Girls are Smarter

You try being cool in that room!

Girls are not always obviously smarter than boys... just most of the time. The rest of the time they are still smarter than us, but it just isn't as obvious. I can say this because, firstly, I have extensive experience with being a boy, and secondly, I was a "smart" one at that, and thirdly, I liked girls. And trust me, all the good being "smart" ever did me (when it came to girls) was alert me to the fact that they are definitely smarter than us... or at least, that we are dumber than them... and that the sooner we all just accept it, the better off everyone will be, amiright fellas?

Don't get me wrong, brain power has nothing to do with it. We could be genius level but still forget our own names when in the presence of a girl we like. We can get all A's but still put our shirts on inside out. It's one thing or the other. Regardless, girls always have a way of deflating a boy's head, no matter what could allegedly be in there. Besides, if you asked the 8yo me, he'd agree.  So let me speak from personal experience and the hope I'll get on the smarter half's good side by telling them what they want to hear... (hey ladies!).

See, my elementary school triad (all boys) was absolutely convinced that the girls were plotting to get us (and who do you think gave us that inkling?), so we'd huddle around our lunch table dispensing plans to counteract their sneak attacks. Theys be up to sumptin! Being boys, we foolishly believed that if we put our heads together, we could outsmart them (I know, our first mistake). So we'd sidle up on their conversations. We'd torment them on the playground with our inane questions to confuse them. We'd act dumb just to annoy them. We'd even bug their lunch table if we had to! But one thing was certain, we'd stick together. We couldn't let even the nice ones lead us astray and thinking they were nice because that was their trickery at work for sure. After a few weeks flaunting our paranoia, we'd successfully given them all the more reason to contend, indeed, that "boys... are... stupid..." which was exactly what we wanted them to think. Duh!

It was a living, breathing, He-Man Woman-Haters club, I kid you not, and with all the same problems the Little Rascals had. Firstly, I knew a few very nice girls who didn't seem to be such a threat, and it made me second guess the whole scheme. Secondly, the plans would always backfire anyways. I know, right? How could that happen? Well, here's how it started. When it came time to form groups, I was always the one boy who ended up with a girl group (I was a dork and rarely got picked by my fellow kind), so I know firsthand what that group dynamic is like. When it was an all-boy group with the one girl, and the project was to paint a picture of a certain weather pattern, her "bright and sunny day" was no match for our impending hurricane. The boys called the shots and the girl just had to sit and soak. She'd insist: "But...but... I wanted the bright and sunny day!" To which my friend would rebut: "Oh don't soak about it!" Girls 0, Boys 1.

Little did we know that that little event would spark a little war, an event so insignificant that we'd long forgotten about it, but enough evidence to prove... once and for all that... girls can't help but make us look like dumbasses. Soon the tables were turned, and now I was the only boy in an all-girl project group, and the girls realized their chance to get even. The project was to go out and find all the kinds of life you could drag out of the woods, and I knew I'd be lucky if they even let me hold the bag. That's just the way it goes. Suck it up, get over it, play fetch, and be the one called on to do the digging and touch anything slimy or covered in dirt. Whatever you do, don't say anything. You're on thin ice just being the smelly boy. And that's usually fine with me because I'm generally okay with being pussy-whipped, but then they just gave me a marker and blank paper and told me to draw. They weren't even going to cut me in on the cool part and take me along out in the woods with them, but just make me sit back and draw whatever they got to find. Ouch. That was just cruel. The emasculation made my genitals implode into my body.

Normally you'd think this would've been any boy's paradise. Sit back, put your feet up, and let girls do the work for you, because you're literally the third wheel in this assignment, and just hope that they do a good job on it because your grades are now in their competent female hands. But no. I had to work too because despite having no say and no role in the project, they threatened to go tell the teacher that I was not "doing my part" just because I decided to scribble random lines all over the page when they told me to draw their leaves and sticks. I remember I scribbled a big bunch of lines and they got so mad they ran over to the teacher to tell on me, so I quickly turned those scribbled lines into something that looked like a "tree" ... like "here you go teech, no, I wasn't scribbling, I was drawing a tree." My genitals popped back out after that.

So you see, them girls were out to get us after all, no question about it. And what was a boy to do in that situation? Obviously, sit there like a bump on a log and answer a "whatever" to any show of niceness or peace offering. I told on them to the teacher, said they were treating me like I didn't have any part in their project, but what did I possibly have to show for it? Sure, they'd been a little funny by making me the useless appendage to their little team, but everything else I'd done on my own... the rudeness, the obnoxiousness, the wasting time, the furious scribbling all over my project sheet ...etc. The teacher asked them to apologize and they did.

Then what? I was asked to stop whining and participate. It seemed the only one really out to get me was me... (which is exactly what they wanted me to think, of course!), so I went from being the "stupid boy" of the group to being the best artist in the group, and drew a few scenes from the woods to compliment our project, and the girls even started treating me a bit better. All I know is, the moment I decided to do my part, let the girls lead, and play along, we all started to get along. And what can I say? I'm a guy. Our brains take time to compute the obvious.

Sometimes I wonder if the other boys ever smartened up too.