Something Else Worth Being Alive For...

A E S T H E T I C
Any kid of the 90s knows how popular America's Funniest Home Videos actually was... in the 90s. Perhaps just as popular as "home movies" were. But unlike "home movies," apparently America's Funniest Videos (or AFV) never went away... like the original theme song... which is still tattooed into my brain forever. It was stage two of what would eventually become Bob Saget's final form, half way between Danny Tanner and Funny Bob Saget. But apparently, while camcorders and "sending your VHS tape to the PO Box on your screen" don't exist anymore, what does still exist (besides the theme song on rotation in my head) is the hallmark of their video adulation: namely, dudes of all stripes... getting whacked in the nuts.

Some things never change!

Yeah, they did other things, and yeah, now we got Tosh.0 and Ridiculousness... but those are explicitly adult shows. With AFV, there was always something so much more charming about the whole family being able to gather together around the TV, prime time ABC, and enjoy a nice wholesome home movie, perhaps... of a dad and son... havin' a catch ... only for dad to end up on the ground, holding his groin. Or brother and sister... havin' a sparring match in the living room... only for brother to end up sterile for life.

Ahh... the memories.

So, in the spirit of looking back, the geniuses over at AFV (now sans saxophone intro) compiled 600 groin shots in 600 seconds from across the years of user-generated content submitted to the show, once stored deep in their archives, now unearthed once again as the marvel that it is... proving yet again that... yes, guys getting whacked in the nuts is still funny.

And so... without further adieu, AFV brings you, for your viewing enjoyment... "600 Groin Shots in 600 Seconds"...


How is this show still on the air? Because some things... never get old

Bushwhacked

Why? Because it's time for some good ole Bush. Back in 1995, I was a 9-year-old boy, and two things happened. The all-time best Jumanji movie came out ("What year is it??"), and the best all-time movie about being a Boy Scout came out. What a two-fer!  But as Jumanji was a better movie (and as such has gone on to be something of a nostalgia bait-and-switch "franchise" in recent years), the little scouting movie called Bushwhacked has remained, thankfully, largely unscathed. In fact, like Daniel Stern's career afterwards, it seems to have almost disappeared. Unlike his career though, this one is fondly remembered. I am one of those braves, because I happened to be a scout at the time (and proud of it), so you better believe that I blew chunks over this movie. This was like "you know you're a scout if..." kind of humor, and I just sat there the whole time saying "yup!" and eating it up ... most likely along with my boogers.

Wow mom! A movie about boy scouts! And hey, it's... that guy! Yeah, the dumber half of the "Wet/Sticky Bandits," and he's roughing it with a bunch of scouts while on the run from the law? That's the one to rent! It was a hoot. And yeah, Daniel Stern was just right for this. Jim Carrey might've been able to pull it off, but it would've been too cartoony. Daniel Stern gets in the mugging just fine, but also adds a little touch of risque menace as well, which really sells it. You might say a little of that mugging goes a long way, but you're not the 9-year-old me. Being nine and being a scout, this Daniel Stern vehicle was so far up my alley at the time that it might as well have tried to take me behind a tree at Jamboree! (Yeah, I know, bad joke... but come on! This movie is begging for it now, especially given the baggage of time that the BSA has absorbed.) Seriously, after the BSA molest-athon that was the 80s and 90s... they decided to smarten up and let GIRLS join the "Boy Scouts" because apparently there were too many penises and not enough cookies, and too many penises is always a recipe for disaster (And for more cookies? Sounds like a good trade off to me.), and oh yeah, because the Girl Scouts won't mind.... *fart noise*

As for the plot, Daniel Stern plays a bumbling loser named Marv... oh wait... wrong movie. He plays a bumbling loser named Max Grabelski, a delivery man who is falsely accused of murder and has to go on the run from the cops. He takes off for the woods to retrieve evidence that will clear his name, but along the way he gets mistaken as some kind of "famous scout leader" Jack "Spider" Erickson, who is expected to take a band of boy scouts on an overnight into the woods. In a monumental feat of incompetence that sadly must've been the norm for the BSA back in the day (given what we know now), the clueless parents send their kids off with Max into the woods on that very overnight (assuming he's the scoutmaster they're expecting), a task which Max (desperate to not be found out) reluctantly accepts. Then, despite his attempts to shake the kids off at every turn, his ad hoc outdoor advice to mask his ruse, and their relentless fawning over him as their scouting messiah, the stage is set for some stupid good ole' hijinks in the woods, and a lot of Daniel Stern's trademarked mugging.

