Scented Markers

Looking back, I don't know what they were thinking. They just wanted us huffing markers I guess. And did it work? You bet. Just pop the top and there was no force on earth that could stop me from getting that good frickin' SHIT into my nose holes, and they made my drawings smell like an acetone potpourri.  Ahhhhohhhh yeah....  just jam that little juicy wet marker tip right up my fricken nose hole and let me just.... let me just... *huffs* uuuughhhh-ohhhh yeeeeeah...  ...

The best ones were cherry (red), cinnamon (brown), and sour apple (dark green). Grape (purple) was also heavenly. None of them smelled anything like the real thing though, except licorice (black), which smelled like what it was. Yellow was lemon, but it was a very weak, sweet lemon, and sometimes the brown was also root beer. (At least it didn't smell like...)

Seriously the amount of recreational solvent present in a 12 pack of these things was almost too much for a kid, but they certainly helped me through the rigors of the day back then. The effects have been worth it. They were better than the real smells. Better than anything you do with your pants off, that's for sure. Cinnamon had just the right spice note with the paint thinner. Mint was like rolling in a meadow of fresh Isopropyl spuds. Watermelon and blueberry were potent juice swabs, sweet like xylene and benzene. And orange? Kind of like orange soda, but with subtle sweet hints of ether and methylene. Always a good combo. Put that in my nose! I'm addicted!

I may or may not have attempted to suck them, but they didn't taste anywhere near as good. And no, they didn't harm me none, just look at what I do with myself now.

Seriously, I need these in my nose... now!!

Wildberry Pop Tarts

So COOL cuz they're HOT!

Finally. After years of beating my tastebuds numb to the tune of strawberries, white frosting, and sprinkles, they introduced the Wild Berry Pop Tart some time in 1995, and Pop Tarts never looked so rad. This was a toaster pastry for a new generation! With its swirling blue lines and purple coating, it looked nothing like any food I had ever seen... like something an alien would eat, even if it didn't taste all that different.

They instantly became my Pop Tart of choice, although my all-time favorite remains the cinnamon one. The best always came covered with frosting, so that even the little edges had a drip or two running the grooves. But every now and then you'd probably get one with just a smear on the top, and usually that culprit was the plain old strawberry. These things sat at the bottom of my lunch bag for many years and I couldn't get enough of them. My mom even declared me the "Pop Tart King" after I downed four in a row (and this was back when they only had 6 per box!).

And despite the cost, I was just doing my duty. Because according to the commercial, only Kellogg's had what it took to tame the "wildberry," and they very clearly indicated that you might want to bite them before they bite you.

These days, I think I've had my fill.

Fireworks and Glowsticks!

The best part of the early summer has to be the fireworks. Every year we'd get out of school a little bit in June, and that whole week was just spent hanging out, vegging out, and getting used to not having to put up with that daily school grind for once. The days were hot, long, and spent doing... well, nothing. That was usually more my speed, as I'm a creature of comfort. But summer has to start sometime, and that was always the 4th of July. If you didn't know by now, I'm American, and I'm sorry. But... Cookouts, fireworks, and glowsticks! Let the summer begin!

Even though it's illegal here, people were always firing them off from their backyards anyways. So we might've had a local puff here or there to "ooh" at, but as evening set in, we'd set out in search of the town displays. We'd fight the miles of traffic and spend a half hour just finding a spot to park, and often get there half into it and have to find another one to go to. Grand finales could be seen from miles away, so we'd chase down any puff of color in the sky as the crackles rumbled here and there in the dark. Once or twice we'd get a little too close and the ash would actually start falling down on us (like this one time when I was sitting up in the jungle gym at a local field), and that would just rock my world! "The closer, the better!" I used to think. But my parents always kept us at a safe and car-convenient distance... sometimes my brother and I would even sit on the roof of the car to watch them.

