The One that Got Away

I have always liked chicks... No... I have always practically worshipped chicks. They could literally tell me to do anything... they could tell me to jump off a cliff... and I'd be a dutiful little male ant drone just following orders. I know because I've somehow found myself doing everything from stealing pens to pealing gum off the bottom a sneaker for girls, and all with a simple, "hey Mark, could'ya...?" Boys are way dumber than girls, and it's sad, but there's no use crying about the laws of nature, since it can't be helped. Somehow though, all that brainless, male automaton groveling around pretty girls has not yielded more than two "girlfriends" in the bag for me my entire life... but then again, that could also be because I am... technically... engaged, and have been for nearly 20 years. See, there was this girl....

She was awesome. She was cool. She was... using me to carry stuff... but who cares! A girl paid attention to ME! ("I am not worthy... I am not worthy...") And that actually used to mean something coming from me because girls always mystified me, spellbound me, hypnotized me, beat me up, got me in trouble super easy, or robbed me blind. And I was OKAY with it! (Still counts fellas.) I need help... (wait a minute, no! Don't change me! I only feel "right" when I grovel. I likes me this way!!) Anywho, so you can see that for me to say this one girl was "awesome".... well, she must've done something special for me. (And no, I don't mean kick me in the playplace...)

I usually ended up thinking my pathetic groveling at their feet was their fault somehow. Surely girls were better in concept than in reality. On paper, girls were always like some alien species of advanced, exotic, ultra-intelligent, flawless beings of pure will and grace requiring my devotion. They were unstoppable forces of nature. Heck, just watching one do a cartwheel used to splatter my brains! To me, they were more on par with adults while we boys were like, wild chimpanzees or something, just flinging poop at each other. But while that's usually true about us, in execution, girls were really just a more sophisticated cabal of flingers... and actually, when you realize that, it makes it easier for them to... actually like you back. ... As I came to find out.

So with all that build up for this species of radiant splendor and strength and intelligence, and all that jazz, just imagine my additional puzzlement when, after spending time with one for a while, she revealed herself to be just another goofy weirdo like me? Smarter, of course (once again, the laws of nature), prettier, 1000% (guys are gremlin demons compared to girls), but the important thing was she was just as human. We spent a lot of time together playing husband and wife at day care. We slept together at nap time (in the same room at least). We did all that kissy stuff, and got in trouble for it. Heck, we even spent many a romantic afternoon together: lunchtime at the plastic table with our square pizza, summer days poking at anthills at the big old tree, rearranging their dirt "towns," maybe followed by a movie. You know, the normal girlfriend/boyfriend stuff.

She was six ... but don't get the wrong idea! I was around five or six too, and our playtime courtship developed over many months at my daycare into the all-out genuine relationship that it was. We watched the clouds and picked out the shapes, "Ooh, a butterfly!"  "Ooh, a dolphin!"  She lied through her teeth and I believed her... about how on her trip to Disneyland she'd been turned into a frog by a magician, about how she'd reached outside the airplane and tasted one of those clouds (yes, she confirmed they did taste like cotton candy!). We played house in the plastic house, she'd get all mad when I wasn't home at a decent hour. I'd tell her how I got all backed up at the plastic pool office and had decided to go blow a few minutes at the sandbox... you know, the typical husband/wife stuff.

It was all so wonderful, we promised to get married someday. We'd even keep a piece of bark off the tree as a memorial that we were engaged (don't ask). But it was not to be. Shortly before she was taken out of that daycare, we officially broke up. To this day I don't remember how it happened, whether it was something I said or did, all I know is that whatever it was, it was somehow my fault... (that's girls for you). She wouldn't accept my apologies for nothing, and even mocked my desperate pleas. It was pointless to try, we both knew it. Even if she wasn't going away, we could never go back to the way it was. But my heart was broken that summer, for maybe two of three hours.

So Kim, just to let you know, if you're not taken yet, I'm still available. (wink)

(Oh yeah, if you're reading this, sorry about the Halloween party and how I got my plastic fishing pole hook caught in your Little Mermaid outfit... that was... only somewhat funny, and I learned my lesson).