Seriously though, after an extended opening credits sequence inexplicably spoofing "Saturday Night Fever" (which I never got until now)... as a kid, this movie had me at "Sno Balls". I absolutely loved those things as a kid, and I too would often just jam the entire things in my mouth in one bite. But I digress...

Early on in the movie, it's revealed that these boys are... kinda lame ("Gordy! You're supposed to get your cooking badge by roasting a porcupine with a magnifying glass!"). Yeah. Like that. In fact, we're intro'ed to them climbing what appears to be a rocky cliff, but a quick camera swirl reveals that they're... just crawling horizontally across their driveway. Haha! So lame! I definitely got it though. It's hard to be a Dork Scout... having the other kids egg you on to "get it together" because you failed to get a certain badge on time like the rest of the troop... etc. That's real shit when you're a scout. But these yahoos are just a goonsquad of overprotected pussies (and coming from Yours Truely, Dorkus Maximus here, that's saying something). So ball-less are they that the fact that a girl is joining their ranks doesn't even seem to faze them. As soon as she jumps in the mini-van with them for the trip, they all kind of just go "nice... finally!" As in, finally they have someone... capable... joining their ranks! Woke? Nope. Just dorks.

The Girl doesn't even do any classic "told you so'ing" in the movie, and for all in tents and purposes, pretty much becomes "one of the guys" for the rest of the movie, with one exception. It's kind of a missed opportunity for some "girl power!" stuff, or something, but whatever. All the kids start to blend together as the thing goes on anyways.

Like Ace Ventura movies, do yourself a favor and don't even worry about the plot, or the characters. This movie is a hijinks check sheet. Bear chase scene? Check! Rickety rope bridge scene? Check! Waterfall action scene? Check! Cliff climbing scene? Check! Tree climbing scene? Check! Sexual innuendo scene? Check! Beehive sting scene? Check! Peeing in the woods scene? Check! Inconceivably stupid schmaltzy ending? Check! Fart jokes? Check! I'm sure there's a nut shot in there somewhere too. And this even extends to the characters. The kids are your basic checklist as well. You got your foul-mouthed cool rebel kid (with backwards hat of course), your Scout-Code-spouting dork virgin (wearing glasses of course), your wide-eyed tenderfoot, your lardbutt (who is fat), and your girl (who is a girl). All they needed was Token Black to complete the checklist. And at first, while they still think this guy is their actual scoutmaster, they do seem to be nothing more than a bunch of mindless idiots, gleefully following this random werido around while marching along and chanting songs their moms wrote for them:

"We're Troop 12, the scouts' top crew!
We're honest, kind, and real fun, too!
We yell hurrah, we yell hooray!
We run and dance and sing and play!
We do good deeds, we help our friends..."

Max: "Alright! Alright!! Knock it off!! What is that?? We run and dance and sing and PLAY?" Kid: "My mom kinda wrote the words...."  Max: "Well they suck! OK?!"

This really hits home. Every Cub Scout and Boy Scout thing I was involved in was overwhelmingly run by moms... and you know... there was a lot of lame, cissy, ball-less, soulless, bubble-wrapped, very un-boyish stuff they'd often have us do... clearly because all our moms were misandrists who wished we were girls instead! (Hi mom!) But yeah, I could totally relate to their sorry plight. And maybe, just maybe, a guy like Max is someone these sheltered brats need to show 'em the real ropes, right? Well, soon enough the kids start to suspect that this guy isn't their real scoutmaster, because believe it or not, he doesn't know a spruce from a deuce, and he chain smokes like a chimney (seriously guy, forest fires are no laughing matter).