We never prepared. Sometimes we brought a blanket to sit on, but that was it. We knew whatever we had with us we were probably going to be carrying for a mile or two, and it seemed like a good idea then to travel light. But as soon as we were down in the thick of it with everyone else, and sitting out on the grass or the concrete, I always started getting envious of all those people who had packed half their house for the event. They'd all be out there with their folding chairs, portable radios, coolers, and summertime foodstuffs, like watermelons slices and Popsicles, and it always looked a heck of a lot better than just sitting it out on the grass. But I took comfort in knowing that they were NEVER getting out of there! Hell, even we were booking it half way into the grand finale!

Probably just as exciting to the 8yo-me as the fireworks were the glowsticks, necklaces, and bracelets that used to be rolled around on the carts. These guys would come around with about a hundred of these colorful glowing loops and sell them right off their body for like, 2 bucks a pop, and all the kids went crazy for them. As soon as things started getting nice and dark, I'd start seeing other kids with two or three around their neck and couple at the wrists just twirling those brilliant reds and blues and greens in circles and throwing them in the air, and that's when I'd start begging. 

And I mean, BEGGING. I'm talking, hands clasped, on my knees... "I'll do the dishes the rest of my friggin' LIFE, mom!" kind of begging. "I'll clean my room. I'll always put the seat down. Anything! Just ONE glow ring! PLEASE!" No one ever wanted anything more than I wanted one of those glowy things. Even just one was enough. So once I FINALLY had one slung around my neck, I was officially having a good time... for the week! And then (seriously though) the kids who had dozens of them were just straight up Mussolini to me. Hell hath no fury like the envy I felt (and still feel) for the kids at these events who had parents who'd buy them half the cart of glowy-things and then set them loose around the crowds to show off how cool they were to have ALL the glowy things, because that was too cool, and it wasn't fair, and envy makes me... feel things... horrible things. 

Anyways I remember the little bubbles on the inside, and that if you snapped them or chewed on them (like I could never stop myself from doing), they'd soon start going dead, but at least a few times my brother and I would be wearing them all the way home in the dark car, twirling them around, and even sleeping with them lighting up the room. They never seemed to last very long, even later into the night, but just like the 4th of July, and summer itself, they certainly were fun while they lasted.

** Happy 4th! **

Another Scorcher!

Summer is definitely here in full swing, and you know what that means. Most likely, you can not live another day without air conditioning, and tomorrow's going to be hotter! Hotter... just like yesterday when you said you'd call Sears... but you'll call today, or right now...

You know what I'm talking about because when summer gets into gear, it probably meant sooner or later you'd be seeing that Sears air conditioner commercial with the husband/wife (or were they even married?) talking about how hot it's going to be tomorrow... "just like yesterday when you said you'd call Sears."... but you're gonna call today, or maybe right now...

You know this thing by heart because they played it for about 10 years straight, every day, in one form or another. Sometimes they played it without the "Softer Side of Sears" music, sometimes with, and sometimes they edited out the end, or stuck a new offer in the middle, but it was always the same basic commercial... the same goofy dialogue... for years and years...something you could always rely on to herald in the summer. I guess the only reason they don't play it now is because nobody still reads the paper to find out what the weather is going to be tomorrow!

For me, seeing this was like a sign that summer had officially begun, with all its talk of "hot days" and standing in front of the fridge to cool down. And as far as I know that outdoor Kenmore unit could've been shot at my rich uncle's house because his looked exactly like that. Even the red brick foundation was spot on, and the little bush right along side the screen there... wait a minute, did I play there?

You'd see a lot of these air conditioning ads popping up on the Weather Channel in the summer right next to the ones for rain tires. Sometimes it seemed like the Weather Channel was run by Trane air conditioners and the Michelin Man. Remember the slogan for that one? "It's hard to stop a Trane!" I actually got that too, because you see, "Trane" kind of sounds like "train," and they're both hard to stop, unlike Michelin tires on a wet road. I used to think "Trane" was so fierce sounding, like you weren't just getting an air conditioner, but real honkin' piece of machinery that would really bring the chill. BUTT I digress.

