks just to play with all the RC cars they actually let the kids play with. Some of them later mysteriously made their way under a few Christmas trees even (funny how that happens). Now I don't know if it was common practice or not, but I remember almost every toy in the store being "try before you buy." I of course was also very young at the time and maybe my imagination is just acting up, but I remember actually getting a hold on the RC cars and driving them around the store, torturing the customers. I remember being told not to drive them outside the front of the store, although I certainly did try it. In fact, I seem to remember them not being able to be driven outside the store. They had some kind of force-field on the doors or something.

RadioShack indeed had a good run. They started out in the 1920s selling radio equipment. They sent around mail-order catalogs to enthusiasts of the new technology before they began actually manufacturing their own. They set up their first stores to sell their own radio products before they were bought by the Tandy Corporation, and that's when they really took off. People forget that they were one of the major retailers of computers in the 1980's and did a lot through their print advertising in mainstreaming the sale of computers to the average public. People way before my time know them for their TRS-80 computer, which actually came pre-assembled and not in the form of a "kit" (something rare for the time). In the long run, Tandy couldn't compete with IBM and they began restructuring. In the 90s, they shifted more toward retailing consumer electronics. They sold off their computer manufacturing and cut down their product line. Since then they've been trying to compete in the cellular and smartphone market, but obviously not doing so well at it.

I distinctly remember having one of these RadioShack 4x4 Off-Roaders my brother and I probably ended up driving down the stairs one too many times. In any case, it was definitely a truck and it was definitely blue, and definitely had little lights on the top and a strong front grill that probably protected it for at least twenty minutes of slamming into the kitchen chairs.

In the end, it seems even RadioShack knew their glory days were behind them when in 2014 they played up their own nostalgic image in this Superbowl ad where an innocent storefront gets ransacked by an army of 80s pop culture. Noticeable in the backgrounds are the "VCR" and "Boom Box" sections, perpetuating the joke of their retro-ness. Now as a loyal RadioShack consumer through the years (particularly around the holidays) I couldn't be more upset by this twist of fate for this part of my childhood. How will I go on without my "Battery of the Month Club" membership? But as a lifelong dork I am probably more upset about just where I'm going to go for capacitors. Seriously, the LED display went on my stereo and where was I going to go to DIY the thing back to working order? BEST BUY? Hah! In other recent news, the stereo I tried to DIY the display back to working order on is now RIP completely. How poetic.

RIP RadioShack

"I'm a Cartoon!" (The Pagemaster)

This is getting meta...

Here's one of the many facts of my life some people I know will never fail to let me live down... the fact that I looked like the kid in The Pagemaster (the animated one). I remember they first played The Pagemaster for us in "library class" (because in elementary school, even just the name of a room could be a whole class). They rolled out the big four-wheeled cart on the rug and popped in a VHS that blazed somewhere on the screen and probably fuzzed out the speakers ("all about that bass, no treble" yes) always set to max for some reason. After probably four minutes adjusting the tracking came this bland movie called "The Pagemaster." This was probably around 1995 or so because for some reason I had never heard of it before then, but what did I care? "Yay, no work for the next hour."

Me, the Pagemaster.

I suppose they put it on in "library class" because it's book-related (which now makes me angry there was no "cafeteria class" or "bathroom class" because just imagine the possibilities!). Books were cool until this movie raped them. In any case, the moment Mac gets... mac-n-cheesed... into the fantasy stuff, I started noticing something. It was just a funny feeling. There I was sitting on the floor (the floor was our chair in this school) with my trademarked big round glasses hanging off my face and my dorky dorkatron-ness, and ... quite frankly I didn't see the resemblance at the time. I guess there was a time when I still saw myself as Alan Grant or Indiana Jones. Nope! Turns out I was just the Page Master dork. 

Now I'm not claiming to be Macaulay Culkin, but the resemblance between the 8yo Me and the cartoonized version of Big Mac is downright uncanny. Judge for yourself. My friends certainly did! So, given this coincidence, what did I think of the movie? It was an hour time waster during a slow school day. I'm sure all the teachers got paid. 