"Please don't kill us Mad Max!"
Well, once the reality of their actual kidnapping becomes clear back on the ground (the news even nicknames him "Mad Max Grabelski"), the kids find out over a makeshift radio that they are indeed THE kids who were kidnapped! And as the authorities are called in, the kids end up getting trailed by their actual scoutmaster, a man they know as "Spider" ...a gung-ho scouting-marine who raw-dog shaves with a friggin' machete from the front of his military-grade Jeep (awww yeah, hoo-rah... yay masculinity!), and a crooked cop who turns out to be in on the money laundering scam that framed Max to begin with. The kids attempt smoke signals in the hopes of a rescue, but it doesn't go well. The real "Spider" does indeed see them, but they spell out "BELP! BELP!" ... (Kids: "No! It's two long, two short!" "Well what am I supposed to do? Cross that letter out??"). Then things get pretty dark as the kids even try to poison their kidnapper by drugging his canteen with their medications... but hilarity and body horror ensues instead.

Actually, it's refreshing how quickly the scouts go from blissful ignorance to "holy shit, this guy is a fugitive and we need help" to "please don't kill us Mad Max!!" ...all on the way towards Max's hamfisted personal redemption and the kids' inevitable Stockholm's syndrome. The movie actually seems like it's setting up to be a black comedy, but then we get to the, um, bonding. "Hey guys, maybe this guy isn't so bad after all..." definitely sets in, as they go from misadventure to misadventure in the woods, to which Max bumbles his way each time towards the Herculean task of ensuring their safety, proving his innocence, and promoting the growth of their self confidence... and balls... (including the girl)... You know, basically doing what scouting was supposed to be doing all along...

Be Prepared.
"I'm Superstud!" ... is what Max gets the frightened dork scout to say to coax him across the rickety rope bridge while the kid's shitting himself in fear. Indeed, it's something I probably said once or twice to coax myself to jump off a diving board or ride a chairlift. It's a charming scene for sure about learning courage, but does saying that work? Probably not as much as chanting "I have a big penis"... but I guess they had to somehow make this PG. As a dork myself, I too know the importance of lying to yourself. (Sorry kid.) And indeed, Max's good ole fashioned "fireside sex talk" with the kiddies should also be required viewing by all kids due to its hilarity and its accuracy, both in its eye-opening Barbie-Ken doll orgasmic cacophony (thanks Girl), and its aftermath ("And then the man smokes a cigarette, watches a little Leno, and goes to sleep..."). Or how about the girl's bra-slingshot?! And they said girls can't be good scouts! "Be prepared" I always say!

Plus, this great lecture on the (very real) importance of pine cones, by Dork Kid... with associated shenanigans:



Great stuff, right? Well, there's more. How about the cliff climbing scene, which truly becomes death defying in the most Boy Scout way possible ("Dude, did you just rip one?" "No." "Yes, you did! You stink! Hey I can't climb behind this guy anymore!" "Don't make me climb down there guys!"). Haha! Seriously kid, you don't fart while scaling a cliff one by one in a line. That's in the manual. Or how about the hilarious scene where dork kid stops to assure Max (now suspended over a chasm as the scouts crawl across his back) that he should be able to "hold out" for 3 more minutes, to which Max strains in reply: "good... then TAKE YOUR TIME!"... Or what about the scene of Max coming to the rescue of... Other Kid... (Gordy) dangling off the edge of a cliff by a cracking pine tree ("I'm just a delivery guy!!"). Or heck, even as Max is trying to untie Gordy's mother later on, who had been tied up by the bad guys (Max: "What kind of knot is this??"  Man's voice: "It's a clove hitch..."  Max: "Thank you!"  Bad Guy: "I learned it in the scouts..."). Hahahaha!

(Btw, that def wasn't a clove hitch... just sayin'...)

And of course, how could the 9-year-old me not revel in the poetry on display:


Shake your lizard, let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard!
Now a sword-fight! Go! En guard! 
Eat your veggies, eat your starches,
Lean back boys! Golden arches! 

Didn't I say this was an accurate portrayal of being in the Boy Scouts? That's heartwarming stuff right there. As well as the punchline: "Hey Spider, we just pissed on some guys!"