In the battle of the serious air conditioners, Trane would've gotten my vote when I was a kid, but while "It's Hard to Stop a Trane!" was a catchy phrase, you can't beat "Another scorcher!" 

Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Among all the greatest epics, there is Honey I Shrunk the Kids. It's no small pun to say that this film was epic in size, and yet it all took place between the backyard and the kitchen. They just made the most of everything in it... from the epic broom scene to the giant blades of grass they slide on, not to mention the friendly ant, the ride on the bee, the scorpion, the lawn mower, the sprinkler system, the cereal bowl... Rick Moranis! ...this movie is just scene after scene of death-defying goodness! ...And possibly the origin of why I used to fantasize about being shrunken down and living under my older cousin-in-law's bed (yeah, I had a cousin crush back then... slap the cuffs on me. But in my defense, I was the 8yo me, and she was a teenage chick.) 

In any case, it's all very vivid to my memory, and mainly because they really did a great job making the small world look so damn REAL (although "big" movements were still painfully slow for some reason once they shrunk)...and man did these kids get messy in this movie! If they weren't dripping wet with mud, they were soaked with giant water droplets, or covered in big yellow globs of pollen, or bathing in milk. And it all looked so real, like how it might actually be if you were that small and had to make your way across the "ten or so mile" backyard, sleeping in a Lego brick, riding down a river of grossness, and fighting off bugs along the way. The film also had good kid characters, biting each other's heads off and yet sticking it out for one another the whole way.

Each one of them almost died a number of times too, whether it was due to a ride on a bee, or getting sucked up in the lawn mower, or getting hit by the sprinkler jets, or getting hounded by a scorpion... and then they were all separated, and reunited, and that big ant "Antie" saved their lives and finally ended up paying the ultimate sacrifice (which was beyond sad). And while all of this epic stuff was happening, the bumbling Rick Moranis was combing through the yard with a magnifying glass to find them and still not making their journey any easier. One kid even almost pays the ultimate sacrifice at the end nestled inside a giant Cheerio... because of Rick Moranis!

So please, a moment of silence is due for Antie, the one (and only) thing NOT working AGAINST them in the film, whose brave sacrifice is duly remembered.

RIP Antie. 

What Would You Do?

My recent look back at Legends of the Hidden Temple forced me to instantly remember other great 90s Nick game shows, and here's one that definitely made me go, "Oh man! I totally forgot about this and now I totally remember it!" Of course you know what I'm talking about, because you're feeling it too. It was called What Would You Do? or if you prefer: "wha-wha-wha-would you... wha-wha-wha-would you... wha-wha-wah would you do?" 

This show was basically "pies and eyes." It had a lot of pies, and for some reason, a lot of creepy eyes. They were everywhere: googly eyes with lashes blinking, popping out of walls, spinning around here or there... even the title had a couple eyes in it. Very strange. After that, every episode started off with Marc Summers looking something like a Ken doll in a hypnotic dress-shirt and standing against a set looking something like a pastel comic book with splatter paint and leopard skin patterns and random shapes. He'd tell us where the heck we were, and then we'd enter the "bouncing-ovaly-eyes-against-neon-green-polygons" dimension (what they normally call an "acid trip"), and we'd see shots of Marc gargling the air, dressing as a banana, and painting a French mustache on his face all screwed up. "You're doing it wrong!" 

The audience was a pool of funky neon, tucked-in bulky shirts, pink scrunchies, white shorts, and bare legs, and you'd spend so much time looking at them in the running time that you'd actually begin to tell them apart from one another. Who was wearing the weird costumes and who was wearing the normal clothes? It's impossible to know these days. The people back there were just a stack of colors, stripes, and poka dots, with fanny packs and plastic visor hats as far as the eye could see. Blinding to look at, but always eager to stand up, accept a challenge, and get a pie to the face. Seriously, at this point, what planet was this show beamed in from?

Step on up to the Wall O' Stuff!

