Paranormal Alien Junkies

By the time third grade rolled around, my friend Nick and I were a couple of paranormal junkies. I suppose "junkies" is the right term, as it's fitting of what that stuff really is, but don't tell that to me back then. Those were the days when we didn't have the History Channel to give us our UFO fix. We had to rely on the infrequent sightings on the Discovery Channel (back then it was the "smart people" channel). I was hooked on all those weekend paranormal Lifetime Channel Unsolved Mysteries marathons. "Television for women" my ass. More like "television for 9-year-old boys who love freaky alien paranormal shit".

Nick was convinced they were holding aliens in Area 51 and doing autopsies, and I agreed, adding, "who do you think works there?" He suggested that people don't work there like a normal job, they are born, raised, work, and die there and never see the outside world. Yes, for us, Independence Day was a documentary. Was it not a documentary or something? Wasn't that really area 51? I don't know. That's an 'unsolved mystery' our old Lifetime channel friend Robert Stack took to his grave.

This is all heavily ironic, for nothing terrified me more as a kid (and even now as I think about it), than being abducted by aliens... that and ghosts... and girls. I knew there was no monster under the bed, but aliens? I wasn't so sure. You could say this fear was also ironic because if you talked to my brother, he would've told you nothing would've pleased him more than seeing me get "taken." He would have held the door for them. Indeed, it might have explained a few things. The feeling was mutual. It didn't help that a new "aliens destroy humanity" movie came out every year in the 90's, and of course, my parents kept renting them... even the horribly terrifying Mars Attacks, which haunted my dreams for weeks. Those eyes, those brains, those ray guns turning people into skeletons, the totally wasted all-star cast, the mere presence of Danny Devito! It was a horrible movie (and that's coming from a guy who likes Tim Burton).

Robert Stack probably was an alien, but I had my doubts about some kids at school. Humans? Or aliens wearing human skin? How could you tell? Well, if they tell you they're a pack of aliens living out behind the school eating "shiny paper foods" (the place was littered with potato chip bags)... it makes sense to play it safe and take their word for it. Your brain could be next.

Or as Home Improvement once put it, parodying the X-Files:

"The truth is out there..." -- Tim Taylor
"No Tayler, you're the one who's out there." --Jill Taylor


  1. Dude. Aliens exist. Remember the whole 4 corners sighting thing? The Phoenix lights? I was in Kingman Arizona at the corner of Arizona and I totally witnessed a huge set of lights in the sky. They were pretty close to land and they stayed above our house. A few others and my family and uncles' family sat on chairs and just watched. We called the police and they all said a thousand others were seeing the same thing. It was so weird and creepy. i think this happened in 1995 or 96!

    1. That's pretty cool. I never saw any strange lights that I couldn't explain... came close once, but it was just a helicopter circling around a fire in town.

      My dad once said he saw one when he was a teen. It was a red light that stopped in the sky and then kept going. He went home to tell what he'd seen, and his stepmom was there listening to a live radio news report about people calling in having seen this strange red light flying around. And you know, whatever your dad says has to be true. hehe