Oh yeah, but for those of you asleep in the 90s, the Pagemaster was actually totally awesome and completely not lame, but don't go and watch the movie for yourself or else the movie may prove me wrong. I know the current box art makes the movie look like a Harry Potter clone to get you to pick it up by mistake when you're waiting at the K-Mart checkout, but do yourself a favor and just don't. That goes for Harry Potter as well, which totally ripped this off. Granted, at least the title "Pagemaster" sounds a little bit more badass than your average My Little Pony villain. That should be say something. (And not just that Rainbow Dash is my favorite). 

Basically the plot of the Pagemaster, for all it's cracked up to be, features a worry-wart of a dork played by Mac-Attack himself, in the flesh (though not for long). His father is upset about his son's sissyness and tries to kill him with hammers and nails and the 10 foot heights of a treehouse. So he sends the kid out to get nails. Along the way, our hero seeks refuge in a library because facing a light rain is apparently far more frightening than being kidnapped by Christopher Lloyd. That's right. Angels in the Outfield proceeds to turn Mac into a cartoon because he's "in need of a fantasy." It was at this point the movie does its best to make sure no kid will ever want to read Treasure Island, Gulliver's Travels, Jekyll and Hyde, and Moby Dick (although we all got a laugh out of that one). How do I know? Because I certainly never read any of those books (although I'm thinking of giving a second look at that Moby one). Booko-pomorphic cereal mascots voiced by Star Trek actors spouting bad puns and one liners is about all I know about literature now. Thanks movie. 

And so they go on adventures and face down various hi-jinks as they Dragons-Lair Don Bluth into a coma (or into a courthouse at least). In the end the kid fights a dragon, which was pretty badass... at least at first. That is, it was cool until I... I mean, Mac, got eaten in one fire-breath belch-inducing chomp. "I'm not scared of you!" he says. Oh the irony. The one time in his life he had a right to be ball-less. Oh well. He obviously wasn't going to breed anyway...

Oh wait. In the end, the Pagemaster shows up and Deus-Ex-Machinas Mac back into the real world, teaching him the valuable lesson of facing fears and avoiding Christopher Lloyd and libraries like herpes. The kid returns to the real world without nails. So what was this movie really getting across then? It seems obvious. Never send a guy out to get anything hardware related. This is truth. We go out for nails, we end up lost in a fantasy world, get hung up with pirates, confronted by dragons, learn about our fears, and then always seem to return home with the 12-Amp Sawzall Reciprocating Saw with the 16 blade kit. And no nails. 

Playskool Tape Recorder

Fake radio shows. News and weather. Traffic reports. Sticking the end of the microphone in your mouth and making noises. Even pirated music! All that was great, but seriously... there was never a device better suited to record your burps and farts for posterity.

Needless to say, I had one.

Hunting the Wumpus

For those who aren't in the extreme know, the TI-994a was one of the early "personal computer devices" of the 80's and was manufactured by the same people who probably made your high school calculator with all the fancy functions. I say all this in the hopes that 99% of the reading public has probably tuned out by now, so I address the rest just to the brave souls who have a special affinity from their childhood to this ancient device. The TI-994a came with an array of games that my brother and I used to while away the hours with in those early, simple years of ours, and one of our all time favorites among the Burger Times and Parsecs was this little obscure title called Hunt the Wumpus.

Hunt the Wumpus was originally a text-based game going back to the stone age, but the TI-994a had a colorful version of it, designed to bring out our collective caveman instincts. What exactly was a wumpus? It was essentially a giant mouth with legs that liked to lurk in the swamps (not unlike my ex-girlfriend), and you had to hunt it down. You basically started out on a white field and as you moved around the screen, you'd uncover a maze of pathways through the swamps tracking the near-presence of the beast who seemed to like to leave behind giant red circles (also not unlike...). Watch out though, or you could fall into the swamp. Along the way you'd also run into these bat-like creatures who'd I guess pick you up and drop you in random places--usually right into the spot where the wumpus was!

