Super Soakers aren't "Squirt Guns"

Who you callin' "Squirt"?

For all of human history, guys have taken joy in shooting things at other things... whether it was the bow and arrow, the slingshot, the cap gun, the paintball, the BB gun, or... whatever other long, cylinder-shaped, obvious-metaphor-for-something-else your mind will inevitably (and correctly) include. The joy of it goes back to our origins as hunters (I'm guessing), but over time it evolved into sport, and then into shooting harmless substances at each other for kicks. A useful skill, I know, but then again, seen any mammoths lately? (And yeah, before I get gunned down, I know girls are into projectile weaponry too, it's just... for some reason it's just dumber that guys are, like pretty much everything.)

See, besides the obvious built-in "gun appendage" strapping young lads could always have fun squirting off with (distance contest anyone?), they might've also been given the classic slingshot, usually so they could make themselves useful killing small rodents on the family farm. When this was no longer necessary, the weaponry became more of a toy... all the fun of sling-shotting rodents but without the unnecessary cruelty. Besides, now you could take aim at your friends! And so, in the 1950s, we had the introduction of the cap gun, the "burp" gun, the "BRAAP!" gun (both ends represent!), and the BB gun as the quintessentially sexist "boys toys." But despite the look, the sound, and the feel of a death machine at your fingertips, the fire power was still all imaginary. So in the 80s, Sega and Nintendo developed video game shooters, and most notably Duck Hunt, using a gun-based controller to make the carnage look a little more real... but still, nothing actually came out of the gun. The evolution of toy weaponry had yet to mature beyond making funny noises, broken skin, and make believe. We were still shooting blanks.

So enter the early 90s, and the generations'-long desire to shoot your friends in the back for fun (without causing injury like a paintball or BB does) was finally unlocked! Yes, there were "squirt guns," but please. Please! Mine's bigger! The early 90s did have one major innovation in the history of toy weaponry, and it was the SUPER SOAKER. Way better and badder, and therefore more awesome, the original Super Soaker, released in 1990, could hold about 1 liter of water and fire it a good 50 feet! It also finally looked like a pretty badass futuristic "gun" like you'd expect in a Predator movie or something. The major innovation of the Super Soaker was that, unlike squirt guns, it had a "pumping action," which not only made you look like a badass Rambo-warrior when you were out prancing around the backyard with it, but also compressed the water so that when it actually did fire, it would explode like MJ at a Chuck E Cheese! And when you got hit with these jets, you were bound to be streaked and squishy-heeled in short order!

Thus, the ultimate in toy weaponry was finally achieved in our lifetimes, and the world was not safe from the chemical warfare about to be unleashed. Sure, H2O is recommended, but you could put anything in them things, even piss. The male psyche never surprises, and the circle was complete.

Over the years these things just got bigger and meaner, holding more water and firing it farther and farther distances, with all kinds of accessories, like lazor guides and multiple shots with less pumping and easier "pump" refill (much easier than having to take the water jug off!), but whatever form they took, these things just about ruled whatever birthday party I was ever invited to. Once the guns were dusted off from the garage, there was no stopping the blitzkrieg... until they had to be reloaded of course. And so it was that after decades where toy weapons were only for target practice, kids were finally allowed to use other kids as the bullseye, thanks to this device. Boys will be boys, but only because a little water never hurt anyone.

But do yourself a favor and stop calling these things "squirt guns." I had many of those small see-through plastic pistol-shaped squirters with the push-button trigger, and I don't even see how they can be compared. Every squirt gun I ever had only carried about a cup of water at most, and it only fired it about a foot or two. Please. Totally not manly. You maybe got one or two decent tiny squirts out of it before you had to pour water down that impossibly tiny hole in the top or submerge the thing and wait for it to "glub glub" its way to being stocked. There's no question that the Super Soaker and its band of clones blew the squirt gun out of the water.

Wetter is better indeed. And bigger is better.