Hurricane Felix

It was the summer of 1995, and my dad had me hooked on the Weather Channel. We were tracking the progress of the hurricane due to make a run up the east coast at category 4 strength, and for at least a week or two, it was the topic of conversation between me and my dad. Where is it going to go? Will is swing north? Will it fly out the sea? Will it slam into North Carolina and miss us completely? What the heck is that low pressure system doing? For more on this developing storm system, I take you to my 9-year-old self Weather Channel correspondent...

Back then, watching the Weather Channel was like watching a Sega Genesis game. The bright blue Local on the 8's screen was populated by bold white letters, little blazing suns, and puffy rainclouds stuck to fat lightning bolts, and invariably delivered in the key of cool... and by that I mean laid back, Pure Moods-y, sax-driven adult contempo. Ah... so smooth. Nothing was cooler than watching those big green snot blobs pass over the landscapes of gray puzzle pieces so long as Kenny G was the one heralding their journey. The wind could be ripping the roof off your house, and it'd all be okay so long as it was set to elevator muzak.

The strange nostalgia I have for the weather channel in the 90s is hard to describe, but maybe it has something to do with just how cozy and safe they made you feel watching it while all hell was breaking loose outside! Auntie Em it's a twister!! Shut the windows! Shut the shades! Deadlock the doors! Good... now sit down in your EZ chair, make some hot tea, wrap up in a blanket, and enjoy the feel good mall music cut with a nice sunset fade, orange to dark blue across the screen, and friendly little emoticons of rain drops and gray clouds. Ahh... doesn't seem so bad now, right? Until afterwards of course, when they show the footage of someone's roof getting taken off! 

Anyways, I remember Felix better than Hurricane Bob because I'd grown a few more braincells during those years. Rain was no longer just "cloud pee" and thunder was no longer just "cloud farts" (I know, that revelation hit me pretty hard). And it's funny because Hurricane Bob actually hit us, but all I remember about it is how I "held the furniture down" so nothing would break should the house go up like the Wizard of Oz. Men got to protect the house, after all! By the time of Felix, I was less interested in thwarting disaster, and more interested in watching it! The stock Hurricane Andrew footage that is... of roofs getting thrown off, waves crashing through windows, palm trees bent sideways...etc. And to think, we had one coming our way!  Fire up the camcorders!

I prayed night and day for a "Hurricane Mark." It would be the best hurricane, with mini tornadoes inside of it that would be throwing boats through the air and probably underwater dinosaurs or something, and yeah, the thunder would actually be clouds farting. In any case, there would be massive destruction, whole cities leveled, time portals opening up releasing even more dinosaurs, black holes swallowing people up, and alien spaceships would've been the masterminds behind it all! Oh the humanity! But yea, like nearly all of my 9yo fantasies, it never came true. 

As it turned out, Felix just hovered around North Carolina and did a couple loops before spinning out towards the North Atlantic. Bummer. It didn't flash, it fizzled, which is probably why we didn't stay tuned for Hurricane Luis. What a let down. Not even one roof was torn off! But in any case, you couldn't beat the Weather Channel when it came to inspiring yet another strange excuse for some good ol' father/son bonding (as if there are any normal excuses for it!), because when the storm hits, the men got to be prepared... with the camcorders! The destruction won't tape itself!