It's funny... because it's real. 

Anyways, enough fun stuff. Back to the "plot." Spoilers, but after some standoffs and action scenes, and with the eventual help of their actual scoutmaster (who had been handcuffed around a... very tall tree... and somehow manages to "Marine" his way up and over it in the course of a night!!), Max is able to clear his name, get on all the good guys' good graces, and walk free, despite all the obvious. But even more importantly (now that we're all invested as an audience), having decided to protect these kids from the real bad guys who are just inexplicably evil suddenly ("and after you're done killing him, kill the kids!"), he's finally able to prove, to himself, that he's maybe not so much a "loser" after all. Aww shucks, right? And yeah, I guess he... has some kind of impact on the kids to "toughen them up" and make "real men" (and "woman") out of them from their sheltered, millennial, 90s, helicopter parent'ed lives... which I assume is good. This is enough of a stretch, but then the clincher. For having survived an overnight with this would-be fugitive wingnut, the kids get promoted to "First Class Eagle" (which is BULLSHIT AND WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE, and I KNEW THAT EVEN AS A KID!!)... And then, even more shockingly, this guy... despite the fact that he should be in jail even if he was innocent of murdering the guy... gets appointed as their new scoutmaster... "poof" ... just like that... and then gets "orders" to take them ALL on an overnight to Yosemite... and you just gotta say... NO WONDER THE SCOUTS GOT SUED SO MUCH!

I mean, sure, he saved their lives, but he also almost got them all killed... ah, whatever. The movie's over.

Obviously it's played for laughs, but it's the kind of non-sequitur ending you're not even sure is real because it's just soooo over the top schmaltzy that even me, as DUMB as I was as a kid, knew this would NEVER HAPPEN and that this guy would be in JAIL for this shit.

But then again, it was the Boy Scouts, and it was the 90s...

Anyways... This was a fun movie. And a great thesis for why, yeah, boys should never be allowed to join the Girl Scouts...
Shake your lizard. Let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard.,
Now a sword fight. Go! En garde!

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=bushwhacked
Shake your lizard. Let it drain!
Move your hips and spell your name!
Send it straight and send it hard.,
Now a sword fight. Go! En garde!

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=bushwhacked

90s Facts of Life that Are No More

Sometimes you'll come across something that you know used to be just a fact of life but now seems like a remnant from another world. All of the following are 90s facts of life that are no more, officially, for better or worse.

Fuzzy toilets. (Trigger warning! People who were traumatized by Look Who's Talking may need to skip this) Remember how toilets used to be fuzzy? At some point they were all shaved, which was probably for the best, seeing as toilet rugs' only purpose was to get wet and soiled. Especially between me and my brother! Our war on toilets saw no end and many deaths! I mean, what was the point of putting the plush "carpet" on the toilet lid? Just in case you want to be comfortable while you're sitting there getting a splinter taken out or a Bandaid put on? And then how are you supposed to use the shelf in back if it's all fluffed out? At least they could've put the plush carpet on the toilet SEAT... you know, just for comfort, but no. That would've made too much sense. Present status: non-existent.

Satellite-dish chairs? (Or whatever they were called.) How about these sliding, two-piece, kiddie Venus fly traps? So inviting, but when you try to climb in, the whole thing shifts and dumps you out. But if you do succeed at scaling in, holding onto the rim without pinching your fingers as the thing shifts violently beneath your weight, you'll probably end up falling into its pillowy bowl center, never to be seen again. But, at least it was great to be able to trap siblings underneath and then go and sit on top.  And then once you were in, this thing was your throne. If you did succeed at getting into it, you're probably still there as you read this. Just stay absolutely still... it can't know you're sitting in it if you don't move! Present status: non-existent.

