Sonic the Hedgehog

I had no clue what a hedgehog was, and I didn't care. It could've just as well been Sonic the Asskicker for all I knew, and it wouldn't have changed a thing. He was an ultra-rad blue animal who could cook the screen meaner than any stale Mario platform crawler ever could (up until then). A few speed dash attacks and a few go-boxes, and you could have Sonic flipping loops, bouncing over enemies, flying over pits, and easily outrunning the screen itself! You see, we boys like games requiring a few basic commands and using them a lot, which is why when it comes right down to "run," "shoot," "run some more," and "shoot some more," (Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition) such games usually register pretty well with our primitive psyches. And Sonic was a prime example... just remember to jump now and then, and you've won.

Of course it wasn't that easy! I'm joking, but that's what you think when you think of Sonic (at least, when you're not thinking about the sheer amount of porn the franchise inspired, ahem!). The Sega marketing team really had us convinced this guy was the "fastest thing aliiiiive!" And speaking of the granddaddy of all Furry dreams, almost as good as getting to play Sonic was getting to play Tails on the one player mode of Sonic 2. What's better than playing a character just like Sonic who has infinite lives and whose only purpose is to make things miserable for the titular character and whoever's playing him? The "one player" (secret two-player) mode on Sonic 2 was a stroke of genius designed to help little brothers forced to play Tails screw over big brothers who were hogging the hog. (It wasn't me!)

All I'm saying is that my brother and I spent about a combined year of our lives playing each successive Sonic incarnation for the Genesis... Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic 2, Sonic 3, and Sonic and Knuckles (which allowed you to go back into the other Sonic games and play as Knuckles). After S&K, don't even get me started, because suddenly the Sonic Team decided it was okay to let us meet ALL of Sonic's fellow woodland creatures, spiraling out of control the moment they had him smooching a human! (Furries rejoice!) But in the beginning they had a winning formula in the mutant idiot fox who could fly, the speedy blue guy in the Mickey Mouse gloves, and the fat robotics maniac with waaaay too much time on his hands, and that's all my brother and I needed. When they added Knuckles, we were more excited about the prospect of a hogo-a-hogo blue and red death match than extended character back story, and boy did S&K deliver!


But I'm getting sidetracked once again by my relentless dork fandom. Back in the land of reality, Sonic (and espcially the two-player mode) was the pretext to many acts of violence and property destruction between my brother and I whenever one brother was just too damn good at the game, and for me to say which brother that was would be an insult to my existence as the older brother... (it wasn't me). The Sega actually had to be moved to a neutral location (the downstairs den, which was my dad's office) to keep the destruction to a minimum. But all in all, we still got through each game a hundred times over, and Sonic and Knuckles in under a week's time.

I kid thee not that the one thing I remember about the day my sister was born was being carted over to my grandmother's house at 3am (I was about seven at the time), and getting to watch the now infamous Sonic cartoon that morning. Even with all the hubbub that day, all was right because Sonic was on TV. I'm no furry, but I love Sonic.


  1. Sonic <3!!! I will always love Sonic! I get made fun of for being 22 and still loving him. I carry a Sonic backpack to work and I have a Sonic Lanyard to carry my keys and a Sonic air freshener for my car and a Sonic wallet to stash my cards! =P I love Sonic more than Mario, believe it or not. But I played them both equally as a kid. I just think Sonic was more kick butt than mario. Blame my love of Sonic and Mario on my parents. They're the ones who put an NES controller in my hand at the age of 2! =P

    1. Mario was just this short plump guy who had an amazing vertical leap but just kind of waddled around. Sonic was, as "Things 90s Kids Realize" blog said: "the fastest-paced activity of our childhood." hehe