As to what it was actually about... I'll fill you in as soon as I know (controlled substances may be needed). But from what I can piece together, it seemed to be about kids torturing their parents in various ways that usually involved humiliating tasks and every possible way to put a cream pie into someone's face. And I really mean that. This show started a pie-face contraption industry. It had the "Pie Pod," the "Pie Slide," the "Pie Pendulum," the "Pie in the Sky," the "Pie Roulette," the "Pie Wash," AND the "Pie Coaster." But you could only take one of these things for a spin by picking a number and retrieving a card out of the trippy and colorful doors on the "Wall O' Stuff." Afterwards, those cream pies probably tasted pretty good, especially pasted to your shoulders and dripping off your chin.

Simply put, this show was idiot TV as high art, but sure fun enough if you were the kid who got to see his dad dress as a bee, strap a stinger to his can, and try to sit on a series of balloons to pop them. You know if he makes ten in 60 seconds, he'll look like an idiot, and if he doesn't, he'll get to go sit in the Pie Pod and have a pie launched at his face. Sounds radical doesn't it? And I guess the show gets its name from the segment where kids had to decide whether to get a pie to the face or do what was written on a card strapped to their head... or maybe it had something to do with what number door you'd open in the Wall O' Stuff, but who really knows? Usually getting the pie to the face was the better option because half the time the card had them eating the sauerkraut and jelly bean sandwich. Yuck.

Still don't get it? What can I say, it was the 90s!

Ecco 2: The Tides of Time

In the vast ocean of otherwise mediocre Sega Genesis games, only about one or two really spoke to me that didn't have anything to do with a blue hedgehog or Jurassic Park. One of them was the insanely classic and insanely hard Ecco the Dolphin 2: The Tides of Time. I never played the first one, so I have no idea about it, but this one had mystical crystals and teleportation rings and time traveling dolphins with super telekinetic powers. It was as New Agey as it gets, and even the soundtrack often sounded lifted from one of those Pure Moods samplers... but man was it awesome. After Free Willy, all the girls were into marine biology suddenly, and somehow so was I. But sue me because dolphins are F'kin Awesome! Mystical, magical, and SUPER-intelligent...  like girls!

I loved dolphins. They were my favorite animal and it might've been because of this game, I'm not sure, but this game had sharks and squids and turtles and orcas and just everything cool about the ocean. Every level had some kind of shipwreck in it too, and how the ships got down there was no mystery seeing as giant jagged rocks were basically everywhere. Even Ecco could barely move around underwater without slamming into something and making that painful "squeaking" sound that used to drive me crazy! Play this game for two minutes and all you hear is *squeak* *squeak* *squeak*...etc. I mean, ouch already!

The other thing that used to drive me crazy about this game is just how LONG it is, and how HARD some of these levels ended up being. Take "Tube of the Medusa" for instance. Thanks to the fact that you have no lives, I spent hours sometimes trying to get around that giant squid monster and only ended up getting chucked back time and time again. And when you get chucked out of the sky tube, you fall back TWO LEVELS EACH TIME and have to work your way all the way back up every time you screw up EVEN ONCE... it's nearly impossible! Also, as soon as you lose your powers and have to start surfacing for air and looking for bubbles, the game becomes a constant challenge. My brother and I never beat it. We didn't even come close.

But is it a great game? Of course! This game inspired me to invent all kinds of stories around those super-intelligent dolphins, and many a backyard make-believe focused on playing Ecco like we were making a movie version of it or some kind of weird role play. The game was so movie-like already. It did what it was supposed to do and made the ocean mystical and magical, and though it was hard as hell and involved a LOT of "back and forth a hundred times between two points collecting stuff", it was at least imaginative along the way. Any time I got in a swimming pool, I was playing Ecco.

Of course I used to pronounce it "EE-co" for some reason. It took me years to figure it out: "oh... echo... I get it." I can't say I was super-intelligent of course. I was not a dolphin. Or a girl.