Kid Vid vs. The Egg McMuffin

Kid Vid was the ultimate gatekeeper. You want in on the Burger King Kids Club? Well, if you're over 4 feet tall, fuck you! (Or so the sign said at the BK play place). Thank you Kid Vid for keeping all the non-little-person pedos out of the playplace! (I tried to make a molestation joke about the older gentleman's "play place" I stumbled upon once in a BK bathroom, but... nah). Kid Vid was what every 90s kid wanted to be... needlessly accessorized! Future goggles from Star Trek, antennas, ray guns, fingerless gloves, shoulder strap and mounted tech thingy, watch, walkman?, sneakers, and only ONE knee pad... RADICAL! Burger King was Blast Processing your fast food experience! (And that ain't no diarrhea joke!) Forget McDonalds and the stupid big-hipped clown! Kid Vid is totally EX-CELENNNNT! Plus, he had his own cult, and you could be in it!

This has fueled my suspicion that BK has always been better than McDs. Since we can't really judge based on the quality of the food they sell on their respective kids menus (because seriously), McDs mascots were a bunch of magical pudgy PUSSIES compared to the awesomeness that was Kid Vid and his lazers! There, I said it, and I am not ashamed. Clearly Ronald McDonald was and still is evil beyond comprehension, but a worthy adversary nonetheless for Kid Vid and his heroic Kids Club in what should've been the ultimate fast food showdown! Unfortunately, Kid Vid and other relics of 90s radicalness bit the dust while the evil Empire of the Clown still reigns taco-supreme. Maybe someday things will become rad again and a true hero will rise from the flame-broiled ashes, but for now all we can do is dream, and resist! Seriously, while BK was making you a king or queen and signing you up for world domination in the lazer-crazed hotshot futureworld Kids Cult, the best McD's could do was make you sit on uncomfortable Hambuger-shaped plastic stools and get you raped by Grimace in the ball pit (that's what happens when Kid Vid ain't there to gatekeep). Well... okay... McD McPlayplaces were usually better than BK's, so maybe it might've been worth it.

My story isn't as much fun as that, but just as traumatic, because it has to do with the food. Let's just say, I did my part in the war effort against the Clown and embodied the spirit of Kid Vid in all his glory, but it has left me battle scarred to this day. Case in point, to this day I still can't eat eggs, and it's all thanks to McDonalds and their dreaded Egg McMuffin. They activate my gag reflex. Sure, I could probably eat an egg white, but I can not eat that gritty yellow stuff they tell you is the baby chick. It's not that I'm a persnickety vegetarian or anything, it's because the taste, the texture, the smell... it calls up the wet McMuck within.  Besides, I do like the sausage part of the McMuffin (probably because it had as much Styrofoam as the container and was as plastic as the Happy Meal toys), but something about that egg just made me wanna hurl. I could never understand how people could eat that which smells like a fart. Yuck! And yet, I was still forced to eat them (eggs, that is).

I was also condiment-intolerant. If you were buying the eight-year-old me a hamburger, you'd be wise to just repeat the following into the drive through talkbox: "two all beef patties... hold the sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, oinions, ketchup, mustard... leave the sesame seed bun." Spare yourself the headache and make it simple, otherwise, "no thanks, you can have it." And if it was hotcakes for breakfast, no syrup please. It was "too sweet." But my dad wouldn't hear any of this. Real men eat everything! So he'd buy me one of those Egg McMuffins every weekend when he had us, and every weekend I had to come up with ever more increasingly convoluted ways of removing the egg part without him knowing. Somehow, at some point, I had to pick off the egg and toss it with the wrappings when he wasn't looking. This usually involved me sticking the egg part in my pockets or hiding it somewhere in the backseat to fester and stink and be found at a later date hardened and crusty. Yuck! My mom was a bit more subtle and let us be picky, knowing that we'd come around eventually. Sorry mom, still can't stand eggs!

So screw McDonalds and your McDonaldland despotism. At BK, you can always "have it your way." The King was always a benevolent monarch. Long live the king! It's how Kid Vid would've wanted it. Seriously, the PTSD of being forced to eat Egg McMuffins against my consent is just... too much to bear. You never recover from the trauma. The spirit of Kid Vid once again reigns victorious in each and every one of us when we boldly say enough is enough and resist the Clown and all other food tyrants at all cost!

But then again, they did come with a tiny Hotwheels car, so... kinda worth it.