Fake plants a la mode! As long as they're not real. I enjoy plants. I enjoy the free oxygen. I even had a pet cactus as a kid. It died because I over-watered it. What I don't enjoy about plants? Treating them as though they were living things. I loved the rain forest as a kid, and fake plants were a way to bring the biome... home, although almost exclusively reduced to the "palm tree and fern" variety. Remember the coconut fibers or wood chips they used to be potted in? I must have stole a hundred of them from the doctor's office. Present status: everywhere dead malls can be found... or forever existing in a landfill somewhere. What's the difference anyways. I mean, "you got plants in this building... you pick them because they look good... but these are aggressive living things and they will defend themselves... violently if necessary." --Dr. Ellie Sattler, Paleobotanist

"Entertainment centers" that looked like something out of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Knobs and blinking lights everywhere. I seriously think HAL 9000 was just a JVC VHS sitting on top of a silver stereo. Want to have some 90s kid fun? Press random buttons, and see what happens! I suppose that was the 80-90s equivalent of the Ipad. Want to watch a movie? Well, you gotta get a scientist or tech support to figure it all out, all for the tape to jam, the tracking to be off, or for it to be on the wrong channel anyways. "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that." Besides, the old VCR ports didn't play cookies all that good. Present status: non-existent.


Torch floor lamps, or just... floor lamps in general. Present status: confined to therapy waiting rooms. I would know. Moving on.






Wood-paneled ceiling fans. They were literally in every house. Now they just look scary-looking. They looked like mosquitoes or giant spiders just perched up on the ceiling. They never actually cooled the room down, but they certainly confused people about just what string to pull to get the lights and/or the fan. They made nap time entertaining at my babysitter's place. Present status: quarantined to mobile homes and your aunt's house.

Right now there is a plot to cover up the very existence of indoor wicker furniture. Present status: "never existed, your memories are false! --CIA"

And John Hughes movies.

Enough said.

Mid90s Review

Whodah thought Jonah Hill had it in him? Watching Mid90s recently (because let's face it, I kinda had to eventually) was downright painful, harkening back to a simpler time of kid cruelty... big brother asswipes, good friends turned bitter enemies over something as trivial as some other kid giving you mad props, trying to be "cool" in the eyes of the world at the cost of your bodily and spiritual integrity... and Nintendo Game Boys. (Oh I 'member Game Boys! They were fantastic!) Yeah this movie was painful to watch, like, "hockey puck to the nuts" painful, but only because it was so f'ing TRUE. (And not in the "wazzzuuuup?" kind of way). It's chock full of the kind of inevitable childhood foibles and follies you've repressed that probably traumatized you, which makes it real, and real good emotive stuff. So along with the references and callbacks to that glazed-over, fondly "membered" 90s of orange-splat Nickelodeon and Blast-Processed Genesis/SNES, this movie was painful to watch because while watching it, in ways only someone who has been a kid trying to prove himself can attest, all I could think was "yeah... I remember that."

Kids are f-ing cruel, and this story doesn't pull any punches. In fact, the opening shot involves this kid getting jacked in his home by his older brother. "Ooof!" And so we follow this kid from LA in the year 1995, a year I mostly remember for being the year Jumanji came out (mainly because the girl said it was 1995 in the movie... "what year is it??" indeed). His name's Stevie and he's about 12 or so, and absolutely caught up in that whole urban, street-craze rough skate culture right at the time when it was at its Road Rash, classic Tony Hawk zenith. Of course he and his gang dream of one day "going pro," but are usually found nursing their wounds. BUTT... this ain't no throwback "RADICAL!" or "Cowabunga" "skater" flick with Dom Deluise voice acting a talking magical skateboard (Skateboard Kid anyone?)... this is a movie about the very demographic those 90s kid movie cash grabs were ostensibly "made for." Dumb boys with boners for ex-celennnnt tricks and gnarly wipe outs! Wasted in the x-TREME man! Yeah... These adolescents are more human and down to Earth than typical movie skater boys, and more like the genuine article than perhaps any other depiction of them thus far, realistic and relateable, but also deeply flawed and vulnerable, desperate for something to cling to and protect them... but still pretty dumb.