The object of the game was to make your way around in the maze, watch out for the green circles (that told you of the presence of swamps), the red circles (that told you the wumpus was nearby), and fire an arrow in the direction where you thought the wumpus might be based on the trail of his "residue" (I suppose). If he was there, then you won the game. If he wasn't and you fired an arrow, then no matter where he was on the field, he'd kill you. His big teeth would come down on the screen to the tune of Chopin's Funeral March (dun-dun-da-dun...etc) and your goose was cooked (your ASS being the goose of course, and served back to you roasted and glazed). If you fell into the swamp, you'd see a green screen where your little guy plunges into a watery death to the tune of "running your hands down the keyboard."

This game was endlessly entertaining as we fought over turns to hunt down the elusive beast, and the music played a big part in its humorous effect on us. Sometimes just seeing those big teeth come down on the screen and his grinning face was worth getting killed for and that would always crack us up. The game also had a hard mode where the maze wouldn't reveal itself as you walked around on it, but we didn't do that one very much.

It was more funner than Minesweeper. There, I said it.

Lego Pirates Ships

One of the frustrating things about Lego was the choices! We'd get to the Lego aisle and be instantly overwhelmed, wanting it all and coming away with one, but knowing all the while that whatever we came away with wouldn't disappoint, even if it was your standard Renegade's Raft or Battle Cove (both of which I know we had). Every little piece added to the Legoland mythos we were slowly building up in the bedroom. The Lego Pirates were always my favorite Lego system because they had the coolest boats and I was really into boats. Introduced in 1989, the Lego Black Seas Baracuda (pictured) had to be one of the classiest Lego products ever assembled, with its striking red-striped sails and stern-side cabin (complete with little windows), raft, real-working pulley and anchor system, plank (as in, "walk the plank!"), and two canon ports, it really just doesn't get any more cool from Lego (and that's saying a lot).

That was of course until the even more impressive Skull's Eye Schooner came along in 1993. On this one they really outdid themselves, decking it out with all the above (minus extensive stern-side cabin although it's still there), but adding taller masts, black-striped sails, and four canon ports. They even threw in a shark for good measure. So if you were lucky enough to get your hands on the best of the Legoland universe, it was still sure to be the choice of "I want both."

Then there was the more battle-rattled Red Beard Runner, which featured some more movable parts and torn up sails for combat action and functioned as the the pirate's response to the Armada Flagship. For those who don't know, the Lego Pirates system included a few spinoffs with its Imperial Armada and Islanders collections designed to give the pirates some foes to contend with and ultimately some more sets for you to buy to complete the saga. The Imperial Armada were supposed to be the "good guys," but as any swashbuckler will persuade you, the pirates were always the real good guys with the heart for adventure while the Armada was just "the Man" trying spoil the fun. That "man" (so to speak) was called Commander Broadside, the archenemy of the fierce Captain Red Beard, or so we are told. This was the equivalent of Treasure Island on my 8yo me's imagination. 

Many of the Imperial Armada sets had something to do with brigs and jails for the pirates, but they also had their own fleet of ships which weren't as impressive as the pirates of course, like the Armada Flagship (also called the Royal Warship), which only had one main mast and stern sail, one canon, and movable masts for combat, so of course you just had to have both to get any high-seas adventure going. Despite this, just the contrast of the blue-striped sails and feather-hatted, stuffed-shirted soldiers clashing with the patch-eyed reds made this also a must-have, and it's actually not as small as it looks. It was joined by the more striking Imperial Flagship, which had two canon ports and was obviously designed more to go ship-to-ship with the pirates. 2010 apparently also saw the release of an even more impressive Imperial Flagship to rival its pirate archenemy, showing just how much progress they made the first time around. You can't beat the pirates, but you can certainly try!