In-Line Roller-blades

Rad (adj.): see above.

Don't call 'em roller-skates, these bad boys are "blades". Since the first couple spins I took around the block in my old blades, back in the mid-90s, I don't think I've ever been able to sit quite right. Wearing these things was like learning how to walk all over again, only this time with eight wheels under your feet and a break at your heel. Come across any slope, or even just a gradual downturn or pebble, and you'll quickly find yourself careening out of control... BUTT I guess that's what your BUTT is for (...nature's impact absorber). Now if only I wore a helmet...
 
Seriously, after your first 200-something falls, you do get the hang of it, and then you'll be damned if you can go without them. The steady ground below your feet, the presence of "friction,"... it just no longer felt right. "If the good lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller-skates..." said the great candy man, and I got to agree... except for the "roller-skates" part... (these things are too X-TREME!! to be "skates"). In any case, I think I went through a period in my life around the age of 10 where these were just the natural extension of my feet. I lived on wheels. My blades sat by the side door, so if I was going anywhere... "I--was--roll-ing!" (Forrest Gump everybody!)

Not me, but damn close!

At one point I could do everything in blades, like climb up and down stairs, use the bathroom (yes!), ride around on a trampoline (kids, don't try that at home), or fly down even the steepest sloping cul-de-sacs... (coming back up was a whole different story though). I even got up the guts to trick out a bit on the local half-pipe at the park, but only the kiddy one and only to the best ability a little dork like me could do... which meant a lot of back and forth on the bottom of the bevel and a lot of time on my butt. But isn't that why it's there? As I've said before, me and my butt are tight, we go way back.

The whole "roller-skating" thing that really took off in the 80's got another massive kick in the butt during the early 90s thanks to "rad" culture and the introduction of blades. Suddenly every kid on my block was either rocking a pair of blades, a skateboard, or a Razor scooter. Heck, video games like Road Rash and the very existence of Tony Hawk just became part of the lingo. Blades made their way into just about a thousand no-budget direct to VHS tapes advertising as "awesome jumps" and "XTREME tricks!" that were actually showcasing little more than the non-wipeout reel. They also made it into terrible kids' movies like "The Skateboard Kid" and... "The Skateboard Kid 2." After all, "When there's magic in your [fart], you can soar!" Yeah... all I can say about the 90s VHS craze, at least as far as skating videos and movies were concerned, is there are things more painful than wiping out on your blades.

The world would be a better place if people skated everywhere, I think. I mean, skater chicks have got to be the hottest kind of chick. Save for a bike, these were the quickest way to get around as a kid. After all, a car only has four wheels... these guys have a rockin' eight! Cool blades were definitely on my Christmas wishlist at some point, and I got to admit, I'm struggling to remember why I ever gave up my first real set of wheels.

....unless I want to count these babies.


< Here's a cool design I found on Zazzle, get it on a t-shirt!