Like most boys, Stevie's life is simple: wake up, get your ass beat by your OJ-chugging, ganja'ed out, butthead big brother (the kind who probably has another daddy, farts in your face, and tells you his penis is bigger than yours on the reg but you still kinda look up to him for it anyway), get bitched out in public by your deadbeat single mom (who was obviously date-raped at some point in her past and you know it, and is probably yelling at you to get to school because she doesn't know it's the weekend), ditch school anyway (because it's not the weekend), yell racial and homophobic slurs at cops, get called a "faggot" by your "friends" for not executing a perfect Ollie while holding an M15 for street cred and impregnating and subsequently slapping the nearest group of high-skirted, halter-topped hos in the inevitable vicinity... spend time at a skateboard shop just scoping out the scene and getting called a "poser" for wearing a hat the wrong way, then come home, get bitched at by your mom again for being late and how "she doesn't know you anymore," and then get your nightly pummeling in the nuts by big bro who's calling you a homophobic slur again for drinking his prized OJ (and for having a smaller penis). All that, and yeah, Game Boys were a thing. 'Member Game Boys?! Whhhoaaaa! It really is the story of every 90s kid!

Given all this, you can start to understand why skateboarding is so important to Stevie, and why trying to find purpose and connection with other skaters in the pecker-order of that crowd may just be his only shot at escaping his own "90s kid!!" experience. (If only we all had been so lucky.)

In any other Jonah Hill movie, this kid and his group of friends (which probably would've included Jonah Hill, and probably did behind the scenes) would've just been a bunch of dimwitted, pussy-obsessed, stoner, loser skaters, ditching school, cracking gay jokes, getting stoned, getting drunk, and striking out at gettin' some. But this movie shows us this typical "goon squad" in a bit more of a, well, human light, doing all of the above, but doing it like actual teenage boys do it. There's Reuben, who is the youngest (until Stevie enters and trumps him in the hierarchy). There's Ray and Fuckshit, who are the oldest in the group and therefore the most radical skaters this side of the Rockies (and I mean, everything east of the Rockies) and so naturally pretty much rule Reuben and Stevie's worlds with both their stoner wisdom and headcracking stunts, plus the presumed mondo-ness of their genitalia. Then there's Fourth Grade, the quiet type who films stuff, and not on his phone. No. He uses actual "film."

In all their bone-headed and yet charming exploits, the film does a good job of what it's like to grow up as a dude within that urban-type environment and at that particular time in kid culture, with all it's pros and cons on display and not a hint of judgement or commentary attached to it. So allow me to comment on it. (Spoilers be here!)

Stevie struggles to be accepted by his raggedy skater clique, even spending all kinds of money to pimp out his skateboard with something he thought was so cool until a "cooler" kid than him, Reuben, informs him that what he thought was cool was actually lame, and he would know, because he's cool and his skateboard is so much cooler, obviously (damn, that's pretty sound kid logic right there). Stevie struggles to make any name for himself he can with these guys and you really believe he would literally do anything, ANYTHING, no matter how low, criminal, self-destructive, or even whorish or dehumanizing, to get so much as a Y-shaka sign from any of them (damn millennials, always thinking they're entitled to being accepted among the cool kids). This is until he stages a concussion for himself by skating off a roof, landing several feet down onto a table, no helmet. While he's sitting there bleeding from his brain, his chosen set of dudes understandably welcomes him into the fold as one of the gang and confer on him that much-needed "cool" status that every 90s boy needed to survive. But his rapid ascension in the ranks also raises the ire of his one-time best friend Reuben (who was only his friend as long as he could lord his own street cred over Stevie's bushy head), since now Reuben is the one all the guys are cutting down to size and calling a "faggot." Loyalties rapidly shift, as even Stevie now partakes in the denunciation of Reuben and his very status as a male. Does this shit ring a bell? Sounds like the 90s childhood I remember!

Stevie's rise to the top only gets all the more cemented among his peers the night he's invited to a teen party to get wasted with the gang (again, sounds like a dream come true). While at the party, he awkwardly fumbles his way through a conversation with a halter-topped teen girl who is very much his senior, meanwhile trying to act suave while drunk and understandably hiding his erection at the very idea that a chick that hot would even be acknowledging his pubescent existence (the way I would've at that age... or even now). But unlike any chick I've ever embarrassed myself in front of, this one decides that it's time enough for our little boy Stevie to become a man and give him what every boy his age could only dream of getting from someone like her. So she drags him into a back room where she totally... yeah... despite being quite a few years older. (And as South Park so eloquently put it... "Nice...") Emerging entranced and euphoric from that, presumably a full minute later (he's a pubescent boy and she was hot, come on, it couldn't haven taken long), he gets the admiration and commendation of his whole gang who know he just totally scored. His "man card" is officially in the mail. Masculinity unlocked, amiright?

This newfound confidence though brings with it troubles at home. Sure, he now has the cajones to stand up to his big brother and even steal his OJ, but that only means he gets his ass whooped within a pinch of his life even harder because now his brother is "concerned" about him. Suddenly, even his brother is starting to think he's hanging out with the wrong crowd (and that's saying something), but only because beating his ass took more effort this time than it should've. But what's worse, he gets chewed out by his bitch mom and is forbade to converse with any of them at the skateboard shop. But come on... this "bad crowd" got him status and got him laid within the course of a few WEEKS! What has his mother or brother ever done for him? And so, the final act is set up for a confrontation between the forces of evil at home dragging him down into unhinged mediocrity with them, and the forces of good out on the streets who are giving him purpose, connection, camraderie, and getting him laid with smokin' older chicks (who also literally be smokin').

Nice...

All in all, it's everyboy's tale (well, except with the actually having sex part), with a bit more period-specific homophobia thrown in. Why it's called Mid90s, why it even really needs to be set in the 90s, other than for possible Jonah Hill autobiographical cues, is kind of a mystery to me, but its setting and the promise of getting to see the year 1995 depicted in all its glory certainly got me to give it a view. Despite all the heavy stuff, it's actually still a fun romp. Its nostalgia is not a punch to the gut like other recent movies (Captain Marvel, I'm looking at you!). No lingering shots of "Blockbuster Video"... no stupid references to Furbies or Gel Pens or Dial Up Modems whatevers. It's nostalgia is more of a painful reminder of just how damn hard it is to be a kid, and why, when you were one, you wanted to grow up and not be one so damn bad! Relateable much?

You On Kazoo!

Some things you get nostalgic about are things you were lucky never to have seen when you were a kid, but you know exactly what it is when you see it because there was so much like it back in the day. And there was. The amount of weird direct-to-video VHS tapes that were pumped out in the 80s and 90s on every conceivable (and inconceivable) topic in existence can not be overstated. At a time before smart phones, anything you could put in a VCR was a parent's best friend to shut us up for a half hour... and they sold very well, although the quality of content is now... well, you know... the stuff that memes are made of. 

At first all I knew about the "Kazoo kid" was that he was a 90s kid meme goldmine. All I can say is, when I first saw "You On Kazoo" it was a few years ago on Youtube, and it genuinely, legitimately, horrified me. Not only did this kid look and behave pretty much like the 8-year-old me (as cringey as that is by itself), but I actually began getting more and more unnerved as the minutes wore on, and had to shut it off, convinced that there is real evil in this world and that it will possess you if you let it. To this day I haven't been able to watch the whole thing, plus some of this kid's other direct-to-video works which are just as terrifying, without getting legitimately, genuninely, creeped-the-fuck out... 

So here you go! Just don't look him in the eyes. You've been warned. 


So just what from the depths of hell ARE you watching? Well, what if I told you that everyone involved in the production of these videos was found ritualistically sacrificed in that very same field? Hmm? Well, then I'd be lying to you because that didn't happen, but after watching this, you'd believe it, right? And what if I told you you'd be next? You can thank me later. Seriously... I just keep waiting for the kid to go, "seven days..." 

Now I'm sure there's a perfectly silly and fun dorky kid cash-grab VHS rationale behind all of this cringe and genuine horror, and yeah, maybe the guy who played "the Kazoo kid" or "Brett" as he calls himself (Brett Ambler) came out in recent years to tell the story of just how these direct-to-VHS 1989 creepypastas came to be. And yeah, it's nice to know he's doing alright and proud of his work when he was an 8-year-old dork himself, but still...

Sometimes you just have to get the spirit to come out... partner...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...